Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

I kind of agree.

Op was was, on balance, probably a little too "exuberant" about activity schedules, but if they are old enough to go for a walk alone (and here I'd insert that I'd actually be annoyed if I found my 10 year old dd and friend had been left to go wandering about the streets alone on a playdate - though not so much your fault in this instance op) then they are old enough to grasp that op meant well, was making an effort and that it was rude to handle it as they did - even if it wasn't what they wanted. Sometimes as a guest things aren't quite the way you'd choose, and 10 is not too young to learn to handle that appropriately.

I suspect Op's dd is used to more integrated family activities than this other child, so she probably would have been happy enough with the offerings had the friend not shown her disdain - which then put op's DD in an awkward position.

Going forward op, I think you can, and should really, give them a bit more space (and a movie for a slightly older age), but it was better to err on the side of over-involvement than just not bothering to supervise - which is the fault of plenty of parents.

Objecting to eating with the family as a guest is just lack of proper upbringing.

Your activities, your game, a movie you wanted to see.

Haven't RTET but did op REALLY want to see the Twits?!

I'm imagining how I would have felt, aged 10, if my friend's Mum inserted herself into our time together like this.

I woukd have found it very strange, intrusive and I would not have wanted to go back.

😳

They were rude. Ok the board game was a bit OTT as was wanting to watch the movie with them. But pumpkin carving is a brilliant sleepover activity, and even now at the age of 15 pancakes in the morning is pretty much a requirement following a sleepover for my DD.

Yes, great plan. Slag off a nine year old to her friend, that will be lovely.

Then simply a new friend and ‘let’ them chat. Great advice. 👍

I imagine they might have been more open to pancakes in the morning etc if they had been left to it a bit for the actual sleepover.

That’s why you are treating them like they are 5, try to step back or you may find your child ends up with no one wanting to play with them , for fear that you’ll be involved.
hard to let go but at 10 you need to dial it back.

I had a friend I used to go to stay with and the pancakes in the morning were the highlight of staying over at her house. And no we didn't kick the mum out of the kitchen - and we were about 13 or 14.

I often make pancakes for breakfast if our dc have a friend over and never once has it occurred to me to tell the rest of the family to bugger off because the guest wants to eat in moody isolation. You stay with us, you normally eat with us. And if they didn't - because of timetabling etc - I'd probably even apologise eg "I'm afraid you two will need to eat now, because I have to drop you before x or y." etc.

My grandson is 10. He'd be mortified if I hovered over him and his friend in the house. If the friend is used to bring allowed some independence at home, then it's likely she found you overpowering. She wasn't particularly tactful, but at 10, would you expect that? I don't think she meant to be rude, more likely she was frustrated with the way the sleepover turned out.

“is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”.

“do we have to do everything with your mum?”

Perhaps if they had been allowed to do anything together then breakfast with Op would have seemed ok.

Eating together is different to eating together, carving pumpkins together, playing board games together, watching a film together and going on a walk together. I imagine if meal times was the only time they were expected to hang out with Mum then it would have been an entirely different outcome.

Yes, I can see that.

But it must have been obvious op was trying to be nice.

It might not feel nice to 10 year olds when a parent is almost trying to act like another child on a sleepover with watching the film she wants to watch and playing board games because it's an activity she was looking forward to.

Yeah I think you could have offered a few things and left them too if. However friend was rude.

I have a nearly 10 year old and they would love all of the activities you suggested. BUT when they have a friend around I give them space, I offer to do activities but I follow their lead and don’t impose myself on them. I give them space. It’s really hard though.

10 is a funny age particularly for girls these days. I have to say all the little girls I know would have been really happy with what you did, but I know there are a lot more street-wise and grown up children than mine and our circle of friends. I have all boys and they don’t seem to grow up as quickly as girls - one of mine turned 12 recently and had 4 friends over for a sleepover. They played football outside and on the trampoline, rode bikes up and down our farm track, and then I took them swimming (it’s a private pool but I sat on the side as one of the boys wasn’t a confident swimmer).

