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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's "paternity leave" not "personal project leave"?

202 replies

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:02

For our first two DC, DH got the standard 2 weeks paternity leave. He was working ridiculous hours, sometimes 90-100 hour weeks, and regularly went 12 days without a day off. We had no family nearby. Surprise surprise I found it very difficult as a new mother, had PND and was incredibly lonely. On top of this, COVID happened when DC1 was young (DH worked throughout) and all in all it was a really difficult time for both of us.

(The background is relevant as I think it helps explain my strength of feeling about this.)

Anyway- We are expecting DC3 early next year. This time DH is in a new job and gets 6 months paternity leave. Firstly, I realise how incredibly fortunate we are and I am very excited to experience the newborn stage in hopefully a much more positive way.

However, already a few comments have been made to him by (male) friends along the lines of "how are you planning to fill your time?" "Won't you get bored?" Etc etc. Last week a friend told him "you definitely need a project to focus on". We spoke about it afterwards and I said I think we'll have more than enough with our joint project of caring for a newborn, looking after two older DC and supporting each other. We have several trips planned too. DH did agree, but also casually mentioned he was considered signing up for a marathon/half marathon (or similar sporting event) and trying to get a PB.

Now - before I get the usual flaming for daring to suggest my DH should prioritise family over personal hobbies, I fully hope and expect that we will BOTH have time to do plenty of things for ourselves (1 DC is in school, the other is in preschool part time). I expect he'll be able to spend a good deal of time on hobbies, and obviously I want us both to have a really enjoyable time and make the most of it. We won't want to be in each others pockets 24/7, and I anticipate there'll be lots of time when I'm seeing friends and family and he can do what he chooses.

However, I really feel uneasy about him having a 'project' like a big sporting event to focus on. He is very focused and driven about this type of thing. Knowing him, he would expend a lot of physical and mental energy on it and be quite preoccupied with it, when in my view we should both be focusing for this period on our family. We also have quite a bit of DIY stuff to do around the house. The more time we can each fit in for our own stuff (exercising/hobbies/seeing friends) the better, but I think if he has a specific "project" it's bound to create resentment, particularly given the history of my past experience.

AIBU

I also think it's so typical of (some) men to be suggesting he'll be bored/need something to focus on etc etc - does anyone suggest that to a women about to start
maternity leave?

OP posts:
Irenesortof · 21/10/2025 23:25

I mean, yes, you should both have some time to exercise and socialise and rest during parental leave, it's the idea that he'll be 'bored' and needs something interesting to focus on during the first months of his baby's life that is infuriating. Can't he focus on you and the baby?

RubyMentor · 21/10/2025 23:30

I’d like to know what job your DH does to get 6 months paternity leave? When I had my kids 27 and 23 years ago I had 19 weeks as a mother

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 23:31

Irenesortof · 21/10/2025 23:22

A marathon! Makes you despair. Perhaps his friends are trying to wind him/you up.

what is it that make you "despair"? he's not planning a 6 months trek across the amazon 😂

jbm16 · 21/10/2025 23:33

I'm not sure I see the problem, if other children are at nursery/school then surely there is enough time for you both to schedule a couple of hours few times a week to devote to your own well being? Just need to make sure it's equal and you both get the time to do what you want.

Irenesortof · 21/10/2025 23:35

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 23:31

what is it that make you "despair"? he's not planning a 6 months trek across the amazon 😂

Show quote history

The idea that he'll be at such a loose end that he needs to train for a marathon makes me despair. What's wrong with waiting to see how things go before deciding he needs a project.

jbm16 · 21/10/2025 23:39

Namechangelikeits1999 · 21/10/2025 16:46

Seems like many people on here had easy, healthy babies and are speaking from that viewpoint.
I couldn't sit, eat, wee, sleep, or clean during my first mat leave as my baby was so unbelievably fussy (now diagnosed with various things). I certainly didn't have the time or energy to be bored or start projects.

Sorry you had it so tough, if your DH was there for first 6 months sure it would have allowed you some time out for your own well being, as long as he's supporting for the rest of the time and they both get a couple of hours to themselves a few times a week surely that has to be beneficial, especially if they had difficulties like you.

saraclara · 21/10/2025 23:41

Irenesortof · 21/10/2025 23:25

I mean, yes, you should both have some time to exercise and socialise and rest during parental leave, it's the idea that he'll be 'bored' and needs something interesting to focus on during the first months of his baby's life that is infuriating. Can't he focus on you and the baby?

