AIBU to think it's "paternity leave" not "personal project leave"?

[bobandbrenda]

For our first two DC, DH got the standard 2 weeks paternity leave. He was working ridiculous hours, sometimes 90-100 hour weeks, and regularly went 12 days without a day off. We had no family nearby. Surprise surprise I found it very difficult as a new mother, had PND and was incredibly lonely. On top of this, COVID happened when DC1 was young (DH worked throughout) and all in all it was a really difficult time for both of us.

(The background is relevant as I think it helps explain my strength of feeling about this.)

Anyway- We are expecting DC3 early next year. This time DH is in a new job and gets 6 months paternity leave. Firstly, I realise how incredibly fortunate we are and I am very excited to experience the newborn stage in hopefully a much more positive way.

However, already a few comments have been made to him by (male) friends along the lines of "how are you planning to fill your time?" "Won't you get bored?" Etc etc. Last week a friend told him "you definitely need a project to focus on". We spoke about it afterwards and I said I think we'll have more than enough with our joint project of caring for a newborn, looking after two older DC and supporting each other. We have several trips planned too. DH did agree, but also casually mentioned he was considered signing up for a marathon/half marathon (or similar sporting event) and trying to get a PB.

Now - before I get the usual flaming for daring to suggest my DH should prioritise family over personal hobbies, I fully hope and expect that we will BOTH have time to do plenty of things for ourselves (1 DC is in school, the other is in preschool part time). I expect he'll be able to spend a good deal of time on hobbies, and obviously I want us both to have a really enjoyable time and make the most of it. We won't want to be in each others pockets 24/7, and I anticipate there'll be lots of time when I'm seeing friends and family and he can do what he chooses.

However, I really feel uneasy about him having a 'project' like a big sporting event to focus on. He is very focused and driven about this type of thing. Knowing him, he would expend a lot of physical and mental energy on it and be quite preoccupied with it, when in my view we should both be focusing for this period on our family. We also have quite a bit of DIY stuff to do around the house. The more time we can each fit in for our own stuff (exercising/hobbies/seeing friends) the better, but I think if he has a specific "project" it's bound to create resentment, particularly given the history of my past experience.

AIBU

I also think it's so typical of (some) men to be suggesting he'll be bored/need something to focus on etc etc - does anyone suggest that to a women about to start
maternity leave?

My DH got 6 months paid leave. He spent it supporting me and older DC. That was the project. It was lovely family time that created some lasting memories.

I have 3 DC, we are both training for a half marathon. 😂

I went back to running when DC3 was 3 weeks old. I either run while DC3 is at nursery or buggy run. At the weekends, one of us will take DC3 out in the buggy. Before she started nursery, we used to go for a run during the week with DH pushing the buggy.

We take it in turns to go for a run and sometimes take the buggy to help the other one out. Running need not take up loads of time and I’ll fit it in with errands and school run and either run from school after drop off or do a run and finish at school for pick up.

Third children are different. Your DH can be more helpful doing the school run (and combining with a run) than being permanently present.

Agree with him. Ask him what time of day he anticipates doing his training (6-8am could work) and tell him what time of day YOU will be following your own new hobby.

Well the man works alot of hours so I should hope so. (Said in support of 6 months paternity leave not in support of your hubby going off to do his own thing, so many ppl seem put out by your husband being allowed 6 months off)

For us, baby was often in a sling when doing housework, laundry, food prep, dog walking, nursery runs etc. We did an extension while I was on maternity leave the 2nd time, so that was a lot of juggling different trades, engineers, organising materials and deliveries etc, things I could do while feeding or cuddling. The baby came with me to the house to sign for things, check things. And I could save practical stuff for when she napped, or she liked being on her play gym mat sometimes or in her pram with hanging toys.

Agree on the running buggy, I have one, and wouldn’t want my child in it until closer to one. But I did do fitness boot camp where you take the babies along and workout out, and found that really good- would really recommend. I didn’t discover that one until my second baby, so just mentioning here just in case others hadn’t heard of it.

Would you prefer he trained for a half marathon whilst working 100 hours a week and not having a day off in 12 days? If you both have 6 months off together, I’m sure he can spare an hour or so to go for a run? If, like you said he’ll have the time, why can he not do something for him? I’m sure he’ll also be present as a father, he can likely do both.

I think both parents having a small amount of time to spend on a project that isn't "looking after baby" would probably be extremely beneficial for their mental health and the wellbeing of the family overall.

I’m currently on maternity leave with my second child who is 4weeks old today. I’ve said a few times in the last couple of days that I honestly don’t know how I’ll fill the next 5 to 6 months (I’m not taking the full year, we are doing shared parental leave, and I’m the breadwinner so makes sense for me to go back at that point financially).

my husband had one month paternity leave until this week (separate to the shared leave) and honestly we were under each others feet and I’m so pleased he’s now back at work, routine for us all.

all our cleaning is done, washing, ironing etc and I’m looking for a project for myself to keep busy until I’m back. A half marathon would be perfect when I’ve healed from pre eclampsia and birth.

Yes I have full time responsibility for exclusive breastfeeding and both kids childcare but baby is literally sleeping sooooo much at this stage and I’m so bored! my husband was also bored towards the end of his month on paternity leave.

I was used to working 60 hour weeks even when heavily pregnant so I expect this is why I’m feeling this way now. It’s a MASSIVE culture shock. If 90-100 hours is the norm then he will definitely need something to keep him busy in addition to caring for you and baby.

