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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's "paternity leave" not "personal project leave"?

202 replies

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:02

For our first two DC, DH got the standard 2 weeks paternity leave. He was working ridiculous hours, sometimes 90-100 hour weeks, and regularly went 12 days without a day off. We had no family nearby. Surprise surprise I found it very difficult as a new mother, had PND and was incredibly lonely. On top of this, COVID happened when DC1 was young (DH worked throughout) and all in all it was a really difficult time for both of us.

(The background is relevant as I think it helps explain my strength of feeling about this.)

Anyway- We are expecting DC3 early next year. This time DH is in a new job and gets 6 months paternity leave. Firstly, I realise how incredibly fortunate we are and I am very excited to experience the newborn stage in hopefully a much more positive way.

However, already a few comments have been made to him by (male) friends along the lines of "how are you planning to fill your time?" "Won't you get bored?" Etc etc. Last week a friend told him "you definitely need a project to focus on". We spoke about it afterwards and I said I think we'll have more than enough with our joint project of caring for a newborn, looking after two older DC and supporting each other. We have several trips planned too. DH did agree, but also casually mentioned he was considered signing up for a marathon/half marathon (or similar sporting event) and trying to get a PB.

Now - before I get the usual flaming for daring to suggest my DH should prioritise family over personal hobbies, I fully hope and expect that we will BOTH have time to do plenty of things for ourselves (1 DC is in school, the other is in preschool part time). I expect he'll be able to spend a good deal of time on hobbies, and obviously I want us both to have a really enjoyable time and make the most of it. We won't want to be in each others pockets 24/7, and I anticipate there'll be lots of time when I'm seeing friends and family and he can do what he chooses.

However, I really feel uneasy about him having a 'project' like a big sporting event to focus on. He is very focused and driven about this type of thing. Knowing him, he would expend a lot of physical and mental energy on it and be quite preoccupied with it, when in my view we should both be focusing for this period on our family. We also have quite a bit of DIY stuff to do around the house. The more time we can each fit in for our own stuff (exercising/hobbies/seeing friends) the better, but I think if he has a specific "project" it's bound to create resentment, particularly given the history of my past experience.

AIBU

I also think it's so typical of (some) men to be suggesting he'll be bored/need something to focus on etc etc - does anyone suggest that to a women about to start
maternity leave?

OP posts:
TesChique · 21/10/2025 10:03

Ofc YANBU

You must know that

Why do you continue having children wjth this man

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/10/2025 10:06

Could you point out to him that mothers going on maternity leave aren't asked what they are going to do with 'all this spare time' and whether they are going to start a project, because their 'project' is the baby and to assume it should be different for men is sexism of the highest calibre?

Ygfrhj · 21/10/2025 10:07

You're both going to be on leave simultaneously for six months? If so then I think YABU and you should pursue a personal project yourself.

BarnacleBeasley · 21/10/2025 10:09

I would get him a running buggy and he can take the preschooler with him while he's training.

Coldsoup · 21/10/2025 10:09

Yanbu. But equally, surely it would be better for parents to take it in turns to take the time off? most of the time with a newborn they just sleep and feed so I can kind of see why people are chatting about how to fill the time.

Surely his long hours the previous times are what enabled you to live the lifestyle that means you can have three children and not work?

Yellowe · 21/10/2025 10:09

Your DH doesn’t sound very present, but you’ve presumably known this from your first child onward.

I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong as such with a project on maternity/paternity leave (I wrote my first novel on maternity leave), but you’re clearly hoping that having six months off work is going to give your DH a personality transplant and turn him into an attentive, present husband and father, which is deeply unlikely.

BishyBarnyBee · 21/10/2025 10:10

If you are both at home full time, there probably is room for him to train for a half marathon and you to have some regular time off to pursue your own wellbeing.

It seems incredibly generous for a company to grant enough paternity leave for you both to be at home for six months though, never come across that before.

