Ultrasound childcare

[Momofboys97]

Mondays my mom usually looks after my eldest son at my house while I'm working from home, they are both retired but we only ask them for help on one day a week.

She told me that they couldn't do one particular Monday because they had decorators come in for the entire week and both my mom and dad need to be there to move furniture around. I thought it was odd but I said that's fine I'll just work around it however I've now been referred for a growth scan for my second child and they have asked me to come on the first day of my parents decorating.

This was the first appointment available I was able to attend and without thinking I booked it, the lady on the phone was extremely rude to me about it being so far in the future but the other times were just unachievable with our other child.

I asked my parents while I knew they had decorators if just my mom could spare a couple of hours on that day to look after my eldest and they said no because they both need to be there to move furniture around for the decorator I said wouldn't your furniture have been moved the day before, still they declined and creating a drama out of the decorators coming, my last message to them was that my husband would have to miss the scan because we have no other childcare and I'll have to go my own and my own mother has completely ignored it.

I'm so upset about the lack of support here, we don't ask a lot of them compared to a lot of people I know, this is obviously an ad-hoc request but it is on a day they would normally have him anyway if it weren't for the decorators.

AIBU?

Because it’s not transactional. They cared for us for 18 years and life is quite complicated at times so people don’t always have the mental capacity to do what they are ‘expected’ to.

I mean so many people have no choice op - my husband never came to a single scan of our second child as we had nobody to mind our bigger girl - the nursery was far from hospital and it just never worked out time wise that he could be there !

i had weekly growth scans towards the end too and I just had to go alone unfortunately.

I had to go in for monitoring in the middle of the night 3 times too and he couldn’t come either.

It’s the case for so many woman is you’ve actually been quite lucky to be able to have him there for all previous scans tbh

Yep. My last pregnancy was a right pain in the arse, I was sick to death of scans right up till near the end. But I had 2 other kids so went by myself. It's life with more kids under your belt.

From the sounds of it, the parentals have a strict routine and they'll be feeling anxious about it changing and having people in the house. Ample notice has been given, there was another date it could have been done but wasn't taken. That says it's not urgent, so I can not think they're out of order.

You can't take shit for granted in life.

This ^
and we are not unsympathetic OP we are just reasonable and realistic.

Why is the suggestion of asking a friend to come with you to the scan and support you not an option?

Your parents are allowed to feel that they need two of them there for the decorator and allowed to stick to a routine if they want to. They've given you plenty notice of their plans.

Honestly OP if you're struggling with this now, it's about to get a whole lot harder with 2 kids. A lot of it is dividing and conquering and you can't expect everyone to drop their plans to accommodate you. The reality is a lot of people have to just suck it up as they don't have grandparents to support with childcare. I don't think my husband came to any of my growth scans as there was times he had to do childcare. I certainly wouldn't have been directing my anger at my parents for not changing their plans.

I sympathise with you as its a pain in the arse, but your parents don't owe you their time. If they prefer to be at home to oversee the decorators thats absolutely their choice & you have no right to judge them for it.

For the future its a good idea to reduce reliance on your parents by getting your child used to babysitters.

Maybe pay for a private scan at a time that fits better if they only had those two choices on the NHS

Because they might not think it appropriate for the decorator to move items of furniture and they might not want to risk hurting themselves by doing it alone…….hence they are working together. Some decorators request furniture to be moved prior to them arriving to do their job.

Why do you need your husband to go with you?
I did all of mine alone, he was at work, it was fine

I think everyone has told you you are being unreasonable to insist your parents look after your child when they have said no and have other things they want to. Accept in and make arrangements as others have suggested.

your husband and child can drive with you/catch the train, you go in for the scan then you all go home together.

make a day of it/lunch/coffee abd cake etc.

I did all my scans in my own so I could head to the office afterwards.

But it's not an emergency! You are being feeble!
I dislike your entitled attitude to your parents a lot. They give you a whole day a week childcare and loads of notice they couldn't do that day. You forgot and now it's an emergency and their fault!
Woman up, for God's sake!

