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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's "paternity leave" not "personal project leave"?

202 replies

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:02

For our first two DC, DH got the standard 2 weeks paternity leave. He was working ridiculous hours, sometimes 90-100 hour weeks, and regularly went 12 days without a day off. We had no family nearby. Surprise surprise I found it very difficult as a new mother, had PND and was incredibly lonely. On top of this, COVID happened when DC1 was young (DH worked throughout) and all in all it was a really difficult time for both of us.

(The background is relevant as I think it helps explain my strength of feeling about this.)

Anyway- We are expecting DC3 early next year. This time DH is in a new job and gets 6 months paternity leave. Firstly, I realise how incredibly fortunate we are and I am very excited to experience the newborn stage in hopefully a much more positive way.

However, already a few comments have been made to him by (male) friends along the lines of "how are you planning to fill your time?" "Won't you get bored?" Etc etc. Last week a friend told him "you definitely need a project to focus on". We spoke about it afterwards and I said I think we'll have more than enough with our joint project of caring for a newborn, looking after two older DC and supporting each other. We have several trips planned too. DH did agree, but also casually mentioned he was considered signing up for a marathon/half marathon (or similar sporting event) and trying to get a PB.

Now - before I get the usual flaming for daring to suggest my DH should prioritise family over personal hobbies, I fully hope and expect that we will BOTH have time to do plenty of things for ourselves (1 DC is in school, the other is in preschool part time). I expect he'll be able to spend a good deal of time on hobbies, and obviously I want us both to have a really enjoyable time and make the most of it. We won't want to be in each others pockets 24/7, and I anticipate there'll be lots of time when I'm seeing friends and family and he can do what he chooses.

However, I really feel uneasy about him having a 'project' like a big sporting event to focus on. He is very focused and driven about this type of thing. Knowing him, he would expend a lot of physical and mental energy on it and be quite preoccupied with it, when in my view we should both be focusing for this period on our family. We also have quite a bit of DIY stuff to do around the house. The more time we can each fit in for our own stuff (exercising/hobbies/seeing friends) the better, but I think if he has a specific "project" it's bound to create resentment, particularly given the history of my past experience.

AIBU

I also think it's so typical of (some) men to be suggesting he'll be bored/need something to focus on etc etc - does anyone suggest that to a women about to start
maternity leave?

OP posts:
Coldsoup · 21/10/2025 10:29

LameBorzoi · 21/10/2025 10:24

Yes, people do say to women going on maternity leave "how will you fill your time?". Drove me nuts!

Yeah but if DH and I were both off together for 6 months I think we would both have wanted to have some kind of project to fill our time. That's the difference. Her DH isn't off while she is back at work. If they share the effort evenly they should both have a decent amount of free time

RingoJuice · 21/10/2025 10:30

I have not been impressed with SAHDs or how men spend their paternity leave. They tend to focus on themselves and their hobbies, which is why I’m always against extending generous leave to men in these cases.

BishyBarnyBee · 21/10/2025 10:30

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:24

The policy changed (although I'm not sure he would have even been entitled to it before as previous job was a training role). Not sure why everyone is so suspicious of 6 months paternity leave! I guess it shows how crap paternity leave is in this country generally

Show quote history

I apologise, I was deeply suspicious as I have literally never heard of such a policy. I have googled and see some major, high paying employers have indeed quite recently changed to this as a policy.

I can't imagine it for most average paying jobs - no school, hospital, supermarket would be likely to introduce this in the current economic climate - but I guess at the top end of the job market, different rules apply and firms are keen to reward and retain talent.

I'm not saying it's not how things should be - it would be wonderful if every family could have this. So I hope you find a way to navigate it which works for you as a family and that it makes up for the very tough time last time.

Spookyspaghetti · 21/10/2025 10:30

Coldsoup · 21/10/2025 10:09

Yanbu. But equally, surely it would be better for parents to take it in turns to take the time off? most of the time with a newborn they just sleep and feed so I can kind of see why people are chatting about how to fill the time.

Surely his long hours the previous times are what enabled you to live the lifestyle that means you can have three children and not work?

Edited

A newborn that just sleeps lol. Where can I find this unicorn?!

BarnacleBeasley · 21/10/2025 10:31

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/10/2025 10:28

To be fair it can depend on the type of baby you get. None of mine ever slept for very long, were fussy and wanted to be carried about. Eldest DD didn't nap even from newborn. But I have heard of people whose babies feed and sleep and that's about it, I'd suppose that they would have some spare time, if they put the baby down and knew it would sleep for a four hour stretch.

I was never that lucky.