Original poster
bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:11

Coldsoup · 21/10/2025 10:09

Yanbu. But equally, surely it would be better for parents to take it in turns to take the time off? most of the time with a newborn they just sleep and feed so I can kind of see why people are chatting about how to fill the time.

Surely his long hours the previous times are what enabled you to live the lifestyle that means you can have three children and not work?

Edited

I do work. his 6 months is not shared parental leaves it's completely separate. He gets 6 months. I get a year (although not fully paid). We both have to take it within the first year of babies life, so couldn't use it separately anyway. We want to use it together

OP posts:
2025VibeandThrive · 21/10/2025 10:12

BarnacleBeasley · 21/10/2025 10:09

I would get him a running buggy and he can take the preschooler with him while he's training.

Genius.

I mean both off full time does suggest to me there may be some capacity for other interests and a half marathon doesn’t require a huge commitment if he is used to running…. I don’t know, I realise the time is paternity leave but you’ll be sick of the sight of each other! Is there anything you’d like to do with the time OP (apart from recover of course)!

Polyestered · 21/10/2025 10:15

Absolutely fuck that. Sorry. The above suggestions won’t work - he won’t want to take a buggy along as he will say it will interfere with his training etc - unless you know one of these types of men don’t expect them to be reasonable! If he gets 6 months, he does the lions share with the older 2, all drop offs/ pick ups/ house stuff. You focus on rest and baby. Done.

Thundertoast · 21/10/2025 10:15

What conversations have you had about his level of involvement and workloads and obsessive focus since this happened:

'For our first two DC, DH got the standard 2 weeks paternity leave. He was working ridiculous hours, sometimes 90-100 hour weeks, and regularly went 12 days without a day off. We had no family nearby. Surprise surprise I found it very difficult as a new mother, had PND and was incredibly lonely. On top of this, COVID happened when DC1 was young (DH worked throughout) and all in all it was a really difficult time for both of us.'

What discussions have you had on this - does this new job come with less hours?
I suppose what im getting at is, if he was working that many hours then he's basically missed the entirety of his first two children's life, and I would be devastated to realise that his reaction to getting 6 months off would be 'hmm, I should get a project' and not 'thank god I finally get to spend time with my wife and children'

TheNightingalesStarling · 21/10/2025 10:16

Tell him to make sure he has done all the paperwork for this leave and be sure of the facts... my friend thought he got three months off but turned out it was up to three months depending on length of time he had worked there. (He got 1 month)

BishyBarnyBee · 21/10/2025 10:17

TheNightingalesStarling · 21/10/2025 10:16

Tell him to make sure he has done all the paperwork for this leave and be sure of the facts... my friend thought he got three months off but turned out it was up to three months depending on length of time he had worked there. (He got 1 month)

Yes, six months paternity leave in a new job is incredibly generous.

Original poster
bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:18

BishyBarnyBee · 21/10/2025 10:17

Yes, six months paternity leave in a new job is incredibly generous.

Show quote history

100% it is 6 months. Lots of his colleagues have taken it. He's been at the company years (new job within same company). As I said, I realise we're very fortunate

OP posts:
Mysteron1 · 21/10/2025 10:18

YANBU 100%

Though sadly people do say totally mad things to women embarking on mat leave too - someone said to me when my DD was about 1 month old that I must have “loads of time on my hands” and I should consider starting revision for my professional exams.

This person has 3 DCs of his own. The mind just boggles!

JHound · 21/10/2025 10:18

I agree with you. I find it disturbing how many women I know said their partner used parental leave to golf, go away with friends, build a model railway set etc.

Their mothers / sisters / female friends would come around during that time to help with the baby / household instead.

Mysteron1 · 21/10/2025 10:20

Polyestered · 21/10/2025 10:15

Absolutely fuck that. Sorry. The above suggestions won’t work - he won’t want to take a buggy along as he will say it will interfere with his training etc - unless you know one of these types of men don’t expect them to be reasonable! If he gets 6 months, he does the lions share with the older 2, all drop offs/ pick ups/ house stuff. You focus on rest and baby. Done.

