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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

204 replies

Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:47

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

OP posts:
hattie43 · 21/10/2025 12:33

I think you give them both £10k now on the understanding that’s all they can have . Your son has a good job and life’s passions he’s not exactly a lazy person , great job great passions , fantastic id say . Tbh 10.k is not an earth shattering sum and will only be a token gesture as far as contribution to a house purchase , so I think you’re overthinking things .

Slushynana · 21/10/2025 12:33

I am retired and If I only had £50000 in savings I definitely wouldn’t be giving away £20000 of it. That money may have to last you 30 years.

tripleginandtonic · 21/10/2025 12:33

If money is for a deposit then it's only fair it's spent on that, so tell him you're keeping it until he's ready to buy a property.

Lollipop2025 · 21/10/2025 12:34

Let him have the money now and he can start putting it into an LISA over the next 3 years and have a decent amount for when he is ready. If he doesnt do that then that's entirely up to him. Also I think some times if you think you are never going to be able to buy a house its best to just stop thinking and trying but if he knew he had 10k as a jump start it might change his mind.

QforCucumber · 21/10/2025 12:35

what if he never buys a house? does that mean he goes without?

He's 28 not 18, and if living in the South then 10k isn't likely to get him very far with a deposit anyway in the grand scheme of things.

blueskydays45 · 21/10/2025 12:35

When I bought my house, I was given a large amount of money from my parents. A few years later, my sister bought a house and my parents gave her the same amount of money then. The money was for buying a house. They did something complicated with other money we are given by them as a way of offsetting interest rates etc. we both saw it as fair. £x for buying a house, whenever we each decided to buy. It wasn't a random gift but for that specific purpose.

GasPanic · 21/10/2025 12:35

TBH I wouldn't give it to either of them.

50K is not exactly a lot in savings. And it will be 30K by the time you finish.

Once you give it you won't get it back. What happens if an emergency happens ?

gallivantsaregood · 21/10/2025 12:35

So the problems I see with holding onto it until he buys a property are:

  1. He may choose not to buy.
  1. He may buy but not for many years, at which ppoint the same £10k with realistically be worth less.
  1. You or your husband may have a significant health event which means you require care and the money will be used for that and your son gets nothing.

If it was me, I'd go with giving both the money and being very clear that it's a one-off, regardless of how they choose to spend it.

happygertie · 21/10/2025 12:36

Just tell
him you have 10k for each of them for house deposits so when he comes to buy you will give him the 10k

Itsseweasy · 21/10/2025 12:37

Coffeeishot · 21/10/2025 11:57

Personally If you specifically gave the money to your dd for a deposit then I think you should do the same/similar for your son. Maybe a house move or deposit. Just keep it aside for him you don't have to dish it out now,

Exactly this. Otherwise realistically you wouldn’t randomly be giving him £10K now would you?
If it was me I’d be upfront and tell him you’ve helped his sister with £10K for her house deposit and of course you’ll do the same for him when his time comes. Simple!
If he never needs it he can either inherit it or you can put it towards his wedding/insert big life event here when he’s older.

ButtonMushrooms · 21/10/2025 12:38

My parents have helped me and my brother out financially at various times, but it's always been a contribution towards a specific goal (eg house purchase, wedding), not just for no reason. They kept a clear record to make sure it ended up even between us.

Amblealongside · 21/10/2025 12:38

I would explain to him that the money is for a future house deposit and ask if he'll open a LISA that you can deposit £4k a year into. The government will top it up by £1k per every £4k and it can only be used for a first-time buyer deposit. The only downside is that there is a limit for the price of the property that they're able to purchase with a LISA deposit, which may limit him in the SE or London. You'll be avoiding any issues with deprivation of assets and inheritance tax too.

RogerR4bbit · 21/10/2025 12:39

I would put £4k this financial year into a LISA for your son; the government will add £1k to that and he’ll also get interest.

Then in April 2026, put another £4k into his LISA, he’ll get another £1k from the government, plus taxes.

In April 2027, put in £2k.

Then you’ve given £10k to your DD for her house and £10k to your DS for a house/his pension and he’ll get the government boost and tax-free interest on it until it’s the right time (for him) to buy a property.

