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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

204 replies

Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:47

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

OP posts:
PearTreeBoat · 21/10/2025 12:14

Although you say he may change his mind about buying a house since he’s had a promotion and now has a girlfriend he may also decide to move abroad if he loves travel and adventure as much as you say.

There are many countries that will employ a UK qualified teacher and often on decent tax free or low tax salaries.

Also, and I know this isn’t a nice thing to think about, but what would happen if something happened to you and your husband before you deemed your son sensible enough to deserve the money? Daughter would have had her share but son’s would form part of your estate.

End of the day it is your money and therefore your decision if/when to give it. At what point do you decide that son may never want to buy a property and gift him the money anyway?

shiningstar2 · 21/10/2025 12:14

You are very generous to have given/plan to give such a high percentage of your savings to help your grown up children. As you say, this type of amount for you can only be given once and I don't see why such a large gift can't have some strings attached. You gave your daughter this amount for a life changing house buying decision and it is not unreasonable to want to do something similar for your son. You are at liberty to be generous in ways you see fit and he is still liberty to accept or reject your generous offer.
At age 28 I can understand his desire to travel and have fun but if you don't want to you don't have to fund this. He may orsy not desire to change his priorities in a few years and if he is a spender on travel may not have money for a house purchase or maybe a wedding or starting a family. I would explain to him what you have done for your DD and that you are prepared, in due course, to do something similar for him. I would put the money in a joint account with him to show genuine intention and that there is no hurry. I would put a time limit on for holding onto the money
Maybe 5 years? If his life style is still the same then, he can use it for travel ext. He is travelling a lot now so doesn't need the money for his way of life at the moment. He might be glad of it as a deposit later and if not, it will be a welcome addition to plans in his chosen way of life.
You, like me, have a relatively small savings pot for your old age which has probably been hard worked for and , as you intend to give both of your children equal amounts of money I think it's ok to hang fire for now on a way they ensures he will definitely get the same st some point 💐

cherish123 · 21/10/2025 12:14

Put it into account for ds for when he's ready.

If dd is buying with her bf, make sure they put down equal amounts as a deposit and the mortgage reflects the fact they are not related (tenants in common). It will protect her assets.

MagpiePi · 21/10/2025 12:17

Id give him the money now so that he can put it in savings so that if the worst does happen and you/your DH die within the next 7 years it won’t be liable for inheritance tax.

FWIW I will be giving my 2 adult children a hefty chunk of money when I sell my house and downsize. I wouldn’t dream of telling them what they can and can’t do with it..

cherish123 · 21/10/2025 12:17

Also - at the moment, your ds sounds as though he's more secure financially than dd.

GasPanic · 21/10/2025 12:21

If he's on a head of year salary and is single surely he has enough money to travel anyway.

You are of course treating your children unequally. They may aspire to different things in life. One may aspire to a house, the other to rent and spend the money on other things. Choosing to treat them differently is of course judging them and their lifestyle, and only providing funding to the one who does things you approve of.

If you are happy with that then fine. If not, I would give him the money, but make it clear to him that if he needs money for a house there will be no more. Then he can make his own choice whether to save it or spend it and live with the consequences, which is what being an adult is all about.

Nesbi · 21/10/2025 12:21

As someone else has said, the value of that £10k is already decreasing as a result of inflation. If he is ready to buy a house in 10 years would you give him the same £10k, which would be worth far less to him than it is to your daughter, or would you give him a larger amount to reflect the impact of inflation? And if you did give him more, be prepared to explain why to your daughter (who may just focus on the larger figure and feel hard done by).

I think personally I would give him the money now to avoid those questions, but make it clear that this is a one off gift that you hope will help him with a deposit (and perhaps suggest that if he think carefully about where to put it until he needs it).

TheSwarm · 21/10/2025 12:23

A gift with strings attached is not a gift, especially when we are talking about adults rather than say 18 year olds with little life experience.

If you have 10k to give to each of your children, to say they can only spend it on something you approve of is not cool and it's certainly not equal.

Property ownership is not something that everyone aspires to, and for some travelling is just as worthwhile or valuable an experience compared to just knocking a bit of money off a mortgage.

user1492757084 · 21/10/2025 12:25

Don't allow DS to fritter your hard earned savings on travel.

State simply that, when he is ready to buy a property, you have set aside 10000 savings for him to add to his deposit.
Ask him to seek financial advice from his bank.

Saying that, alone, might encourage him to see purchasing a house in his future.

Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 12:25

cherish123

re dd putting down same deposit as bf - i dont think there is any way she can ..? B f is on almost 100k and she around 30k

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 21/10/2025 12:26

Greyhound98 · 21/10/2025 12:11

If you give your son 10k in a few years time it won’t be worth as much as 10k today.
Id give it to him with no strings attached and let him know that’s his lot till you pop your clogs.
You could suggest he sticks it in a high interest account with the intention of using it towards a house deposit in the future but that would be up to him.

