To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

204 replies

Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:47

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

OP posts:

FeeFiFoFummy · 22/10/2025 07:25

BaconCheeses · 21/10/2025 12:09

You want to give it for a house deposit for DS so say nothing and tell him if and when the time comes.

You'd be mad to open a conversation if you aren't wanting to he talked round.

All you're doing if you give it now is lining yourself up for years of hand wringing and resentment when he predictably spends it on travel.

Because in future years, when he wants a house, you will then be considering how to raise 20k because youll need to give him his second 10k and another 10k to your dd so she has been treated equally (10k for travel too).

Or you'll be looking at amending your will to give him more if he still hasnt bought a house, and still doesnt have the security you want to gift him. The Will which you will probably ask DD to administer because she seems to be "the respinsible one" and it will lead to sibling resentment.

This, they’re adults now. There is no need to tell him about your help to DD now. Hold the 10k back from your DS and give it later. Don’t talk about it.

I think my parents have helped both my sibling and I out at relevant times. I have always paid it back as it was a loan. But sibling is useless with money so I bet he never has. It’s none of my business and it’s between my parents and sibling.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 22/10/2025 16:22

It is aabsolutely completely fair and reasonable to say to your children, “we’re doing to give you each a lump sum towards a house deposit when you get round to buying a house”. Nothing wrong with that at all. You could put your son’s one in a high interest account and give him the full amount, or suggest he opens a LISA and now and you can pay in (I think) £4K a year and he’ll get an extra £1K from the government, but it has to go towards either a house or his retirement. But there is nothing wrong with stipulating that the help is for buying a house and nothing else.

Marieb19 · 23/10/2025 11:14

It is completely reasonable to say you want to help your children with a house deposit and specify that it is to be used for that alone. Most parents want to see their children secure and settled in their own homes. It's your money and you can specify what it is or is not to be used for. If you die and he inherits it, he can spend it on what he likes. Most children would be very grateful.

RogerR4bbit · 23/10/2025 12:37

Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 12:49

RogerR4bbit Do youu mean that i can open a lisa in his name ?

Yes. He’s allowed to save £20k a year tax free in ISAs, so as long as he hasn’t met that threshold already (& presumably he hasn’t) you can set one up for him.

But obviously he’s an adult, so you’d talk this through with him and explain what you’re doing.

Martin Lewis Money Saving Expert has excellent advice on these types of things.

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