Show quote history

I actually was that lucky the second time - DS2 napped for 5 hours a day and then slept all night. I just had to change a few nappies and do a bit of playing in the interim. I couldn't have trained for a marathon as I was stuck in the house. I got loads of cooking done though.

Supperlite · 21/10/2025 10:32

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/10/2025 10:06

Could you point out to him that mothers going on maternity leave aren't asked what they are going to do with 'all this spare time' and whether they are going to start a project, because their 'project' is the baby and to assume it should be different for men is sexism of the highest calibre?

This! He is not having time off. He has paternity leave. PATERNITY leave. His role is to be father to your kids and support to you. It is good for both of you to have little projects IF POSSIBLE but ultimately the whole point of this leave is to care for your kids and recover from pregnancy and birth and sleep deprivation in the post natal period.

Why TF do some men need this spelling out to them?! It’s in the name! PATERNITY leave! Smh.

(FWIW my DH has taken paternity leave seriously so it’s not all men…)

Mandylovescandy · 21/10/2025 10:33

I think a half marathon sounds perfectly fine. Marathon has too many long runs but half marathon sounds perfectly reasonable to me - did the same on my maternity leave with DC2 so plenty of running buggy runs with DC1 and from 6 months both of them. He has shown you on his day off that he can step up so I think you need to discuss when he thinks fitting in training would work best and agree if that also works with you and when you get a break as well

Yellowe · 21/10/2025 10:33

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2025 10:23

Yes I thought I’d be able to write a book on maternity leave! 😂

Turns out I could barely even have a shower!

Your DH needs a wake up call. I do think there should be some method of employers checking in to make sure these men are actually using their leave for “paternity” rather than personal vanity projects or getting lots of lovely sleep and leaving their partners to it.

Maybe a regular check in with lots of probing questions? Or maybe female partners could lodge a report? (Only kidding re the second one as they’d probably be scared to tell the truth with some of these specimens you hear of on MN)

Marathon my arse.

I did write one! It’s not impossible to have a project and parent your child. If the OP and her DH have an overlapping six months of maternity/paternity leave, there’s ample time for projects and parenting.

TheNightingalesStarling · 21/10/2025 10:36

Can you work it so that each of you has an hour or two each day to do what ever you want? Be that sport training, sleeping, reading a book etc...

(And I'm jealous of how much paternity leave has improved. DH was fielding work calls from the delivery room due to an emergency (proper life and death, not just someone list a pen etc) whereas his colleague now has three months off which is good for him, definitely don't blame him, but there isn't a cover just other people supposed to share his jobs)

Moonboots123 · 21/10/2025 10:37

Absolutely cannot for the life of me understand why this man is getting flamed so badly here. How much training do you all think goes into running a half marathon?! Minimal. Let the man take an hour to himself every day for a run. He’s taking six months off work to help out FFS. My partner took three days off after our first was born. And still played football twice a week. Guess what, I coped and didn’t resent him in the slightest for it.

Original poster
bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:39

Mandylovescandy · 21/10/2025 10:33

I think a half marathon sounds perfectly fine. Marathon has too many long runs but half marathon sounds perfectly reasonable to me - did the same on my maternity leave with DC2 so plenty of running buggy runs with DC1 and from 6 months both of them. He has shown you on his day off that he can step up so I think you need to discuss when he thinks fitting in training would work best and agree if that also works with you and when you get a break as well

Yes I think a half marathon might be ok... I think maybe we just need to have an open and honest discussion that if there's ever a conflict between either of us wanting to do something personal and family duties then the latter needs to take priority with no questions asked.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 21/10/2025 10:42

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:39

Yes I think a half marathon might be ok... I think maybe we just need to have an open and honest discussion that if there's ever a conflict between either of us wanting to do something personal and family duties then the latter needs to take priority with no questions asked.

Show quote history

You might respond with "Behave yourelf, I'm not doing that!" but might you have a weekly diary/timetable, whereby you identify in advance who's doing what and when? To ensure a good division of time "off" and time with the children?

MidnightPatrol · 21/10/2025 10:44

I think over the course of six months it’s quite nice for you both to have some alternative projects to spend time on too.

If it was only for a month, I’d probably agree with you though. That time is about recovery and establishing new routines.

Thatstheheatingon · 21/10/2025 10:45

What about "project family"?
I had the same question when dh went part time to look after the dc (I had been doing that previously) - what else will he be doing?
No one ever expected me to be fitting in a marathon or writing a novel in all my "spare" time.