QuickPeachPoet · 21/10/2025 12:39

I would not allow my hard earned money to be frittered away on traveling. I would hold the money and then when he is ready to buy property, add it to his deposit so you know exactly where it is going.

RogerR4bbit · 21/10/2025 12:40

@Amblealongsidewe both had the same thought!

Amblealongside · 21/10/2025 12:40

RogerR4bbit · 21/10/2025 12:39

I would put £4k this financial year into a LISA for your son; the government will add £1k to that and he’ll also get interest.

Then in April 2026, put another £4k into his LISA, he’ll get another £1k from the government, plus taxes.

In April 2027, put in £2k.

Then you’ve given £10k to your DD for her house and £10k to your DS for a house/his pension and he’ll get the government boost and tax-free interest on it until it’s the right time (for him) to buy a property.

You explained it better than me, thanks 😁

Ineedanewsofa · 21/10/2025 12:43

So my parents were very specific that there was Uni money, deposit money and wedding money and that they would gift it when those milestones were hit by each individual child OR the funds could be grouped (for example I asked to pool house and wedding money for house, when we did eventually get married we paid for everything ourselves cos we’d already spent our wedding money on the house). It wasn’t in any way contingent on when my sibling was receiving money as we are different shes and stages. Always felt fair to us and the boundaries were very clear

BaconCheeses · 21/10/2025 12:44

Lollipop2025 · 21/10/2025 12:34

Let him have the money now and he can start putting it into an LISA over the next 3 years and have a decent amount for when he is ready. If he doesnt do that then that's entirely up to him. Also I think some times if you think you are never going to be able to buy a house its best to just stop thinking and trying but if he knew he had 10k as a jump start it might change his mind.

LISA sounds like the perfect solution. He gets it now and it's ringfenced and earning money.

Might also trigger him into thinking about topping it up himself.

Thingamebobwotsit · 21/10/2025 12:44

Just have the conversation and say the £10K is his when he wants to put a deposit down. Equally, you may be able to pop it in a Trust for him so it isn't gobbled up in care fees at a later date if he isn't quite ready yet to commit to a big purchase.

Almost2026 · 21/10/2025 12:44

I wouldn’t hide that you have given DD £10k, I also wouldn’t give DS the money now. I’d just tell him when and if he’s ever ready to buy, he will have £10k available as well.

We had a few years doing really nice holidays because a house deposit was too far out of our reach, so went for the live for today. Our income has since changed and now we are heavily saving, but had a parent offered to add £10k then that would have made it more attractive and seem more doable to save for a deposit earlier.

Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 12:46

Slushynana
I am aware we will only have £30 k left , but we want to help .
we have a pension of above 2k , and next year dh gets state pension.
we both work pt too and have just bought a cheap(4k ) car for cash and atm we are able to save £ 500 pm if we focus.
We went to Spain for a month in our camper van last year on a buget - it was brilliant! - maybe thats were som gets travel bug from ! - and we are not money oriented people. Eg I wear cashmere- but from vinted.!
we live in a small paid for house by the sea , my dh maintains an historic building there , I clean the museumn. Whilst we dont have a lot ( and yes thjngs need doing on the house) we feel happy to help them and have a simple life .
yes we are aware we will never be able to afford a posh care home though! 😄

OP posts:
ElBandito · 21/10/2025 12:47

This isn't controversial. "We are giving A some money towards a deposit, you will get the same when you get on the property ladder". Job done.

Original poster
Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 12:47

Thingamebobwotsit I can put it in a trust? i dont know about that option?

OP posts:
Franpie · 21/10/2025 12:48

IMO, you give it to him now. He can choose to invest it, save it, or spend it. It should be up to him.

My in-laws have started passing down funds to their adult children. One is buying a house, one is using it for fertility treatment and we’ve not decided what to do with ours yet. We don’t really need it so might just use it for an extravagant trip somewhere (most likely though, it’ll just sit in the bank).

AgDulAmach · 21/10/2025 12:48

It's possibly a personal bugbear but I despise gifts with strings attached. My parents have their failings but to give them their due any money they have given me they've given without having the slightest interest in how I spend it. DH's parents, by contrast, tried to give us a few thousand a few years back, but dictated what we could do with it. We turned it down. It's so insulting as an adult to be manipulated with money.

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