Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

I'm not sure I've seen a lot of movie sleepovers where the host mum joins in with the activities. They are pretty much always about the girls having a fun time together while the parents give them space unless needed. You need to be honest with yourself and accept that while you didn't have bad intentions, you did have really selfish ones. You wanted the tv sleepover, not for your daughter but for you. Your activities, your game, a movie you wanted to see.

I get it, I have loved nearly every minute of parenthood and having my son's life wrapped up in mine. But that ends, far sooner than a lot of us are quite ready for. We've also had a very unnatural parenting experience where we were in lockdown with our kids on and off for years. We need to be able to know that if they have a friend over, our job is to just be there on the edges, letting them have freedom to enjoy each other's company while we just make sure they are safe. You needed to pick a few movies for them to choose from, including some scary ones as there is a genre of scary movies made for preteens, and then let them watch the movie alone. Any crafts they do or games they play will be without you. Your role is to cook food or supervise cooking, and then just be on hand to ensure their safety, but in a different room.

The good news is, that you can have those movie nights with your daughter when she doesn't have friends over. DS and I get takeout or make comfort food and watch a movie/tv series most weekends. We're doing 90s scary movies this month. Next month we'll be doing Stranger Things. I know that too is finite, in a year or two, he won't want to stay in with me so often. But even in my late teens, I sometimes had movie nights with my mum, not super often, but they did happen. You just have to let your kids go, and when you do, sometimes, they'll still choose you.

i think you have misunderstood the issue, which is surprising. This wasn’t about the activities, this was about the op wanted to do everything with them.

op, I wonder if you have been relying on your daughter to be your “friend” and do all your social activities with you, so thought her friend was just an extension of that.

I think I would reflect on this as a wake up call. To get your social life sorted, to understand the difference between a mother and a friend. And if you struggle, ask on here or follow your husbands lead.

for a sleepover of girls this age, you provide the snacks, give them privacy, let them lead, don’t sit and watch the movie with them if you can avoid it and have another room you can go to, if you can’t it’s fine to join if they chose a movie, let them decide the activities, let them do them alone, your role is to ensure they are safe, and provided for. They can have dinner with you , breakfast, but that’s it, you don’t make them watch a movie as it’s what you want to watch not them, you don’t make them play a game as it’s what you want to play.

and you don’t guilt trip your daughter “she knew I wanted to watch that, I don’t get the opportunity to play board games” into making it about your needs.

hopefully you’ve reflected, apologised for ruining her sleep over, and made a plan for yourself to find some grown up friends.

The OP accepted that she got it wrong. Why are posters so hell bent on being nasty to her about it even now? You don’t need to keep on at her about it. It really has become very unpleasant, I’m not surprised she’s left the thread.

U leave them to do their own thing. Mum doesn't get involved except provide snacks. U aren't involved in the sleepover at all.

Weird, mean girl energy.

That’s it now, you are deemed uncool 😆 lol but seriously I’d leave the games etc for mummy daughter time.

Leave the kids to it, enjoy the time when she’s got someone else to amuse her! Read a book or clean.

10 year olds go out by themselves?

My daughter is disabled and needed quite a bit of help from me when she was ten. Even with that background, I would never have had this involvement with her and a friend at a sleepover. I’d never have thought I was going on a walk with her and a friend at ten, and that’s even with her having a walking frame and being prone to getting stuck places.

Agree with this. At ten, you were way too involved.

Just to be clear - a 10yr old in Yr6 is about 11months away from starting high school.

On this date at 10yr old my dc was in Yr 5, so 23mths away from starting high school.

Kids brains and maturity seem to be pretty fast at this age, and a lot happens between the start of one academic year and the start of the next.

Not to mention that people live in all sorts of different areas and set ups.

The rest of your post I agree with as a general rule, but shaming folks based on incorrect timelines and with no knowledge of their circumstances is not helpful.

Tell your daughter this. Not the end of the world.

Who on earth is keeping their (typically developing) Y5 child at home and not letting them out?! If your child is in KS2 and you're not allowing them to walk out of the door without an adult, the apron strings need cutting.

There speaks someone who lived in a relatively safe area.