G5000 · 21/10/2025 10:46

You are both off at the same time and honestly half-marathon training is not that intense, should be entirely possible for him to find those few hours. Would be a different matter if he planned to disappear for days or weeks. And you yourself should also take full advantage of the fact that he's there and carve out some time for your own activities or hobbies.

FourIsNewSix · 21/10/2025 10:48

I suppose the issue here is the "project" and "personal best".

If he wants to go running more often/regularly, and see whether it would lead to better times, that's of course fine. Sometimes he would go on his own, sometimes he can take the running buggy or the middle child on a bike with him and all will be good.

If he wants to setup a "training plan" and expect the OP to facilitate it, than the issue starts.

indoorplantqueen · 21/10/2025 10:49

2 parents at home full time for 6 months is really unusual. I would want to make the most of it too. I think it’s fair that he has a project, but equally you should have one too, or a goal to achieve in that time. A baby doesn’t need two full time parents at all times. Make a schedule where you both have specific roles- eg, him doing all drop offs and pick ups for older dc. He gets two hours free each morning, you get 2 in the afternoon etc. having my dh at home with me full time when I was on mat leave would’ve been really suffocating.
would you not rather you take 6/ 9 months off, go back to work and he takes the last 6 months with a crossover in the middle then he’s sole care for the last 3? It would give him a good insight into how to look at dc on his own and do the majority of house stuff.

MaggieBsBoat · 21/10/2025 10:52

He’s clueless and expects you to do everything. He’s a walking red flag and here you are having a third child with him and still expecting him to step up. SMH

User94816 · 21/10/2025 10:56

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/10/2025 10:06

Could you point out to him that mothers going on maternity leave aren't asked what they are going to do with 'all this spare time' and whether they are going to start a project, because their 'project' is the baby and to assume it should be different for men is sexism of the highest calibre?

Really? I presume I'm an outlier here judging by the voting, but myself and my friends all found parental leave incredibly dull! It was normal to ask what each other were going to do to fill the time. My friend is off on maternity from January, and has already got projects lined up to be getting on with whilst she's off - house things, garden projects for spring, she's considering re-training for a different role etc.
I don't know anyone on parental leave, male or female, who has spent the entire time focussed on the baby.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 21/10/2025 10:56

He may find he has enough work on his hands if you are unable to do everything you do usually.
Have the division of labour as well as division of leisure time conversation before hand.
Good luck! Hope things go well and you both come out of it feeling happy. (Along with your lo!)

passthebiscuittins · 21/10/2025 10:56

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/10/2025 10:06

Could you point out to him that mothers going on maternity leave aren't asked what they are going to do with 'all this spare time' and whether they are going to start a project, because their 'project' is the baby and to assume it should be different for men is sexism of the highest calibre?

This! So fed up that this attitude still exists. I knew a dad who did shared parental leave with his wife, high powered job, found his half of the leave really really hard. Yet had the micky taken out of him from older male work colleagues and asked similar about how he spent his time.

AllTheChaos · 21/10/2025 10:57

Yellowe · 21/10/2025 10:33

I did write one! It’s not impossible to have a project and parent your child. If the OP and her DH have an overlapping six months of maternity/paternity leave, there’s ample time for projects and parenting.

Show quote history

Really does depend on the type of baby though! Mine only slept 40 mins at a time for the first nearly two years, and when they weren’t asleep they need to be bounced up and down in my arms or would scream. By the time they were a few weeks old I was starting to twitch and hallucinate sometimes from sleep deprivation, and it didn’t get better for a very long time!

Crunchymum · 21/10/2025 10:58

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:18

100% it is 6 months. Lots of his colleagues have taken it. He's been at the company years (new job within same company). As I said, I realise we're very fortunate

Show quote history

Wow so some jobs within the company offer 2 weeks PL and others roles offer 6 months?

Blimey, HR need to take a look at that as it doesn't seem fair?

Brefugee · 21/10/2025 10:59

tell him that for the 2nd 3 months of his paternity leave you have booked a yoga retreat in Tibet.

That is all.

Junebrick · 21/10/2025 10:59

Supporting you needs to be the priority.

I think it's a bit of an insult to be considering a personal project approaching the birth of a new baby considering the amount of support you could potentially need. He should be thinking about how he can support you, not getting excited about his perceived abundance of free time to explore his own interests.

Having said that if all goes smoothly and the baby is easy enough and you're doing alright then it's fine to engage in your own hobbies. No way would I be okay with the hobby taking 1st priority at any point though, I'd be expecting 50/ 50 contribution when it comes to caring for the baby and I'd also be expecting he'd cover me for any hobbies I fancied doing as well.