To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

[Ginandbitterlemons]

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

1. The LISA idea sounds great (although he may have to be the one who opens it?)
2. The two of you sound as if you would benefit from the Rebel Finance School (free! I am not trying to sell you anything) Worth a Google?

It's absolutely fine to say that you're giving them both contributions towards house deposits, as opposed to 10k generally. It's not treating them differently.

Either give them both £10k at the same time or don’t give either of them money. If you don’t have much in savings then don’t give the money. Your adult children can work hard for the deposit.

Life time ISA is a good shout and even if he never buys a house it can be used as a pension. The LISA will have to be in his name and he’ll only be able to invest £4k/year but it’s free money (25%) from the government plus any interest it accrues.
Re your own money I’d suggest having a look at Martin Lewis for ideas about how to manage your money which will be earning a v low rate of interest (taxable) at best in a current account. It’d be worth looking at ISAs - you can both put £20k/ financial year and avoid any tax on any interest/increase in value depending on your appetite for risk re cash or share ISA products.

Maybe it hasn't occurred to you that this is the OP's hard earned money to do with as she wishes. Her children have no automatic entitlement to it, either legal or moral. It's entirely her perogative if she prefers to help them get on the housing ladder and quite frankly it's hardly a fucking stupid idea is it.

I think you have to give the same to your son as your dd.

Unless your son is younger in which case you could feasibly say that he'll receive the £10k when he's 28.

Ask him to open a LISA and you put the monthly maximum in there?

It’s pretty sad that you consider his passionate interest in the world to equal “frittering it away.” He sounds more alive and appreciative of life than someone who shares takeaway coffee to save a couple quid.

i suggest you give no money to either of them. You can’t afford it and you’ll just resent it. It’s not fair to them.

what age are you and your husband?

Just tell him he’ll get his £10k towards a house deposit once he’s buying a house 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't say that say that travelling is frittering unless you mean it's going to Ibiza to go clubbing.

What I'm trying to say is that your children are very different people so why shouldn't he use the money for that. If you want him to use the money specifically for home buying that should be part of the conversation with him.

There is plenty of information about investing online. Vanguard is an affordable and reputable company to invest through, and has lots of educational info on its site.

All the years you have been saving at the bank, your money could have been growing.

If you/he put it into an S&S ISA or LISA invested in global fund now in could be growing so might be worth doing that with it for when you want him to have it.

I would casually mention in convo you have helped your daughter out with a deposit for a mortgage and you intend to do the same for your son when/ if he buys a house. If he doesn’t buy one, tell him his will be left to him in your will. He will get an extra £10k compared to your DD

Yeah i agree with you. I think there's nothing wrong with the OP telling both her DC - 'we will give you 10K each as a deposit for a house'. It sounds like her DS is doing well for himself and can easily fund his own lifestyle atm anyway. Just make sure the DS definitely gets this money in the future (ie if someone dies or a divorce happens - you never know what the future holds). If they'd put the money into a lifetime ISA instead it could ONLY be spent on buying their 1st property. So this is no different in my book. If we buy our DS17 a car soon we would also give our DD21 the same amount but make it clear it's to put towards her 1st car. If I thought she'd spend it on travelling instead then I'd keep the money in my bank account or savings until she needed it to buy a car. I'm not made of money and I'm definitely not funding a champagne lifestyle for my DC. 🤣🤷‍♀️

I think it would be unfair to only gift the money to DD when she is ready to buy a house but give the same to DS when he will just spend it on fun things. Feels unfair that DD is sharing a coffee with her BF because she can’t afford her own just to see DB go on even more luxurious travels.

I think it’s fair enough to say they can both have 10k for house deposits when they both are ready. If DS truly decides after a few more years that he will never, ever buy a home then you can gift him 10k towards his wedding or sure; a holiday. But I think you know yourself the likelihood will be that your DS will want to buy eventually and will be grateful of the help.

As someone who was your son in this scenario and was told I would be given the money when I was ready to buy a house and that was what, what the money was put aside for. It really didn’t bother me and it was nice to know and I sincerely appreciated that it was there.

Equally if you want to give it now to make sure he gets it then and he spends it on travel. Then he’s had some amazing life experiences that you were able to give him.

What I think matters is that you mean to treat them equally and that, that is what is made clear.

