To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

[Ginandbitterlemons]

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

RogerR4bbit Do youu mean that i can open a lisa in his name ?

Tell him the money will be there when he wants to buy a house. If you give it now and he spends it on travel, will he then still expect there to be money towards a deposit later down the line? I would guess so.

The problem is, £10,000 is not likely to be the whole deposit. So is he saving for a house deposit or not? He’s got a fairly decent job but one teachers salary won’t go far in the SE. Sadly £10,000 is a help but where is the rest of the deposit?

I don’t think you can really afford to find them anything with only £50,000 in savings. Hopefully you have good pensions plus lump sums on the horizon from them?

In general though, you are judging his life and not agreeing with it. What if he doesn’t want to buy a house yet? He could wait for 10 years! What then? I think you need to talk to him because you are treating him like a teenager who won’t comply with your views otherwise.

It sounds like you are offering money for a house deposit. Your dd is currently buying a house. Your ds is not currently buying a house. Just let him know when he is ready to settle down and buy you’ll offer him the same amount. That’s totally fair.

My mum gave me money towards a house deposit. Dh and I saved for over a decade and weren’t in a position to buy until I was 40. She gave it to me then. Because that’s when I was ready to buy a house.

A friend is in this situation, so with agreement his daughter opened a LISA and the parents pay into that each month so the money becomes hers, grows and is kept secure until she is in a position to buy.

Can you put most of it in a LISA for him? (4k now another 4k in April 26) So he will only have it for a house or retirement.

We gave DD1 a sum for a deposit around 4 yours ago. We have the same amount set aside for DD2 when she wants to buy a house/get married/go on a round the world trip. She knows it is there and is happy that it is gaining interest for when she wants it.

This is why my husband can’t accept money from his parents. It was always given with a stipulation attached. Which always made him feel like he wasn’t trusted to make his own judgements about “valuable” things and felt like he was being judged.
A house is something of value to you but travel is of value to your son. And from your post you don’t think travel is as valuable as a house. He could probably argue that it is. You also probably have good reasons why it isn’t.
What happens if you talk to him and he doesn’t see at any point in the future where he will want to settle down and have a house and he still wants to spend it on travel? How would you feel then? How would your son feel?
I suspect your son, like my husband, makes very good judgements but he doesn’t have the same experience as you and he is likely to use the money differently to you. What happens if he feels like he’d like to invest part of it towards a flat in the future but he’d like to spend 2K on a great holiday experience for him and his girlfriend? Would that be good enough use of the money? Or would he be judged? Do speak to him but don’t expect to be able to talk him into your point of view. Gifts should always be given string free .

Gosh you sound like a lovely, thoughtful Mum.

I think the key here is honesty.

Tell him that you have given DD the same amount.

Tell him that this is really a one off gift and nothing more will be forthcoming.

Put it in an account that he has access to and leave it there. If he has made Head of Year at 28 he is not silly.

Maybe the travel balances out the stress of his job?

I think you have done well with both of them. Just be honest with them both and underline clearly that this is a one off.

What happens if he never buys property? He could die before you and never benefit or enjoy it.

It feels you are projecting your belief of what is sensible or proper spending onto him.

I agree with this!

"We've got 10k for each of you which we will gift you for the purpose of helping you buy your first home. DD here's 10k. DS let us know when you are ready to buy."

If you gave it him now, it could be that he invests it and by the time he is househunting, its 30k.

If you make it clear that its a one off, that is you done. You've ticked your box re deprivation of assets, and you've shown him you're not babying him and you dont think less of him for his lifestyle choices by holding it for him (he is an adult after all)

You're right though, once its gone - its not yours, you cant be grieved by his choices. If you want it to be a deposit, then say that - have the conversation, he may tell you thats not in his plan, he would invest, he would spend, he would travel - you need the chat.

OhDear111
we currently have over 2k pm in work pensions- lump sum s were small and used to pay off mortgage and a camper van .
we retired from public sector jobs - no final salary pension .
dh gets state pension next year.me in 5 .

It is specifically for a house. At some point your ds will need one so keep it for when he is ready. Let him know and let dd know. If no house purchased before you die then he gets extra 10k.

I would discuss it in case it makes saving for house deposit seem more possible. If he is very hurt or upset I might give it now but I think most people would be happy to know it is there for them.

If you gave the money as an unsecured interest free loan, went to a solicitor, and declared it in your will then it'd be knocked off their share of your estate. My grandparents did something like that for my father. However it would still be yours if you were evaluated for care costs or inheritance tax.

We gave our DD £5k for her wedding. We will do the same for DS. If we gave it to him now, then he gets married in 5 years and we give him nothing that would feel odd, so I do get the dilemma.

I dont understand where there's an issue, or even something to talk about. You are giving money for a house deposit. He isn't currently getting a house. He is probably going to be confused why you are even having a conversation about anything with him, why would you need to help him with something he isn't doing yet.

I agree.

How would your daughter feel if you’d said ‘we’re giving £10k to your brother to go on the trip of a lifetime. You can have the same amount but you can only spend it on travelling. We’ll put it in savings for you for now, but it could mean you can only afford a weekend in Margate by the time you are ready to use it.’

toomuchfaff

If we gave it now and he invested it. ,it could give £30k ?
I dont know about were he could do that ? Any suggestions would be great - for us too as the money is just sitting in the bank( we have mates who have financial advisors , but we dont have that amount of money to warrant one )

You don’t have to give them money at the same time. My parents gave me money for some furniture when I bought my 1st place. I hadn’t known she did the same for my sibling a few years earlier. If it’s for a house, then give the money when they buy a house.

We give the same for house deposit only. One Ds bought a house at 25 and received his.
Second Ds is married and renting, he will get his when he goes to buy a house, not before.
Dd still in Uni will have to wait till she is buying a house, same rule for all. I don't fund travel.

Totally agree, same for each child regardless of what they wish to spend it on.

Exactly this

How about giving both children £5k now to use as they please, and save the other £10k to give both children £5k in the future?

It might be that, as you suggest, with the first gift your DD will add the money to her deposit and your DS will take a nice holiday. But if the next gift is passed down at a point when your DS has a significant event to pay for, then your DD may well use the money at that point for a nice holiday.

Both children treated equally, and no worries about inflation differences.

What would happen if you needed a new roof on the house ?

That is probably 20 odd K gone right there.

30K is not very much in terms of house repairs these days.