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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

204 replies

Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:47

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:49

.. reading back the post- its pretty clear talk to him .
I think I just needed to put thoughts into words.

OP posts:
osamu · 21/10/2025 11:52

tell him you’ll put it into a savings account for him and explain your reasons…
he might not take it at first but he will most likely accept it in the future. Give him access to the account when your sure he’ll spend it on something more long term..
YANBU

RubySquid · 21/10/2025 11:54

Maybe he doesn't consider a life of rich experiences and travel to be " frittering" money away. Seems like you only want to give him money if he " complies" to your ideas of life.

It's really very easy. Give them the 10k each and that's it

Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:55

osamu Thankyou
We are older parents - dh 66 me 61 - we did not want to leave it too late in case it was seen as deprivation of assets in case we needed care in future .

OP posts:
Tamfs · 21/10/2025 11:56

I know you've come to your own conclusion, but I adding my tuppence worth anyway. I don't think you should keep it from him that you are giving the money to DD for a house. And I get why you might want to ensure he also uses it for a house.
But I also wonder if he might feel a bit judged about not being as 'sensible' as DD. Does he even ever want to own a house? Maybe travelling is everything he wants and that sense of freedom will always be important to him. Maybe travel isn't frittering to him.

Personally I would give them both at the same time, with no conditions attached to what it is spent on, with a clear indication this is a one off.

Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:56

RubySquid Yes i do agree with you to a huge extent- thats why I am questioning myself !

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 21/10/2025 11:57

Personally If you specifically gave the money to your dd for a deposit then I think you should do the same/similar for your son. Maybe a house move or deposit. Just keep it aside for him you don't have to dish it out now,

ShesTheAlbatross · 21/10/2025 11:57

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to say “we want to help both of you when you buy a house, so when you’re doing that, we have money put aside that you can have”.

I don’t think you’d be wrong to give it to him now. But I also really really see no issue in saying you’ve saved money for a specific purpose and he can have it then.

MagpiePi · 21/10/2025 11:57

He's 28 not 18 and sounds pretty sensible.
You should give him the money and leave him to do what he wants with it.

Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:57

Tamfs Good point! Thank you !
I see this as a place to look at different angles - and that is interesting.

OP posts:
Twoshoesnewshoes · 21/10/2025 11:58

We have said to our DC that we will give them all the same amount of house deposit, when they are in a position to buy. its just for buying a property.

Coffeeishot · 21/10/2025 11:58

Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:55

osamu Thankyou
We are older parents - dh 66 me 61 - we did not want to leave it too late in case it was seen as deprivation of assets in case we needed care in future .

Ah right just give it to him if he is extravagant with it then its on him really,

SabbatWheel · 21/10/2025 12:00

I don’t see the problem in holding onto it until he’s ready to buy a property, it makes the use of it equal with your DD then. You can explain this is what you intend to do. It’s your money, you can do what you like.

DD has inherited money that the donor specifically requested should be used towards property when they died. DD will use it to help pay a big chunk off her mortgage when the current deal is up and is very grateful.

yeesh · 21/10/2025 12:01

Surely you just tell him you have given DD 10k towards a house deposit and you will give him 10k towards his when is ready to buy? I think you are giving away too much though if you only have 50k tbh

Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 12:01

ShesTheAlbatross
a year ago he said that he never aspired to a house as he felt as a single man ( teacher) he could not afford it ever.
And that experience s are more important.
However , now after a significant promotion, a g f , an eye in depty head in future , this may change as it may become attractive as its more in his reach.

OP posts:
Blappengrap · 21/10/2025 12:01

If you want to contribute to house purchases then I would tell him that his 10k is in savings ready for when he wants to buy somewhere. You are not obliged to give him 10k randomly just because you are helping your other child with something specific.

confusedlots · 21/10/2025 12:03

Both myself and my sister were given some money from our parents towards both our weddings and our house deposit. She did both of these things before me and it never occurred to me that I should have got some money from my parents whenever she bought her first house. In fact if I never married I don’t think I would have expected my parents to have given me the same amount of money they contributed to her wedding. But perhaps they would have done at some point.

This is money our parents had ring fenced to help us with big life events, not to use on holidays etc.

FullOfMomsense · 21/10/2025 12:03

I can't fully understand what you've written- but your DD needs the money now for a house, and if your DS chooses to buy a house then give him the same for the deposit? You don't need to hand out 10k just because, because when he needs it for a deposit he'll have spent it.

StrawberrySquash · 21/10/2025 12:05

Blappengrap · 21/10/2025 12:01

If you want to contribute to house purchases then I would tell him that his 10k is in savings ready for when he wants to buy somewhere. You are not obliged to give him 10k randomly just because you are helping your other child with something specific.

But then he can mentally reduce the amount he needs to save and spend it on holidays. He's still young, the 10k could be useful in the future and his priorities will likely change.

Thundertoast · 21/10/2025 12:05

ShesTheAlbatross · 21/10/2025 11:57

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to say “we want to help both of you when you buy a house, so when you’re doing that, we have money put aside that you can have”.

I don’t think you’d be wrong to give it to him now. But I also really really see no issue in saying you’ve saved money for a specific purpose and he can have it then.

Agree with this, this is very normal in my area/experience, to stipulate any money goes on a house deposit specifically.

Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 12:05

yeesh
I know its a significant part of our savings - but we wanted to do it .
We have 2.4 k in pension s ( taken 5 years early) per month, and no mortgage - whilst we have to save for things- am v happy to help d c in this climate .
our first house was 17k - dd s is £ 450 k - in the south 2 up 2 down with gallley kitchen …

OP posts:
Owly11 · 21/10/2025 12:08

It's up to you. If you want to give £10k each as a house deposit then do that, and explain to DS now that he will get £10k when he buys a house. If you want to give £10k to each now to do as they please then do that. Your ds sounds very responsible with money so not sure why you are worrying about that. If you want him to have a choice then ask him what he prefers. There is no right or wrong here.

Igmum · 21/10/2025 12:09

My DM gave both my DSis and I money towards a house deposit. I’m the eldest and bought a few years before DSis so I got the money first. She got the same amount when she bought her first house. No drama.

BaconCheeses · 21/10/2025 12:09

You want to give it for a house deposit for DS so say nothing and tell him if and when the time comes.

You'd be mad to open a conversation if you aren't wanting to he talked round.

All you're doing if you give it now is lining yourself up for years of hand wringing and resentment when he predictably spends it on travel.

Because in future years, when he wants a house, you will then be considering how to raise 20k because youll need to give him his second 10k and another 10k to your dd so she has been treated equally (10k for travel too).

Or you'll be looking at amending your will to give him more if he still hasnt bought a house, and still doesnt have the security you want to gift him. The Will which you will probably ask DD to administer because she seems to be "the respinsible one" and it will lead to sibling resentment.

Greyhound98 · 21/10/2025 12:11

If you give your son 10k in a few years time it won’t be worth as much as 10k today.
Id give it to him with no strings attached and let him know that’s his lot till you pop your clogs.
You could suggest he sticks it in a high interest account with the intention of using it towards a house deposit in the future but that would be up to him.