To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

[Ginandbitterlemons]

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

Tricky.

I don’t think there’s an exact right or wrong answer.

But I do think, for reasons of fairness, if one gets a significant gift of money to one adult child, one should probably do it for the other, unless there is some big difference in their income or personal circumstances …

But as you say, OP, you could talk to him about this. However, you can’t really say he has to buy a property with it either. Personally, I don’t think travelling is irresponsible myself, he sounds like he is a serious person with a good job.. But I can understand your view as well. Maybe you could ask him if he needs some money for a car, or use the money to buy some premium bonds to have as savings for his future? Then let it go and leave it up to him?

I think you should just give him the 10k then it’s equal and done and dusted. If he doesn’t use it towards a house deposit then that’s on him. I’d be more concerned about treating both children the same and not looking like you’re playing favourites or giving money with strings attached.

It’s not equal though. DD had money for a deposit, not fun money. She might then say that hers came with implied restrictions.

Also if anyone is going to fritter it away, maybe the OP could do with some fun money!

Put it in an account as and when a deposit is needed. Make it clear that’s what it’s for. End of.

My parents said they'd give each of us siblings the same amount for either a house purchase or wedding. I took it for house, 1 siblings did wedding and 1 did half and half. At the end of the day it's your money, you're entitled to restrict what it's spent on if you want.

I was going to say just don't mention it and see what he gets up to over the next 5/10 years but given your update I think it's fine to either say you'll give him £10k only to use as a deposit if and when he buys a house but if he never does he'll get it in your will.

Or that you'll give him the £10k now to spend on whatever he wants and accept it might not be what you'd do with it BUT if you do this you have to do the same for dd - if she only wants to put £5k towards her house and the rest on a holiday no comment from you.

It wouldn't be fair to give her £10k with strict restrictions on what she could spend it on and him £10k to do whatever with.

Tell him you are giving daughter 10k towards a house and will do the same for him when the time comes. I wouldnt want to fund a lifestyle but I would contribute towards a home and future stability.

latetothefisting
re the will - Get what you are saying - but after many years of work in social care - it worries us hugley that the house we own may be used for care costs- Ive seen it 1000s of times- the family getting nothing due to this despite a will .
I feel like its our chance to make sire they get at least something.
I cant believe that some people say its only 50 k we have - we went for years in social care with no pay rises whatsoever - effectively meaning wage reduction- despite unions . Dh comes from a v poor family - and for him to achieve this is something he his proud of actually.Many families domt have savings and I know really we need the money , but our desire to help our dc is strong.

You are only in your 60s with only 50K savings. Unless you have a terminal illness I don’t think you should be giving away 20K out of the 50!

If you do…

Your daughter is buying a house, that’s her choice. What if your son doesn’t want the burden of a mortgage? I don’t see meaningful travel as a waste of money, it’s life enriching. 10K will be worth less in future, so giving at separate times means you are giving a different value. 10K each now and they can choose what to do with it. Give a gift without strings.

It would be closer within his reach if you told him about the £10k gift for a deposit. He might then think he could aspire to buying a house. Give him that option. Also don't hide from him you helped his sister or it could cause issues further down the line. You could ask him if he wanted to open a LISA and get a government top up too.

We have given fairly substantial amounts to both dds, but only for property purchases, so not at the same time.
We’d never have given such sums for anything like travel, or ‘lifestyle’ activities.

I’d make it clear to your ds, OP, that he’ll get the same - when he’s buying his first house or flat.

You could do what I did with my DM. We opened a joint bank account (her idea!) as we had some joint expenses in relation to a property. It wasn’t planned this way but when she died the account automatically transferred to me without it having to be folded into the estate. If your DS knows it’s an account you’ll have access to he might be less tempted to spend from it, especially if you make the condition clear.

Brilliant idea!!!

No they don't but it seems unfair to give to one child and not the other. Would you treat your own kids so differently?

Just be aware that if you did go into care and were being funded by the LA, they would take half of the money in that account into their calculations (they did this for my DM). But as joint account holder he would be able to remove money before it came to that.

If you only have £50k savings for yourselves for retirement you are mad to give them this much money.

You're dramatising this. She's not treating them differently. She fully intends to give each of her kids £10k, which is a lovely and generous gift. So she is not "giving to one child and not the other" at all is she? The daughter is older and buying her first house so in a different place to the son. The daughter would like the money now for those reasons. The son is younger but does now have a girlfriend, has got a big promotion and in all probably will be wanting to get on the housing ladder in the next couple of years. Ten thousand pounds will help him. The mother (like most mums) is only trying to do the best for her kids and thinking of their future needs. I don't know why you think that's so bloody scandalous or why you think the OP has absolutely no autonomy over her own money.

Agree with the suggestions to offer the money now / over the next 18 months to save in a LISA. That way he gets the government boost and it is ringfenced for the purpose you want him to use it for. No issues with the value eroding with inflation or being used for your own future care needs. He does need to know the money is there even if you decide to keep it until he buys a property.

Speak to him and let him know its to go towards a house deposit and will be there if he decides to buy

I will have a similar amount to give to my ds, and while I think the sensible decision is for him to put towards a house, he wants nothing more than to travel. I half joking said to him 'you won't blow all my hard saved pennies on a glorified holiday' but at the end of the day life is very short and if we have anything to give them it should be to empower them to value their own decision making and a lust for living. He will know when he gets his saved up money at 18 that is it until I pop it 🤣. Good luck to your dd and ds both of whom are very lucky you are willing and able to help them out! Xx

Good idea for a LISA-will do that for my dd. She has HTB I did when she was 19 but LISA is much better. And 10k is a lot of money towards a house-especially if it’s 20% of your savings. If he potentially buys with a partner and they get gifted 10k from family-that’s 20k for them. That’s an awful lot of nights in eating baked beans. A young couple would be grateful for that. Yes I know if the house costs 50lk, it’s not going very far, but in much of the country, a FTB will get something decent for 200-250k.

Who says the daughter is older? Yes the OP says about giving 10k. Realistically though is 10 k in 8 years time for example if the son did decide to buy them the equivalent of 10 k today? It will be worth far less.

What is the son never wants to buy a house? Does that mean his sister gets 10 k and he doesn't? That's more the point

No, it doesn't mean that at all. Why are you determined to twist this? The OP has made it perfectly clear that she wants to give both her children 10k. And it is perfectly clear that she has their best interests at heart. You seem to be treating this as an act of spite. I wish someone would be spiteful enough to give me 10k at any time quite frankly. This is the trouble these days. All these entitled kids of boomers expect to be given their parents' money before they're even cold in the grave. And god forbid if the parents dare so much as suggest a good way to use their hard earned cash. The fucking cheek of it!

Yes I agree with this stance

Haven’t read the full thread but the value of £10k in say 5 years will be less. So I would give it now on the basis that you would like him to invest it so he starts to grow a nest egg as it’s quite likely as you say that your home will be used for care costs.

I think you are over thinking things. You want to help your dc buy a house, your daughter is buying a house and your son isn’t. Therefore, for now, your daughter gets some money and your son doesn’t. If your son buys a house, then he also gets some money, at that time. The only risk here is you may not be in a position to help if / when your ds buys a house. Perhaps therefore it’s worth trying to put it in a separate pot such as a Lisa account where it can only be spent on a house or pension.

28 is getting towards the end of being very young and free. In 5 years time he may well be starting to think about houses and babies, having thoroughly enjoyed his youth! I'd hold onto it for 5 years then talk to him about what he wants