I was just going to post the same thing as the poster above @Ginandbitterlemons. Plus, the Tax implications you mentioned in your pp will still be there, until it goes into his own account

Drivingmsdaisy · 21/10/2025 12:26

My siblings and I all received a lump sum towards a house. We are not all the same age and we didn’t hit milestones at the same time. My brother and sister received their lump sum at a similar time, I was about 6 years later. I wasn’t resentful, I knew that when I was in a position to buy I would receive the money and that it was a gift towards a house - it was never a gift for the sake of giving us money or being “fair”.

I think if DS knows that the money is there for him and that it’s to go towards a house, he can have the freedom of deciding when the time is right for him.

Cougarintown · 21/10/2025 12:26

Options:

  1. Give £10k now to both and they can spend it on what they want

  2. Give £10k to dd now and keep £10k for DS for when he buys a house

Both mine and DHs parents did option 2. We were the first of our siblings to receive the money but we had a chat with our other siblings at the time and they understood.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 21/10/2025 12:27

Does he see himself buying a house in the future, now he is a little older and in a good job etc? I'd chat to him about that first before chatting about the 10K.

It might give you a better idea of his future plans.

rosyvalentine · 21/10/2025 12:28

Twoshoesnewshoes · 21/10/2025 11:58

We have said to our DC that we will give them all the same amount of house deposit, when they are in a position to buy. its just for buying a property.

This is what I plan to do. And what my parents did for my siblings and I.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 21/10/2025 12:28

I'm sure I'll be in a minority, but I dont like this feeling that gifts of money come with value judgements. You might view travelling as "frittering" but its important to your son.

Me and my brother were lucky to receive some financial gifts from our parents at points. Whenever one was given £X, so was the other. Some people will just have different life events, which might not include the typical marriage/house purchase. Does that mean they are too frivolous and so shouldn't get a gift?

elliejjtiny · 21/10/2025 12:29

My PIL lent BIL money for his house deposit and car. Lent us money for a car. We paid them back, BIL didn't. They have something written into their wills that BIL owes them money so dh gets more inheritance.

RubySquid · 21/10/2025 12:30

user1492757084 · 21/10/2025 12:25

Don't allow DS to fritter your hard earned savings on travel.

State simply that, when he is ready to buy a property, you have set aside 10000 savings for him to add to his deposit.
Ask him to seek financial advice from his bank.

Saying that, alone, might encourage him to see purchasing a house in his future.

And if he doesn't want to ? Honestly the obsession with house buying on here is untrue

pontipinemum · 21/10/2025 12:30

No I wouldn't give it to him.

Maybe do let him know you are helping out DD but that he will be helped in future.

My SIL was helped out by my ILs to buy her first house. Due to different circumstances we have not. DH does not know what they gave SIL and it's not his business.

Zempy · 21/10/2025 12:30

I was in this exact situation. I gave DS “his” £10k to support himself through his Masters. DD is three years older and knows the same amount is set aside for her.

However, she knows it will only be given for specific reasons. Some of you might disagree with these but it’s my money so my rules 😄.

Deposit for property
Masters
Supporting extended maternity leave
Supporting extended travel (not a holiday, more like a year in Paris kind of thing)

I absolutely would not gift it towards a wedding (total waste of money) or decorating or a dozen other random things people might come up with.

She is really happy with that, and I suspect she will be asking for it in the next year as she’s set to buy a place with her DP.

Whatsthatsheila · 21/10/2025 12:30

sorry @Ginandbitterlemons

I voted YABU cos you are making a mountain out of a molehill

tell your son that you have given your daughter 10k towards her deposit, and that you have ringfenced the same amount for him for the same reason

in the meantime- (presuming UK) stick it in a premium bins and try and get some cheques from Ernie whilst it’s stewing

keep some form of record or documentation of this so that if it comes up in the future where you need care fees and you transfer this money to your son they can’t accuse you of asset deprivation

really quite simple and no need to overthink it

Smartiepants79 · 21/10/2025 12:31

I think it’s totally fine to say this money is there for you when you want to buy a property. That’s what it was given to your DD for.
I don’t know if it’s possible but you might try and do something with your wills so that he receives that little bit extra when you are gone.
You can revisit the idea in a few years if he still doesn’t look like he wants to buy property.

Fluffyhoglets · 21/10/2025 12:31

I'd give it him now making clear you are giving them both 10k now. Which dd is using for a deposit. Say its up to DS what he uses it for but you wont be able to seperately fund a deposit in future so if he thinks he may one day want to purchse he needs to bear that in mind. You are best to give it now to avoud deprivation of assets issues.

ParmaVioletTea · 21/10/2025 12:32

It's pretty simple: he'll get a similar amount towards his house purchase when he wants to take that step.

Anu child would understand that.

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 21/10/2025 12:32

He's 28. Give him the money on the condition he gets good advice over how to manage it - either introduce him to your financial advisor if you have one, or make it a condition that he needs to book a financial advice session with his bank. Then give him the money and he can invest it as he wants to, and decide whether to use it as spark money for savings on a deposit or something else. But I think he needs to have accessed proper, independent advice, so that he's aware of his options and how to maximise the gift.

Once you've given it to him, then let it go. Trust that if you've done a good job raising him (and it sounds like you have!) he'll use the money well on things that matter to him, regardless of whether those would be the choices you would make....