I totally understand why you feel upset OP
I think your request is fair and reasonable

I posted similar years ago.
Except my mum was at home and still didn't help
(Was having scans once a week)
Was told it was my fault for having more children

It really does suck when it dawns on you that your parent/s just don't want to help.

I had no other option but to go alone, all scans and extra monitoring I was completely alone

I grew up in the south Wales valleys. It was completely normal for people to have grandparents and multiple aunts, uncles, cousins etc. within walking distance, and for the children to be in and out of relatives houses constantly.

We didn't have relatives quite that close, but my sister and I spent a lot of time with our grandparents, stayed over with one of our aunts, or had our cousins over ours.

We only have DS, but if in the future I have a DiL and she needed childcare for an extra scan I would absolutely do my best to help out.

Yabu

They told you they weren't available, you then asked them again and they told you again they weren't avaliable. Then you text them trying to emotionally blackmail them into dping childcare.

You have childcare - your husband!

I went to all scans for my second child alone for this reason (husband and elder child waited outside for support). It was absolutely fine!

But as you say, everybody’s different. You didn’t need to be there when you had decorators in but that doesn’t mean your parents don’t feel they both need to be there. Lots of people on this thread have pointed out they were able to attend their growth scans alone, you feel you want your husband there.

Why is it unreasonable for your parents to both want to be home for the decorators, something they informed you of well in advance, because in the same situation you’d find it unnecessary but completely reasonable for you to want two people at the scan despite many people finding it unnecessary in the same situation?

If you want people to accept that everybody’s needs are different then you need to accept your parents needs might differ from your own. For them getting the decorators in is a big deal, even if to you it would be minor, just like to you a growth scans alone is a big deal even though to many people it’s routine and minor. Your needs don’t trump theirs, especially as you had other options for the date you just didn’t want to go with them because they weren’t convenient to your plans!

I think the problem is that you’re upset that your parents are unwilling to compromise, but nor are you - with another planned activity - leaving later etc, not going on your own or asking a friend (you cite close friends hopefully some are local). Unfortunately sometimes you have to cut your coat to suit your cloth, especially with 2 as it’s man to man marking.
That being said I hope you find a solution, perhaps a cancellation might be available?

It does grind my gears that trusts are so awful and almost punitive about siblings and appointments / scans - as for women who are child bearing age - who are pregnant the chances of them having other children and sometimes unavoidable childcare issues is very high - it is highly likely vulnerable women / single parent families could be turned away from accessing timely or safe care because of this policy. Where I trained many moons ago and where I had my babies (NO SIBLINGS) differed. I’m not saying you are that but it is a worry - and my trust are just getting the scope for their big investigation into their maternity services (leeds). (I’m a nurse not a midwife now)

It's unfortunate but for whatever reason to do with their decorating must be important for them. It's difficult with young dc and childcare with work and appointments, especially when tied to one nursery and them not having availability i know!

One solution is for dh to take ds and still both go and he will at least be outside the door? I would probably just go on my own and had to for most appts of this nature, you could record the procedure on audio? Xx

This wouldnt work. The private scan won't plot onto the growth charts that have been produced by the NHS scans and it won't pick up any concerns with growth.

I would speak to the scan department and ask them what they suggest. I work in a scan dept (as a midwife not a sonographer) and we will absolutely help out if there are no options for childcare as it's more important that you attend for the scan. However I do find sonographers aren't as accommodating always and they may say that your DH could look after your child whilst you have the scan. It's worth a go though, especially if you explain your anxieties from your last pregnancy and why you feel.you need you need DH there.

It's disappointing OP, i understand you want DH there but it doesn't sound possible now. Better its a growth scan rather than the 12 or 20 week scan and you sound close to due date which makes it more positive.

I think your original post has probably thrown people by reading a little ungrateful for the help you get on a regular basis. I'd love to have my parents look after my children for a few hours but poor health means they cant, plenty of people in worse positions.

I'd take DH and DS with you and they can wait in the waiting room if I was in your position. Good luck!

Evening, all. The OP has asked us to remove this thread as she's finding a lot of the responses upsetting. Mumsnet is here to support parents and that's what the OP was hoping for here. We'll be removing the thread shortly.

Can you not go with a friend

Upsetting? She just needs to go alone to her scan that's all.