Discuss it! If he had it to invest in an ISA and doesnt buy for a few years he will have more money. £10k in 10 years won't be so helpful if you hang on to it. And what about your daughter and bf splitting up. Half your £10k will go to her ex so will you look at a top up to help her get back on the housing ladder?

My parents kindly gifted me money when my husband and I bought our first house, and they have given the same to my sister, although she probably won't be buying for another year or two (and in a much more expensive area too). I believe she used some of it to buy furniture in her current rental. IMO that's totally fine. Your son might buy many years down the line or not at all, and from a fairness point of view shouldn't receive less. I think you should give him the money now and trust that he will do whatever is best with it, even if that's spending it in a different way, with the understanding that when it's gone it's gone.

Dd needed it for mortgage and deposit
Why do you need to give it to your son now ? Why not wait until he’s in a similar situation

Tell him you are giving the money to help his sister with a house purchase and as soon as he decides he wants to buy a property you will do the same for him. Then put the money aside in a savings account so it is earning some a bit of interest.

This. You have funded dd for a very specific reason and I would stick with that reason for ds. If, in the event he does not want to purchase a house, then pass it on a few years down the line. Or buy him a car if that is his choice. You can gift £3k a year… maybe open an account in his name but you hold details for until you want him to have it, transferring £2.4k a year for 4 years, or a little more to take into account inflation.

I really, really think it's important to treat them exactly the same. I've bent over backwards to do that from birthday gifts to uni living expenses.
I have two DC of 29 and 27. They were both taught about money and investment from a young age.
We gave them each a lump sum off £50k 7 years ago. We placed no restrictions on it but it was made clear the intention was for a house deposit. DC1 bought a house at 24, DC2 invested it and is just buying now, six years later.

This is a big percentage of your life savings so I absolutely understand the need for caution. I think you would be justified in placing some strings on the money you give to both DC.
Your DD that it's towards a house and your DS that it must be invested and not spent on lifestyle.
If your son is HOD and 28 then he will be a 40% tax payer. It would certainly make sense for him to open a SIPP. It's a way of getting tax back to fund a pension.
He could also open a LISA which is another way of getting money back from the government to top up investment.

Just to add the reason for paying both at the same time is in case anything happens to you.

My parents gave my younger brother money for a house deposit when he was ready to buy. They told me as much and they said they would give the same amount to me when I was ready. When I was then they did. I was very grateful.

Just keep the explanation as simple as that. You don’t need to justify it with how he spends his money. Just say you’ve set aside money for a house deposit for each child and he can have his when he’s ready.

He's 28 now and in a new relationship. Give it a couple of years and see how that develops: if it works out he'll have turned 30 and may be thinking of settling with a partner and buying a house because his prospects, future plans and outlook on buying will have changed.

He doesn't have to know about your daughter's help but you definitely should let him know that if he ever does wants to buy a place in the future, you will help him with a deposit of at around £10k. You can tell him that now so he is aware and can factor it into his thinking.

In the meantime, put aside the money in a tax free ISA account - a fixed rate one of a year or two may pay a higher rate - see the comparison tables and best buys at Money saving expert.

Hi OP,

Speculation aside, I'd come back to your original conclusion: talk to both your kids.

I am in my late 30s and my parents have helped me and my sibling with first house purchases, and my cousin also benefited from an inheritance that we all received equally. However, transparency is key.

Our parents told us about the inheritance as soon as probate was settled. The money paid for extracurricular things while we were young, then helped with house deposits later. I recently found out that our cousin did not receive the same level of transparency from their parents, and the disclosure has caused them upset. They feel that they were kept in the dark about the decision or not trusted in the same way as my sibling and I.

In the same vein, my parents lent my sibling some money to help with a recent purchase. This was done entirely openly; they said that there would be a deed of trust/loan agreement to keep things clear. My sibling has repaid them, but during that conversation I learned that there was no paperwork at all. I can't really verbalise why this upset me, but I felt like one thing had been agreed then everyone went and did something else "behind my back".

So, talk to both of your kids and explain that you're doing the same thing for each of them. It is possible that 10k in 5 years will help less than 10k now, and your son is an adult, so maybe ask him if he wants your ot hang onto it for him or if he'd like to stash it somewhere safe/high earning.