Any number of mothers post to say that they found being home with their babies, boring. And they zip back to work as soon as they're able. And m they would have been twice as busy with a baby than OP and her husband will individually be.

Two adults sitting focusing on their baby ever waking minute of the day is not going to happen, and nor would it be desirable. There's plenty of space for either of them to run, go to the gym, learn an instrument or whatever floats their boat.

LameBorzoi · 22/10/2025 05:37

Irenesortof · 21/10/2025 23:35

The idea that he'll be at such a loose end that he needs to train for a marathon makes me despair. What's wrong with waiting to see how things go before deciding he needs a project.

Show quote history

Some people just need a project.

Anycrispsleft · 22/10/2025 05:44

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/10/2025 10:06

Could you point out to him that mothers going on maternity leave aren't asked what they are going to do with 'all this spare time' and whether they are going to start a project, because their 'project' is the baby and to assume it should be different for men is sexism of the highest calibre?

I mean I had (childless male) colleagues who asked me that. My boss at the time, a wee eastend hard man who had three kids, would be like "don't ask her stupid questions, she'll be busy enough with the baby"

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/10/2025 06:42

Moonboots123 · 21/10/2025 10:37

Absolutely cannot for the life of me understand why this man is getting flamed so badly here. How much training do you all think goes into running a half marathon?! Minimal. Let the man take an hour to himself every day for a run. He’s taking six months off work to help out FFS. My partner took three days off after our first was born. And still played football twice a week. Guess what, I coped and didn’t resent him in the slightest for it.

Look at this man's history!!

RubySquid · 22/10/2025 06:56

Irenesortof · 21/10/2025 23:25

I mean, yes, you should both have some time to exercise and socialise and rest during parental leave, it's the idea that he'll be 'bored' and needs something interesting to focus on during the first months of his baby's life that is infuriating. Can't he focus on you and the baby?

Why wouldn't he be bored? I was bored rigid on ML and about 5.5 months was the maximum I was off with one of mine( redundancy and moved areas)

Thatstheheatingon · 22/10/2025 07:04

You were off for the most boring time though - they get a lot more interesting after 6 months!

saraclara · 22/10/2025 07:08

Thatstheheatingon · 22/10/2025 07:04

You were off for the most boring time though - they get a lot more interesting after 6 months!

And so will OP's husband be.

Shedmistress · 22/10/2025 07:11

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:27

Yes I do take this point... I want us both to make the most of it, I think I'm just worried about a specific goal or project taking over too much (especially because I had such a crap time when my older two were born)

Show quote history

I'd sit down with him and tell him that you had such a crap time with your first two maternity leaves that you will be insisting that his 'pet project' is going to be 'Eastenders drum roll' HIS FAMILY.

Pricelessadvice · 22/10/2025 07:12

What are two of you going to do at home all day with a newborn? Surely having him off for 6 months aswell means you BOTH can pursue something else that you like. He can look after baby while you go out for an hour or two and enjoy whatever it is you like and vice versa. It’s an ideal situation for you both to enjoy time together aswell as getting a bit of your own time, surely?

Thatstheheatingon · 22/10/2025 07:16

saraclara · 22/10/2025 07:08

And so will OP's husband be.

Show quote history

Good point - though the OP has done this twice already on her own so it will be nice for it to be someone else's main concern!
It's a great opportunity for them both to get more free time than an average carer of a newborn gets. However we all know how (some) men get with a "project" that becomes all-consuming for them. I think that's what the OP is worried about, and since she's had PND before I see no harm in her needs taking the priority this time.

Paaseitjes · 22/10/2025 07:39

Would it be possible to negotiate that he can use it to work 0.5 for the first year? Where I am that's normal and it's brilliant. Unless you go on a round the world trip, sitting at home watching the baby for 6 months isn't that exciting for anyone. Partners aren't normally welcome at mothers coffee mornings and ask their friends are at work so it's really lonely. 3 days a week in the office keeps the career and brain ticking over whilst still giving plenty of time to give you a break AND go for a run. BTW, I started training for a marathon on maternity leave, I was so bored

Coldsoup · 22/10/2025 08:21

Paaseitjes · 22/10/2025 07:39

Would it be possible to negotiate that he can use it to work 0.5 for the first year? Where I am that's normal and it's brilliant. Unless you go on a round the world trip, sitting at home watching the baby for 6 months isn't that exciting for anyone. Partners aren't normally welcome at mothers coffee mornings and ask their friends are at work so it's really lonely. 3 days a week in the office keeps the career and brain ticking over whilst still giving plenty of time to give you a break AND go for a run. BTW, I started training for a marathon on maternity leave, I was so bored

That would make a lot more sense wouldn't it.