Back home I made them homemade burgers and chips (one boy complained we should have got macdonalds, but the others agreed homemade is nicer), then they tried to play a board game but got a bit silly, and went out to the tent supposedly to go to bed, but actually stayed up til 2am chatting! The next morning I made them pancakes which they mostly loved (apart from Mr MacDonalds who is a fussy eater). I don’t tend to get involved with their activities now, but would have done a bit more when they were 10, so I think what you did is fine.

I do feel for you as you tried very hard to entertain the girls. Your dd friend was being rude as they both should show some appreciation for your efforts, saying that they did clearly signal that perhaps they didn't need all that faff.
An example here, I had three 9 year old boys here on Saturday. The only times I saw them coming downstairs was for dinner, haribos and smarties. I have no clue what they were doing but I could hear a lot of banging and laughing so clearly they had a great time and meanwhile, I binged watched victoria Beckham on Netflix...
Sometimes, I do think it's upsetting that they don't need us as much anymore...but on the other hand...so much time gained!

TBH though, that banging could have been anything.

I don't think we should get so we feel it's too uncool to be in charge - though I accept there is a happy medium which OP probably crossed by some way.

I do think op's guest sounds like a brat.

True, the boys could potentially do something silly, though I have known them for a few years and have a lot of trust in them and in my son.
It's interesting how everyone has a different view/measures of control. I'm slightly obsessive about the kids food, so will control how much fruit/veg they eat...on the other hand have never put any parental restrictions on their tablets...trust they use it sensibly..

But yeah, the friend ...could act in less of a spoiled brat way

I think it sounds like you made lots of effort OP and yes, the way your dd and the friend acted is rude. I wouldn’t have dared spoken to someone’s parent at someone’s else’s house like that - at any age.
but I do think the context is right.
at 10, you’re in year 6 (I think?) and you’re walking to your local school on your own/going out with your friends on your own (within reason.)
I remember at 10 I felt soooo old/mature. Social media/phones have definitely made children act much older now.
I think next time (if there is a next time) leave them to it. The most I would do is offer to get a takeaway for them.
however I do think it was rude the way they acted so maybe it’s a good idea to have a convo with your daughter and a punishment ie no sleepovers for a while. Two things can be true at once - the children were rude but your activities were a little OTT and babyish. It’s not the end of the world though and just a learning curve

See I think it’s way ruder to interject yourself into their social event and make it about what she wants, I’m stunned you have went so far as to say she should be punished,that’s outrageous. These girls wouldn’t have behaved like this, if the op had not tried to force them to constantly hang out with her, he her mate and do exactly what she wished on their sleep over.

Well she’s the parent and they’re 10, not 18 so OP can dictate in her own home, if she wishes.
if you read OPs other posts/comments, she said her daughter originally agreed with the pumpkin carving and pancakes before the friend got there so feels like the daughter changed her mind after the friend didn’t think it was “cool.”
punished is maybe a bit of a strong word but im just saying, you should never be rude to your parents. Daughter could’ve taken mother aside and said “we don’t want to do this.”
OP wrote to MN to ask if she was OTT and everyone has agreed that was she and the kids should’ve been left to themselves. But I still think it sounds like the children were a bit rude.
if OP decides she’s not being OTT and wants to do this at every sleepover her daughter has at her house; she can? She’s the parent. I’m not saying I think she should do this but children should never be rude to parents. I do think the friend was more rude though. Just my opinion

I agree with the take that the DD was happy with the suggestions.

I don't think op was doing this for herself - I mean come on! She was trying to give her DD a fabulous sleepover and the guest was bratty which unseated things and made DD "go rogue," which then left op wondering what she was doing wrong.

I don't think so much effort and thought is necessary for a sleepover; the children take it and run with it themselves. But I also definitely don't think op was somehow desperate to capture two people a fraction of her age and force them to watch the Twits with her.

The sad truth is the DD was probably excited and looking forward to everything op had planned (and discussed) with her and the bratty guest just rained on everything with her bratty attitude.

Your poor DD. How mortifying.

It was her sleepover yet you were dictating what they did at every turn. And a decent PG or 12A would have been great if your DD wanted that.

Nail painting would have been a possibility.