Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

You've massively embarrassed your dd by treating her in front of her friend as if she was six... You really need to step back and let your dd have her own space

I suspect the dd will be fine with no more sleepovers if she thinks it will be a repeat!!

I feel for you, OP. I have a ten year old and it’s a bloody minefield, knowing the right thing to do. On one hand they think they are grown up and know everything. On the other hand, mine is currently downstairs playing dolls with her sister (her friends must never find out).

Whether she’d have gone for this level of involvement depends on the friend she has over. Some would have been fine and all over it. The “cooler” ones, she’d have been hissing at me to leave them alone.

You can’t do right for doing wrong, honestly.

At age 10 I jsut leave them to their own devices on a sleepover. I suggest things they can do when they come to a loss, as in, why don't you two to in the garden or get the chess set out. I check any internet, gaming or films they put on are not highly unsuitable. And feed them and provide snacks. Also tell them to be quiet when it's getting late.

I would have felt the same at their age and wanted more trust and independence from my parents to entertain myself and my friend. I would have asked my daughter if there was anything they might want to do that I could help with but otherwise be around but leave them to their own devices. Pizza/popcorn/movie and hanging out in bedrooms playing computer games or chatting was what we used to do! Rarely would I be expected to spend time with my/their parents at all tbh!

I don't think they were especially rude. They were dealing with an overbearing mother who wouldn't bugger off and leave them in peace!

They are far too young for sleepovers at TEN?

What age is appropriate then - 21?!

By about 8, I found mine suddenly matured and play dates changed. Did you want them to drink hot chocolate with you?

Oh my gosh this made me cringe, OP sorry 😂. That kind of thing should be a choice. Talk about forced fun.

Hmm from that age, i would organise activities for them but then pretty much left them to it and just made sure they had enough food and snacks.

Sorry OP but it sounds like you are trying to live vicariously through your daughter and are also unable or unwilling to read the room.

For the sake of your daughters friendships, I’m afraid you are going to really adjust your attitude.

The child was unquestionably rude, but she was also right. You were being overbearing, and treating them inappropriately for their age.

Things to consider:

Is there any way in which your DD and the visiting child could have politely addressed your inappropriate behaviour without offending you or upsetting you?

It’s interesting that your upset is focused on perceived lack of gratitude for your efforts rather than upset at the fact the not only did the sleepover not go well but your daughter may suffer some embarrassment at school for it.

Think of it this way, as your kids get older your job when hosting their friends is to provide the canvas (location, food, lifts, funding etc) for the event and then get out the way so that they can paint on it in peace.

Why not just ask them what they wanted to do?
Problem solved!

You put in a lot of thought and effort however I think at this age they just want to be left alone (which I appreciate is shit when you’ve gone to great lengths to make sure they have a good time).

My eldest is 8 and when I invite her friends over I will buy colouring, activity books, couple of things for them to do & I order them a McDonald’s and I leave them to it. I don’t get involved in any of it (mainly because I’ve invited a friend over so that they will leave me alone).

It was rude of both of them, but I can see why they wanted to be alone without being followed around and made to do things together.

I would tell your DD that she was really rude but that next time you will leave them to it and let them entertain themselves.

Agreed. No ruder than an adult equivalent of taking part in forced fun for work do or a painful hen party. A few grumbles and eye rolls.

Ten? My DD is ten. At sleepovers our (parents) role is to supply lots of snacks, check in occasionally that everyone is ok, provide dinner. Tell them to keep the noise down at a reasonable (ish) hour. Make breakfast in the morning.

otherwise DD and her friends amuse themselves. This is mainly talking and messing around in DD's bedroom with the door shut / listening to music / the odd dance or gymnastics routine / face masks / playing Roblox or Toca Boca on their iPads / watching movies of their choice (obviously nothing inappropriate) / sometimes they might play uno or make bracelets. But definitely not engineered by an adult.

your sleepover sounds very regimented and like an adult was facilitating all the activities.

Rude but I agree you should have been less involved

I think you were coming from a good place but have acted like they were 6 (I was surprised you said dc was 10) or tried to be 3rd girl at sleepover.
So pumpkin carving, board games - if you dc wanted to do it set them up and leave to it.
I’d expect dd and friend to pick film (pg)
Hot choc and pancakes sound lovely and my dc and friends would have liked that and said thank you. I’d have asked if wanted that and left stuff out but let them put them together themselves eg squirting cream on.
I always did a sort of there in background but not cramp style approach.

Your DD’s friend was very rude. Terrible behaviour from a guest.

But they also probably wanted to hang out just the two of them, and you over-organised, I’m afraid. But your DD and her friend were downright rude and ungrateful, as well as graceless, so I’d have a word with your daughter, if I were you.

At that age, I wouldn't announce this is what we're going to do. I'd speak to my ds in private and say I have this, this and this if you want to do it, then let him lead/decide if/when they wanted to do it. I wouldn't have liked the whispering but what could the friend have done other than to either go along with it and whine to your dd later or pulled your dd aside each time you suggested something and said something to her then. It's tough to adapt sometimes but I can see why you'd put the effort in, I used to love doing it too.

To be fair we had a friend whos mum and aunty used to come raving with us. They would organise a mini bus to take us there and back. They were actually cooler than us though as they knew the promoters and DJs and got us all tickets. But unless you are actually, genuinly that cool, then it's definitely not cool to join in with your kids cool activities😂

Sounds like you planned and controlled the schedule for this sleepover and didn’t ask them what they wanted to do?

Way to over invested. At that age you should be letting them get on with it and just be in the background keeping an eye on things.

Film (age appropriate), drinks, snacks and their own space.

Jeezo leave them alone. Best thing about sleepovers is that I don't get pestered for a night unless they come down for sweets.