And yes, I will never forget a health visitor asking me to leave the room where we were having a mum and baby group at sure start, because me breastfeeding my 3 week old was making some of the paternity leave dads uncomfortable. (Their wives were also breastfeeding albeit not at that moment)

RubySquid · 22/10/2025 11:31

Thatstheheatingon · 22/10/2025 07:04

You were off for the most boring time though - they get a lot more interesting after 6 months!

Was that aimed at me? If so thee was no option to be off any longer. With my first 2 it was16 weeks ML and 3rd I was self employed so couldn't live on fresh air

ThisGentleRaven · 22/10/2025 12:15

Paaseitjes · 22/10/2025 07:39

Would it be possible to negotiate that he can use it to work 0.5 for the first year? Where I am that's normal and it's brilliant. Unless you go on a round the world trip, sitting at home watching the baby for 6 months isn't that exciting for anyone. Partners aren't normally welcome at mothers coffee mornings and ask their friends are at work so it's really lonely. 3 days a week in the office keeps the career and brain ticking over whilst still giving plenty of time to give you a break AND go for a run. BTW, I started training for a marathon on maternity leave, I was so bored

not sure why being on leave has to mean "sitting at home watching the baby for 6 months" 😂 who does that!

Partners aren't normally welcome at mothers coffee mornings
that is true, and it gets worst and worst. Why women object to dads going to kids groups is beyond me - I am not talking about breast-feeding groups, but the women who try to get rid of men - then moaned the men are not interested and helpful

and ask their friends are at work so it's really lonely
first it's possible to keep occupied without your friends for a few hours - especially as a couple, how is that lonely, and friends can be available randomly anyway.

3 days a week in the office keeps the career and brain ticking over
you need a job to keep your "brain ticking"? how sad.

You sound like you are having a very boring life, it's not the reality for most people.

Paaseitjes · 22/10/2025 12:24

ThisGentleRaven · 22/10/2025 12:15

not sure why being on leave has to mean "sitting at home watching the baby for 6 months" 😂 who does that!

Partners aren't normally welcome at mothers coffee mornings
that is true, and it gets worst and worst. Why women object to dads going to kids groups is beyond me - I am not talking about breast-feeding groups, but the women who try to get rid of men - then moaned the men are not interested and helpful

and ask their friends are at work so it's really lonely
first it's possible to keep occupied without your friends for a few hours - especially as a couple, how is that lonely, and friends can be available randomly anyway.

3 days a week in the office keeps the career and brain ticking over
you need a job to keep your "brain ticking"? how sad.

You sound like you are having a very boring life, it's not the reality for most people.

Show quote history

Wow, you're rude! I have a job I love and was glad to go back to it. It would be different if you're in a boring job with dull colleagues. I love the baby, and I like having DH around, but we all need space from each other. What you can do with a 6 month old is pretty limited and the constant attention required by a baby really limits what you can do intellectually and restricts access to adult company. I would actually say you're the boring one if baby & DH completely meet your emotional and intellectual needs, and you both need new jobs!

ThisGentleRaven · 22/10/2025 12:50

Paaseitjes · 22/10/2025 12:24

Wow, you're rude! I have a job I love and was glad to go back to it. It would be different if you're in a boring job with dull colleagues. I love the baby, and I like having DH around, but we all need space from each other. What you can do with a 6 month old is pretty limited and the constant attention required by a baby really limits what you can do intellectually and restricts access to adult company. I would actually say you're the boring one if baby & DH completely meet your emotional and intellectual needs, and you both need new jobs!

Edited
Show quote history

If you can't comprehend that being on leave with a baby does NOT mean being stuck at home doing nothing but changing nappies and you are limited intellectually and restricted, you are the one with a very boring and limited mind 😂

maybe YOU were in that position, but as soon as we are physically recovered from the birth, babies are the most portable and you have the most freedom to do most things at that age!