OP if he can split it into chunks you might be better off him doing that-could he take half at the start and half when baby around 6 months to a year old, or depending on how it falls seasonally could you go travelling with all three kids next summer for 6 weeks or so? It’s time off work dependent and you won’t get chance to do it again. We’re currently planning a 6 week trip next year to fill some time and make some lovely memories 🩷

Remember he will accrue holiday too whilst off so that’s a loooot of time over a year. It’s fantastic but important you both have your own things to do to maintain a healthy relationship and mental health. Could you both train for a half marathon?

I’d be so pissed off if I were you. It’s so hard to plan and predict how your time is going to be spent before the baby is even born. Fingers crossed that you have a healthy baby, you are healthy, you get a good sleeper, your other DCs are ok etc. I would turn the conversation back to these issues and make it clear you want and need his support to help you both, the baby and the family settle in and if everything goes well, then you’ll talk about how you both get to use up any free time. It seems to me like he wants to claim personal time and focus for himself now and is setting out his stall so that you are primed to acquiesce no matter what.

My DF would have 100% have done this.

He wasn't interested in us til we were about 7.

My OH took 3 months shared parental leave for both our DC (started it when they were both about 3months). He took it so we were both off at the same time as we are both into running/cycling to give us both the time to keep that up & for him to create a better bond with both babies. IME with 2 adults full time at home there is definitely time to fit in 'personal projects' as we both created a goal we wanted to achieve in our sport (my goal was just to get back into the sport!) & gave each other the time to do it, when the older one was at preschool it was definitely easier to do our own thing. He even fitted in DIY, it's surprising how much time there actually is once there is no work to go to!

Presumably, OP agreeing to suspended her own career and be the main carer for their children is the reason he has been able to pursue his career uninterrupted, and has created the lifestyle he now has?

Honestly.

Seems like many people on here had easy, healthy babies and are speaking from that viewpoint.
I couldn't sit, eat, wee, sleep, or clean during my first mat leave as my baby was so unbelievably fussy (now diagnosed with various things). I certainly didn't have the time or energy to be bored or start projects.

Everyone's different I guess. I'm not worried about filling the time. The school day is only 6 hours long when you factor in the school run. I enjoy pottering around the house (and to be fair so does DH). Easily filled with cooking /baking /gardening/cleaning/dog walk /nice lunch/trips to see family and friends/ exercising/DIY jobs. That's forgetting all the newborn-related tasks.

Forgot to say my OH gets hyper focused when training for a fitness goal, it created a better atmosphere & routine when he could focus on a goal in addition to being at home rather than moping about not having anything

They often are! Some also book on courses etc, either for promotion or a new job.
A mum of 3 at my place said she wanted another baby to get a year off. Not in a jokey tone either.
Until fairly recently, all the baby vacation comments tended to be directed at mums, now it seems to be at dads too.

It's probably quite outing... Not tech or finance or anything typically "corporate". It's a profession that has traditionally been pretty awful for HR practices and benefits, but several big corporates have now taken over the sector (hence suddenly some corporate-style perks).

I guess it depends on personalities. Both of us are very active and would have found six months at home without other projects a nightmare. Same with our offspring, who have all had the 6 month paternity leave.
That is not to say that we did not both enjoy time with the babies but we loved to do other things as well. I don’t really think training for a marathon is going to be too tough particularly if he is fit and healthy already. And then once he gets home and showered could you do something you enjoy in peace?

To this
”I also think it's so typical of (some) men to be suggesting he'll be bored/need something to focus on etc etc - does anyone suggest that to a women about to start maternity leave?”

I got asked this all the time. “baby vacation” was used often in place of “maternity leave” in discussions. I was also given loads of advice on how to lose the baby weight and get my ass to a gym within two weeks of birth.

on the initial question, yes I think you are being a bit unreasonable. You’re totally right to preserve as much of the time as you can for family during his paternity leave. However, 6 months is a long time. It won’t all be taken up by family and there is nothing wrong with having a half marathon as a fitness goal. I think your concerns fell flat when you mentioned there was a lot of DIY around the house, implying that paternity leave is project leave so long as they are the DIY projects you want done.

It will be easier with two of you at home for six months. There will be time for you and him to exercise. Unless there are complications from the births

Have a discussion and be flexible.

If he's a reasonable person then a bit of communication should be able to sort this out. You can make a plan together about his training schedule, and if he's already fairly fit there's no reason why he can't train for a marathon while also doing his share of childcare. He'll need to agree to stick to that plan though.The baby unfortunately shouldn't be taken for runs in a buggy before they're 6 months old - something to do with head control. Part of the deal should of course be that you get an equal amount of time to go off and do your things, either with or without the newborn as circumstances (eg breastfeeding) and your own needs and wishes allow.

Does he work for Diageo. They give the dads 6 months too. Amazing perk!

Sounds like someone needs a book, bath, nap and maybe something else.

I think 6 months sounds absolutely incredible and it sounds like an opportunity for both of you to have some time to work on a project/take regular time for yourselves. The baby doesn't need full attention of 2 adults all day long, so you should both manage things. Sounds fantastic! Enjoy it.

Honestly, I think that someone who works 100 hour weeks and can go 12 days without a day off, deserves to use a bit of his paternity leave for a project which clearly would clearly be completely impossible when he's working.

A marathon! Makes you despair. Perhaps his friends are trying to wind him/you up.