Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Meanwhile, OP's daughter will forever hate The Twits.

If I'm being honest, I've watched Terminator 1, 2 and 3 with my preteen kids. We totally loved it.

Even better for me watching it with my kids than it was watching them first time round.

Intense!

I remember at a sleepover for my 13th birthday, my own mother trying to persuade us to watch Never Been Kissed, which she thought was a lovely story but we'd all seem multiple times, and being quite upset when we chose 10 Things I Hate About You at the video shop. She determined it to be tacky and "rubbish" based on never having heard of it before, although one of the girls did point out it was a modern interpretation of Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew.

She also dismisses as a load of rubbish:

• All kids TV.
• The vast majority of adult TV shows with some exceptions for Blackadder, The Crown and a few others.
• Computer/video games
• Theatre shows featuring TV actors, even if they are highly trained thespians.
• "Woke" casting in theatre, film, TV and adverts.
• Pretty much all pop music, e.g. Taylor Swift is for children, although she has never listened to any songs.
• Americans
• Pop culture in general

This has led to me having huge gaps in my cultural references because my access to TV and music was strictly controlled throughout my childhood and the strong disapproval meant that even if I wasn't being actively stopped from engaging in something normal, I wouldn't.

As an adult I feel dismissed and demeaned by her if I admit to liking anything that isn't classic literature, music or art.

My 16 yo stepdaughter has a lot of interests that I just can't get into- the Marvel Universe in particular - but I at least try to show engagement, buy her Marvel themed gifts, tickets to Comic Con and meet and greets, etc.. Some, like Sabrina Carpenter and Chappell Roan I've even got on board with myself!

DD normally loved hot chocolate and had been looking forward to this, however changed her mind when it actually came to it

Let me guess, you made 3 hot chocolates? Did yours have marshmallows too? Were you wearing a onesie by any chance?

😆

Aw OP, all your plans were really nice!! But you just weren't meant to be a part of it as well🙈

I think your sleepover plan was delightful OP!

Ten is a tricky age. In so many ways they're still so young, but they want to be grown up so badly. You often see a big difference in the way they are with family, where they can relax and just like the things they like, and the way they are with friends where they're trying to be cool and independent. It sounds like the activities you planned are things your daughter would have loved when she was with you only, but didn't hit the right note when she wanted some time with her friend.

Next time it will be easier - just leave them to it a bit more. And don't feel bad because these things are a hard balance to strike and a learning curve for everyone.

Creepy??? Get a grip of yourself, there's no need to be so horrible and insinuating.

An adult trying to hang around with children is creepy.

The DD won't have found it creepy, but the friend may have!

Especially if OP was wearing a bunny onesie with big floppy ears.

After the first incident, you should have left them well alone. You was smothering them.

From a child’s perspective, it is a bit creepy when their parents wants to cling on and sit with you for every activity and won’t let you just play with your mate. I remember a few of my friends having parents like this and it was indeed creepy.

Why have you invented a onesie?

I think it all sounded a bit "try hard" and what you wanted rather than your daughter and her friends.

i recently taught 10 yo girls and this all sounds a bit naff and babyish for that age group.

If there is a next sleepover, ask your daughter what she wants to do rather than forcing your ideas on her.

OP hasn't denied it yet. She considered herself as part of the sleepover, it only fits that she was wearing PJ's or possibly a onesie.

Also, the thought of it is fucking hilarious.

The problem here is you chose the activities you wanted to play a board game . You chose the film, you’d been looking forward to watching the twits.

my son is 10 we have his friend stay over once a month to help his parents out but they love it. We do a this or that option with things! Would you like x or y for tea. Would you like to play a game or watch a film.

you are there to supervise not be involved. Like an extended play date, sometime when my son friends stays they choose to play games and ask us to play on Fridays they played Minecraft and ignored us for 2 hours unless then wanted a drink or snacks

Aw, tbf the activities do sound lovely and thoughtful. I think you just messed up by not making them optional and by also joining in with everything. They probably would have been more enthusiastic about hot chocolate and marshmallows if it was just an available option, rather than being part of some strangely managed and scheduled plan.

Also they should have free choice on the film (within reason obviously). It’s completely irrelevant what you want to watch.

Absolutely no more sleepovers! She’s no idea how lucky she is 😔I’m sorry you were met with that response OP!

I don’t really know what the acceptable norm is with films nowadays, but when I was 10/11 it was mainly 12A certificate films we were interested in. Films I remember enjoying at 10 were Legally Blonde, the first live action Spiderman, 13 going on 30, 50 first dates, Lord of the rings, clueless etc. Not sure how these compare to The Twits as I haven’t seen it yet, but assume it’s aimed at a much younger audience?

I didn't say it was ridiculous. I was just curious. I was brought up in the countryside but we had open fields so it wasn't particularly dangerous from a traffic point of view, but I can see that narrow lanes would be very dangerous. However, I've always thought of towns and cities, where there is more traffic and more (not always nice) people, as more dangerous for children.

OP as PP have said already, it sounds like you tried really hard to give them both a lovely sleepover, and I can think of lots of 10 year old girls who would love to do pumpkin carving and drink hot chocolate & marshmallows. Sounds like your daughter was just worried she'd be perceived as babyish by her friend which is why she rejected it. Shame... maybe worth a conversation with her about it being ok to enjoy those sort of things, and ok to own that. Self worth sort of thing. I think I was that sort of child and wish I'd had the confidence to be true to myself.

We should all be teaching our children to navigate the conditions common on their local roads, whatever they are. It may be “keep to the right, carry a torch, wear bright jackets” or “don’t rely on the green light, double check for idiots jumping the lights” depending on where you live but its our responsibility to be teaching this stuff from an early age. We don’t keep them safe by locking them up, we keep them safe by teaching them how to cope without us.

I find the notion that an ordinary ten year old, months away from secondary school, cannot leave the house unaccompanied to be a massive missed opportunity for the child.

do you regularly play witht hem on a normal playdate?

they need to have some independence you cant insert yourself into her friendships

Agree, sorry op but this is bizzare. Why on earth would you turn a kids sleepover into an opportunity for you to do things you enjoy? Especially when you knew DD wasn't keen on the board game, then put pressure on her because she knew you wanted to watch the film? Perhaps arrange a night just for you and DD to play games/watch a movie, but also maybe time to make some friends of your own.

Maybe no pavements and idiots speeding around country lanes?
Not wanting a 10 year old walking in the road?

Realistically at their age you’d be fine making suggestions but totally leaving it up to them to decide what to do and within reason what to watch.

I’d expect a 10 year old to want to watch a 12 rather than a PG (PG are films ok for 5 years olds), and preferably without a parent present. Some things like pumpkin carving might be fine with just you and your daughter, but be seen as young by DD when with her peers.

It does sound like you’re a bit of a helicopter parent - kids do need space and time without adults…

I feel so sad for you. Your daughter is obviously used to having a really involved Mum who likes to plan activities and movie nights and games etc. The other girl might not be used to so much parental supervision at home so maybe finds it a bit weird (just one of many reason why she may have behaved this way), whispering to your DD about why is Mum so involved, your DD is probably just trying to look cool in front of her friend. Don't take it personally, little girls at that age just want to fit in. You can still do your own thing with DD, your movie nights, games, activities. And ask her if in future, at sleepovers, would she rather you just leave them to it, and monitor from afar. I'm sorry it didn't go the way you had imagined. Especially as you never got to experience these things yourself as a kid. Your daughter will appreciate the efforts you made when she looks back on it. I think you sound lovely, and I would have loved having a Mum like you.