Ultrasound childcare

[Momofboys97]

Mondays my mom usually looks after my eldest son at my house while I'm working from home, they are both retired but we only ask them for help on one day a week.

She told me that they couldn't do one particular Monday because they had decorators come in for the entire week and both my mom and dad need to be there to move furniture around. I thought it was odd but I said that's fine I'll just work around it however I've now been referred for a growth scan for my second child and they have asked me to come on the first day of my parents decorating.

This was the first appointment available I was able to attend and without thinking I booked it, the lady on the phone was extremely rude to me about it being so far in the future but the other times were just unachievable with our other child.

I asked my parents while I knew they had decorators if just my mom could spare a couple of hours on that day to look after my eldest and they said no because they both need to be there to move furniture around for the decorator I said wouldn't your furniture have been moved the day before, still they declined and creating a drama out of the decorators coming, my last message to them was that my husband would have to miss the scan because we have no other childcare and I'll have to go my own and my own mother has completely ignored it.

I'm so upset about the lack of support here, we don't ask a lot of them compared to a lot of people I know, this is obviously an ad-hoc request but it is on a day they would normally have him anyway if it weren't for the decorators.

AIBU?

I honestly think this is just the reality of having more than one child. Some people have shit loads of grandparent help (many get burned out by the time the children are 5 or 6 but still feel forced to do it). Many of us don’t. I have two children and three sets of grandparents who have never cared for my children for more than an hour due to age, being unable or unwilling. We have just had to get on with it. It’s not ideal at times and at some points one parent has had to miss things or do things alone that they would liked to have had support with but it’s just not been possible.

We now have primary aged children and 3 of our parents needing support with medical stuff and the juggle is hard but necessary.

Tbf if I helped out once a week, then have advance notice that I couldn’t do one week, only for the person I help out to the book an appointment on the day I’ve specially said I can’t do, I’d put my foot down and say no too. She’s busy, she’s allowed to have a life. She knows OP has a husband or can find alternatives. I don’t think it’s mental at all

@Momofboys97 I'm not rude I'm realistic l. You can't magic childcare. If you could it would make all patents lives easier but unfortunately you have to run with what you have got.
You won't change your plans so why should you parents?
You can pay for private medical scans of course you can.

I think you are perhaps getting a hard time from some because, some relevant information is missing in your original post.

From this comment ⬆️ I am taking it that you recently went for a private scan and they flagged up a potential issue which meant you were referred to obstetrics for a growth scan. None of that was clear in your original post. It would help to explain to others why you are understandably feeling so anxious.

I hope you can work it out and that everything is OK.

Yes but we just have to accept it, many parents are quite stuck in their ways routine wise and i understand you could do with their help here they've made it clear they can't assist so try and just let it go. The resentment this is causing will really fester otherwise.
If they're generally helpful focus on that.

She told you they couldn't babysit, your husband will just have to stay home not much else you can do

As someone who had limited childcare support get in sitters the babysitting agency. They are all really qualified. With 2nd baby some parenting preferences have to be compromised on.

take the child with you? I get it's not ideal but it sounds like an important medical appointment and it's better to have it with the 3 year old on tow than not having it (I had growth scans with my youngest and had to take my 3 year old with me). I kept them busy with some food (that was before smart phones were a thing).

That would be worse. If the mother won’t look after the child due to moving furniture if he seriously fucked off if she agreed to come to the scan instead

The OP has already said the trust doesn’t allow parents to bring other children (which is a common policy)

Many people prioritise routine as they get very anxious otherwise. Their mental health and management of feeling confused and anxious is valid and must be respected and not minimised.

So mums who have no support cannot access antenatal scans? That is bonkers. I don't understand why it is so hard for some people to imagine that there are some people out there who just cannot access childcare.

But it wasn’t the only appt available, you were offered one that didn’t suit your plans, that was your choice op

One I couldn't attend, it's not unreasonable to have other commitments.

My last scan they moved three times without even consulting me so it's not like it doesn't happen.

But you could have attended it if you changed your plans for your weekend away.
You booked the appt without checking you had childcare available, again that is nobody else’s fault bar yours.

I think you are a bit unfair to your parents - there are two of you so you can easily manage. As someone adviced your DH and your child could wait for you outside so you would be on your own only for a bit. It’s not 100% ideal but not so bad.
You sound quite emotional about this simple situation but seeing it as a big thing actually makes it much bigger than it is so makes it worse for yourself.
I personally think moving furniture in a small bungalow and decorators coming in is actually much more stressful situation.

It seems you are overly focused on whether your parents' reason is worthy in your eyes.

Your parents have some reason why they both want to be available at their house for a full week. It doesn't really matter what the reason is. It is an exception in the routine you confirmed.

Now you are declaring "an emergency" because you've forgotten about the arrangement and had other planson the other days. And you want them to be the only one inconvenienced by that, even when there are other solutions.

Could you ask the nursery to put you on a waiting list for that day? Maybe someone will drop off.

Exactly. Its not unreasonable to have other commitments. Same goes for them.

No it’s not unreasonable to have other commitments is it, so it’s not unreasonable for your parents to have other commitments (that they’ve already told you about in advance).

I’ve had six growth scans across two pregnancies, plus the twelve and twenty week scans. My husband came to two of the ten scans. Unfortunately he’d had to take quite a lot of time off work for three rounds of IVF, a couple of surgeries and a previous missed miscarriage (which was discovered at a scan) so, for the pregnancy scans, I usually went on my own. We did also have a couple of private scans in the evening which he could attend. Obviously it would have been great if he could have attended all scans but, like many people, it wasn’t feasible for us.

Yabvu.

A growth scan was needed and they clearly wanted it done ASAP. That should have been your priority. The break away could have been rearranged or delayed.

I had an emergency growth scan with my first baby and had to go myself. I called oh straight away. Then it was weekly scans for the rest of pregnancy and I went to the majority myself. Not ideal but I absolutley wouldnt have wanted to wait until we were both free.

You seem overly anxious about your son and what will happen when new baby arrives. Maybe have a chat with the mental health team for a bit of support.

At absolute desperate measures- you can take your child to your scan with you

If any staff at your nursery have a day off, you could see if they would offer a babysitting shift at your house. We did this a couple of times...it was quite pricey but worth it as our DD was familiar with the staff and we felt more comfortable.

A lot of you are very unsympathetic to what's clearly a stressful situation to me..there's a way of giving your opinion without being nasty.

The scan was considered not urgent and clearly it isn't as they gave me one two weeks after being referred for one, that doesn't mean I am comfortable to go alone and that husband is ok to miss it

I hope none of you end up in this situation, I've never once said it wasn't my fault for booking it on that day, I panicked and just took the first one I could do as my due date is so close.

DH doesn't need to go. He can stay with your oldest, simple.