To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

[Ginandbitterlemons]

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

I would just give him the same amount when he's ready to buy a house. There is no way I'd give him 1/5th of my savings to spend on holidays, particularly when he's on a good salary anyway.

I disagree that you can't tell him what to spend it on. You can't tell him to buy a house, but you can certainly only give him £10K when and if he does buy one.

I wouldn’t give either of them £10k if I only had £50k in the bank. If she can afford to buy a house for £450k she doesn’t need your money. I live in the south east and yes it’s expensive but she could buy for less if she needed to. Enjoy your hard earned savings.

My parents did the same for me when I was buying my first home. My sister, who is 2 years younger, didn't get any money at the time - or possibly a token amount (I don't remember).
It was then expected that my parents help her in the future. She is looking to buy a house next year (mine was purchased in 2018) and I wouldn't mind if she got triple the amount from my parents tbh - she's buying in London and I live up north and inflation.
If you're children are mature I'm sure they'll understand, explain to DS you will gift him some money when he's ready to buy a home.

And this too tbh. If I only had 50k then no I wouldn’t be giving for a mortgage. What is that? Like a tenner less a month for them yet a fifth of your life savings. Doesn’t make sense

If you are not going to give him the money now I would invest it to try and mitigate inflation erosion.

Flakey99
I didnt ask if it was silly or not !

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, my parents gave my younger sister a significant sum towards her first house years before I got mine. They did exactly the same for me. You are allowed to give them money for one purpose alone as long as you’re clear about that fact. I got married and my parents gave me some money for that too, my sister hasn’t yet so she hasn’t got the money! I have a son, they give him money - her cats don’t get the same money. You get my drift.

Ponderingwindow

am in my 60s - when he is 48 i may nit be here 😂

Not meaning to sound awful but £10k isn’t really a lot of money. So even for a house it’s just not a lot and won’t be make or break as to whether he can buy a house. Travel isn’t frivolous if that’s what he enjoys doing.’

surely a great time to put it into a help to buy ISA is he's eligible?

Give it to him for his first house, when he buys it, but do it officially, via a solicitor - i.e. if something happens to you before you give it to him, he won't fall out with his sister, i.e. that the 10K would be given to him before everything else is divided up between the two of them.

Just give him the money, he's an adult he should be able to understand this is a one off. Your DD gets to spend hers how she wants, he should be allowed to do what he wants.

@Hons123 Via a solicitor? How much will that cost? Honestly parents controlling adult dc is not possible. Where his deposit coming from? £10,000 is not enough? What’s wrong with this teacher travelling? What if he doesn’t buy a house for 10 years? The money devalues! It should just be given!

Why the "need for caution" ?

Once you've given it away you've given it away and you have no choice on how it is spent or even clawing it back. There is nothing to stop the daughter selling the house in the future and using the money for whatever she wants.

If it is a big proportion of the savings then they shouldn't be giving it in the first place.

I was going to say wait until he’s ready to buy a house, but having seen your ages, I’d give it to him now tbh.

None of us know what’s around the corner health wise and if he doesn’t buy for several years, you’ll be in your 70’s. Plus, as others have said, £10K will be worth less then. Just make it clear that it’s a one-off and you’ve not expecting it to be frittered. If he decides to spend it, he won’t be getting anymore!

Not your question but if DS is 28 and you are 61 I don’t see how you’re ‘older parents’.

As it happens my parents gave money for weddings and then other siblings who weren’t in a relationship wanted their ‘wedding money’ so they got cars. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Speak to both your DC, it’s a lovely thing to be able to help them.

£10k is a lot of money and for many it most certainly is the difference between renting and owning.

I’ve given my son money to help with the deposit-I haven’t given it to my dd but have told her I’ll give her the same when she wants to buy a place. No fuss, no drama, just acceptance. Travelling is great but they find that themselves. Just tell him that is what you want to do.

With only £50,000 in savings, I’d give each £5,000 and not worry what they do with it.

It is to a lot of people. See the average savings in the UK.

@PrissyGalore what savings people have doesn’t relate to house deposits though. Those with low savings might already have a house! That’s why they don’t have savings.

It's really not. This website has a detailed breakdown of average deposits by region
https://www.unbiased.co.uk/discover/mortgages-property/buying-a-home/average-first-time-buyer-deposit

A FTB will need to put down 5-10% of the property price as a deposit. As well as paying the various fees, which will be at least £1000 and can go north of £5000. So 10k isn't going to touch the sides for most purchases in most places....

I know a fair few people who have bought properties under £100,000 with a deposit of less than £10k.

We are older parents - dh 66 me 61

You had your son at 33, is that an old parent?

It’s not a lot in the grand scheme of things especially as it sounds like he’s not actually saving for a property atm. You need a lot of £10ks just to get on the property ladder- my point it is won’t make a diff property wise to him by the sounds of it. He will get more out of being able to spend it how he would choose to.