Yes, you have a child, life is different, but it's when they are babies and easy that you can still do the most, and meet the most people.

I don't envy your life for a minute, it sounds.. boring (using your words)

f baby & DH completely meet your emotional and intellectual needs
😂😂says the poster who can only think about going back to a job and can't think of anything else to do. I love MN.

OneAmberFinch · 22/10/2025 13:01

ThisGentleRaven · 22/10/2025 12:50

If you can't comprehend that being on leave with a baby does NOT mean being stuck at home doing nothing but changing nappies and you are limited intellectually and restricted, you are the one with a very boring and limited mind 😂

maybe YOU were in that position, but as soon as we are physically recovered from the birth, babies are the most portable and you have the most freedom to do most things at that age!

Yes, you have a child, life is different, but it's when they are babies and easy that you can still do the most, and meet the most people.

I don't envy your life for a minute, it sounds.. boring (using your words)

f baby & DH completely meet your emotional and intellectual needs
😂😂says the poster who can only think about going back to a job and can't think of anything else to do. I love MN.

Show quote history

Yes! I made so much progress on hobby projects (including "emotionally and intellectually satisfying" ones) during mat leave - I find my job interesting but loads of things in life are interesting and I don't need a job to entertain me!

Yes there are dull bits of mat leave but there are dull bits of jobs too.

Deathinvegas · 22/10/2025 14:38

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 10:02

For our first two DC, DH got the standard 2 weeks paternity leave. He was working ridiculous hours, sometimes 90-100 hour weeks, and regularly went 12 days without a day off. We had no family nearby. Surprise surprise I found it very difficult as a new mother, had PND and was incredibly lonely. On top of this, COVID happened when DC1 was young (DH worked throughout) and all in all it was a really difficult time for both of us.

(The background is relevant as I think it helps explain my strength of feeling about this.)

Anyway- We are expecting DC3 early next year. This time DH is in a new job and gets 6 months paternity leave. Firstly, I realise how incredibly fortunate we are and I am very excited to experience the newborn stage in hopefully a much more positive way.

However, already a few comments have been made to him by (male) friends along the lines of "how are you planning to fill your time?" "Won't you get bored?" Etc etc. Last week a friend told him "you definitely need a project to focus on". We spoke about it afterwards and I said I think we'll have more than enough with our joint project of caring for a newborn, looking after two older DC and supporting each other. We have several trips planned too. DH did agree, but also casually mentioned he was considered signing up for a marathon/half marathon (or similar sporting event) and trying to get a PB.

Now - before I get the usual flaming for daring to suggest my DH should prioritise family over personal hobbies, I fully hope and expect that we will BOTH have time to do plenty of things for ourselves (1 DC is in school, the other is in preschool part time). I expect he'll be able to spend a good deal of time on hobbies, and obviously I want us both to have a really enjoyable time and make the most of it. We won't want to be in each others pockets 24/7, and I anticipate there'll be lots of time when I'm seeing friends and family and he can do what he chooses.

However, I really feel uneasy about him having a 'project' like a big sporting event to focus on. He is very focused and driven about this type of thing. Knowing him, he would expend a lot of physical and mental energy on it and be quite preoccupied with it, when in my view we should both be focusing for this period on our family. We also have quite a bit of DIY stuff to do around the house. The more time we can each fit in for our own stuff (exercising/hobbies/seeing friends) the better, but I think if he has a specific "project" it's bound to create resentment, particularly given the history of my past experience.

AIBU

I also think it's so typical of (some) men to be suggesting he'll be bored/need something to focus on etc etc - does anyone suggest that to a women about to start
maternity leave?

I think you both need to agree on a realistic time limit, no exceptions, if he reaches his goal in that time limit great if he doesn’t hopefully his physical & metal health will still have benefited from the training.

GoldPoster · 22/10/2025 19:09

bobandbrenda · 21/10/2025 16:50

Everyone's different I guess. I'm not worried about filling the time. The school day is only 6 hours long when you factor in the school run. I enjoy pottering around the house (and to be fair so does DH). Easily filled with cooking /baking /gardening/cleaning/dog walk /nice lunch/trips to see family and friends/ exercising/DIY jobs. That's forgetting all the newborn-related tasks.

Show quote history

I want to die 😂