No way in hell i've have let my kids out unsupervised at 10yo where i used to live. We were on a main thoroughfare in town where everyone and his dog walked through to get from A to B, and not all of them were lovely, nice people minding their own business.

Here i wouldn't think twice, loads of green spaces, play areas..etc, but there? Nope. Not a cat in hells chance.

You make a very fair point and yes I am lucky to live in a safe area.

Shes 10 not 20 , kids grow up too fast as it is, cant see that shes done anything wrong . They are appropriate as activities for kids that age.

We live in a safe town. Kids walk to school from age 5 and on a Saturday lots of 10 year olds get the bus into the nearest big town to go to McDonalds or whatever which is about 20 miles away.

The activities are age appropriate (if the children actually enjoy them) but it’s not a new thing that 10 year olds wouldn’t want parents hanging around when they’ve got friends over.

I had sleepovers at friend’s houses in the 80s/90s when in primary and we’d all camp out in our friend’s bedrooms for the evening playing. We’d eat with their family but that would be it- the rest of the time we’d be left to it. It would have been odd for parents to join in with the games etc.

Did you read the OP's follow up? The activities may be age appropriate, but the board game and film choice in particular were forced on the girls. The OP admits that they were things that she wanted to do.

OP I think you're getting a rough ride on here. I've been reading with interest as my DD is having a sleepover this week (she is 8) and I was planning literally the same schedule - truly I think she would love everything you'd planned, but her friend who is coming will almost certainly say it's babyish. It's hard when they're at a transitional age. I do think maybe you misjudged some elements but the friend for sure was rude especially the whispering, I'd have told her so and I wouldn't be in a hurry to have her over again

Don't worry, chalk it up to experience.

They weren't really rude, just disgruntled. Having friends round means they do things together, not with mum - though mum provides food of course. I can't believe you were expecting to go out for a walk with them :-).

You'll laugh about this time - and you'll know better in future.

lol "I start putting my shoes on" Even you had me wanting out lol

It's her friends, I suggest you focus on the snacks and let them do their own thing, I fear next she would only ever want to go elsewhere. my son is 11 and goes to school alone and he would die if i went out on a walk with his mates.

I went to boarding school too OP, how we did things pre 2001 was fun to me, I wish my mum did so much as you tried here but unfortunately times have moved on, kids have access to youtube and see and grow quicker than we did.

When my DC had friends over for sleepovers they did their own thing and DC got in trouble for not stopping bad behaviour or explaining the rules of the house. That was it.

this.
But for a first attempt, it really wasnt that bad. You did your best and as parents, all we can do is try.

It might well have worked with a nicer child. Personally I thought the Friend was lording it a bit over your DD, criticising you and by extension putting your DD in her place by rolling her eyes at every entertainment offered and making you and DD feel a bit stupid. The remark about is this another thing where we have to sit round the table together was damn rude. She could probably sense that you were'nt sure of yourself.

This is not a friendship I would particularly encourage with another sleepover or too much familiarity. I bet she's telling the tale. Chat to your DD and say I was an embarrassing mum, but I was trying my best.. but your friend was very hard to please wasn't she? Joke about it.

Ask a nicer friend next time, but first try things like taking DD and a different friend to their favourite film (they choose) at the cinema.. or other kinds of outings.. shorter entertainments and take a conscious step back, letting them chat and choose popcorn or whatever. It's what gazing at your mobile phone were invented for. Or a trip to a Halloween event. Rather than hosting sleepovers, which are quite long and demanding. Hopefully your DD will get invited to some herself and give you some feed back on what's fashionable and your next one will be a roaring success.

Op I have had some seriously disastrous playdates over 15r years as a parent - for many different reasons so absolutely do not overthink it.

I will say - I think you have to give this other child a chance - she is 10 not an adult and she may well not have meant to be rude, just genuinely trying to get away for some kid friendly time. I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt.

also, if it was a friday - they may have been tired from being told what to do all day at school.

This is so ott and unacceptable, imagining all these nefarious things from this little 10 year old girl. Christ on a bike. The issue here is the op. Not the child wasn’t nice enough to take it without murmer.

edit to add, do not try to kill her friendship, honestly the way some people think children should be treated is nothing short of abusive.