Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

You really tried your best but it backfired because their idea of a sleepover differed from yours. In future just accommodate by getting them a take out or cooking a nice meal but give them breathing space and let them hang out alone. They’re definitely young enough to appreciate some of those activities but probably didn’t want you breathing over them constantly.

Oh OP, I feel for you - you’re going through the transition where your DC’s friends become more important than you are to them, and they start to see you as potentially ‘uncool’; they’re just worried about their friends judging them and so they may push back against your good intentions a bit harder than is necessary. It’s completely natural. I’m more concerned that you say you haven’t got friends now?
I’d talk it through with your DD so she appreciates that you meant well and agree that next time you’ll let her run things her way. TBH it sounds like you had the evening geared around things you would enjoy. I’d let them do exactly what they want another time, and certainly don’t expect to be involved beyond getting some food in and maybe having a lights out curfew.

I love board games and very rarely get to play them and this seemed like a great opportunity to get the kids doing something sociable rather than hiding away in a bedroom.

She is being sociable, she's got a friend round and is socialising with her 😂

Agree with pretty much every other poster. You were massively overbearing and unreasonable. Not sure why you don't just watch The Twits or play board games when it's just you and your daughter if you love them so much?! Why wait until she has a friend round?!

When we have DSDs friends round for sleepovers we barely see them apart from them coming down for tea and snacks and then taking them home the next day!

Some don't have pavements and there's no one around so more vulnerable

OP, kindly, you are way out of touch. I’m cringing at the thought of you putting your shoes on to go on the walk with them, what were you thinking?

Your daughter needed time alone to just chill and have fun with her friend. Although your intentions came from a kind place, you should have read their cue’s and backed off.

Don’t be upset with your daughter, instead tell her next time you’ll get treats and leave them to it.

It’s tough seeing them grow up and not need us anymore, but your husband is right. Use the time your daughter has with her friend, to be doing something with your husband and enjoy the freedom.

When I see these kinds of things on here, I wonder if there are some really dangerous areas in the uk and I'm just naive to it. Or is it the helicopter generation of parenting. I don't know.
At 10, my dc's were out all day in our local area with friends. Only come home to be fed. They'd have been mortified if I put my shoes on to go with them.

You're not unreasonable but yes, you're out of touch
Think back to you at her age
Did you want your mum to arrange things for you to do, and accompany you on a walk?

🚁🚁🚁🚁🚁🚁🚁🚁

Before they went went I would have checked with friend’s parent to see if is was allowed. Children do tend to exaggerate as to what they are allowed to do and I wouldn’t of liked to be held responsible if the girl was not allow out unsupervised, each family is different.

Single track roads with 60mph speed limits....farm traffic......hmm I wonder!

Ten year old girls will generally want to be alone …but l’d love to stay and carve pumpkins , play board games and eat pancakes ! 🤣 Don’t take it personally ..pre-teens and teens are designed to abandon us !

You need to trust your gut. Think about what you could have done better (lower expectations of how it is going to play out and how much involvement you will have) and what you don't find acceptable from your daughter and her guest. I would probably laugh off the guests rudeness a bit but she wouldn't be invited back in a hurry 😅 I'd sit daughter down after guest has gone home and explain what was rude about the behaviour. You don't want your daughter behaving like that in someone else's house (or her own). You arranged very age appropriate and fun activities. I have a 10 year old daughter, I would find about 10% of this attitude expected but to this extent is really unpleasant.
If the guest has a smart phone, follows influencers, uses tiktok and Instagram, falls out with her friends in group chats in WhatsApp, and watches stuff made for teens and adults, then she would find what you arranged boring. Which is sad.

Surely the "rudeness" was because Op wouldn't let them do anything by themselves?

I don’t agree at all, I think the OP was unfair on her daughter, her gut is this occasion would be woefully inaccurate.

I agree and would argue the op was much much ruder, to make her daughters play date about her “she knew I wanted to watch that movie, I love board games and don’t often get to play” . Like it was all about her, her needs, and her play date.

the first thought there is why on earth is that relevant to these two girls. This was not your play date op, they are not your friends, it is your daughter and her friend.

Your DD's friend isn't having a sleepover to spend time with you.

Just let them self guide their time.

If they aren't mature enough to self direct their activities, don't let them have a sleepover.

I used to hate it when parents were constantly hanging over us at that age and wanted them to piss off asap. It goes without saying that mealtimes etc we would probably join them but that would be it. I wouldn’t have dreamt of being this rude about it though.

Ah OP i feel for you. Dc (10) had 2 friends over at the weekend. (10 and 11) . I felt it was a real shift how these things go. They all (inc sibling, 8) disappeared upstairs. Played, generally a bit rowdy and excited. Played roblox for a bit. Played hide and seek (unexpected) ate pizza on the floor, Played all together on the switch. I pretty much left them to it . They all said they had fun. I think they'd have gone for hot chocolate, maybe pumpkins. But they were happy doing their own thing.

Pumpkin carving? That's interesting from age 3 upwards but by age 10 come on!

Why haven't you adjusted in those 7 years? They've matured yet you are stuck in the past!

The Twits? Again you picked a dud film and from the sound of it, you sat there and watched it with them? The last film my 9 year old DD watched at home was Avatar. Amazing epic, visually stunning movie. She has a brain that requires stimulation.

Is your DD an only child? Didn't you have anything else to do?

Don't underestimate children! You'll need to keep up.

Now that you've shared the age, you were definitely being unreasonable, out of touch and probably a little creepy.

You need to seriously reconsider your approach if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your soon to be teenager.

Oh gosh no, how mortifying for your DD! 😂I can see you had the very best intentions but next time, give them the remote and some sweets and leave them alone. They didn't want a sleepover with you, or to spend the whole night being directed by an adult, they wanted girl time. This is equivalent to a 7 year old trying to accompany a group of Mums out for dinner and then attempt to monopolise the conversation.

You're within your rights to say no to really inappropriate films (which films were they?) but two 10 year olds don't want you to helicopter all night.

The Op says that she doesn't have & has never had friends.

I wonder if this is the first time her daughter has had a friend to visit at all?

Otherwise I can't understand why Op thought that she would be doing anything with them.

next time Op you just leave them to it , and you do something nice for yourself

Yes I think the biggest red flag are mums who instantly judge and dismiss their children's interests as "inappropriate" or "nonsense". It's all about what they think is good or not and not about the child's own sense of autonomy and identity.

Children/pre teens will always yearn for something that is more adult and forbidden. I'm certain that 10 year old girls weren't asking for slasher gore movies. And considering it's actually Halloween, something slightly scary would be potentially ok. One of my best childhood memories was watching Scream at a Halloween party with friends which was hilariously inappropriate and we all screamed like lunatics every time the Ghostface guy appeared. We were probably 12-13, no idea where the parents were but we were delighted that they didn't care. I was certainly not scarred for life by it, if anything, I remember the absolute joy at being able to scream at a scary film with my friends.

Country lanes, esp narrow ones, are WAY more dangerous for pedestrians, esp smaller ones, in terms of traffic/idiot drivers than towns. You also often can't get a phone signal if something goes awry (and yes, I know we didn't have any of this back in the day, I and my friends would all have been out and about in groups from the age of 8-ish & just return home for tea, but it's not ridiculous to suggest there are dangers).

I suppose, when I think about it, I would be leaving them to it to some degree
My daughter had a sleepover for her 10th and I arranged for amazing sleep tents and pretty much left them to it. However, tomorrow we have a guest and we will all be crafting and pumpkin carving together.
i have re-read the OP though, and I can see it was too much. I definitely wouldn't expect them to want to play a board game....