100% this!

BishyBarnyBee · 21/10/2025 10:20

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:18

100% it is 6 months. Lots of his colleagues have taken it. He's been at the company years (new job within same company). As I said, I realise we're very fortunate

Show quote history

But the same company, in a different role, only 2 weeks? What a curious company policy.

Original poster
bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:21

Yellowe · 21/10/2025 10:09

Your DH doesn’t sound very present, but you’ve presumably known this from your first child onward.

I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong as such with a project on maternity/paternity leave (I wrote my first novel on maternity leave), but you’re clearly hoping that having six months off work is going to give your DH a personality transplant and turn him into an attentive, present husband and father, which is deeply unlikely.

I don't want or expect a personality transplant. He's great, and is in fact a very attentive father. Since the new job he works a 4 day week already so does a full day of solo childcare (long hours the other 4 days).

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2025 10:23

Yes I thought I’d be able to write a book on maternity leave! 😂

Turns out I could barely even have a shower!

Your DH needs a wake up call. I do think there should be some method of employers checking in to make sure these men are actually using their leave for “paternity” rather than personal vanity projects or getting lots of lovely sleep and leaving their partners to it.

Maybe a regular check in with lots of probing questions? Or maybe female partners could lodge a report? (Only kidding re the second one as they’d probably be scared to tell the truth with some of these specimens you hear of on MN)

Marathon my arse.

Original poster
bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:24

BishyBarnyBee · 21/10/2025 10:20

But the same company, in a different role, only 2 weeks? What a curious company policy.

Show quote history

The policy changed (although I'm not sure he would have even been entitled to it before as previous job was a training role). Not sure why everyone is so suspicious of 6 months paternity leave! I guess it shows how crap paternity leave is in this country generally

OP posts:
LameBorzoi · 21/10/2025 10:24

Yes, people do say to women going on maternity leave "how will you fill your time?". Drove me nuts!

Original poster
bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:27

BishyBarnyBee · 21/10/2025 10:10

If you are both at home full time, there probably is room for him to train for a half marathon and you to have some regular time off to pursue your own wellbeing.

It seems incredibly generous for a company to grant enough paternity leave for you both to be at home for six months though, never come across that before.

Yes I do take this point... I want us both to make the most of it, I think I'm just worried about a specific goal or project taking over too much (especially because I had such a crap time when my older two were born)

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/10/2025 10:28

Mysteron1 · 21/10/2025 10:18

YANBU 100%

Though sadly people do say totally mad things to women embarking on mat leave too - someone said to me when my DD was about 1 month old that I must have “loads of time on my hands” and I should consider starting revision for my professional exams.

This person has 3 DCs of his own. The mind just boggles!

To be fair it can depend on the type of baby you get. None of mine ever slept for very long, were fussy and wanted to be carried about. Eldest DD didn't nap even from newborn. But I have heard of people whose babies feed and sleep and that's about it, I'd suppose that they would have some spare time, if they put the baby down and knew it would sleep for a four hour stretch.

I was never that lucky.

Olaeverybody · 21/10/2025 10:28

Yellowe · 21/10/2025 10:09

Your DH doesn’t sound very present, but you’ve presumably known this from your first child onward.

I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong as such with a project on maternity/paternity leave (I wrote my first novel on maternity leave), but you’re clearly hoping that having six months off work is going to give your DH a personality transplant and turn him into an attentive, present husband and father, which is deeply unlikely.

exactly this. If you don’t let him do it, what is he going to do with all that drive and energy. I don’t think he’s going to change so why not? Let him embrace it but tell him you are expecting this to be a time when you both have equal responsibility for all the children so they come first, then his “project”. As long as he agrees to this, it should be okay?