To feel like a very inadequate mother after reading this?

[Rainallnight]

I’ve just finished reading a novel (In Memoriam, by Alice Winn) and she says this about her mother in the acknowledgements.

I don’t know why it’s affected me so much but it’s making me feel like I’m not trying hard enough.

But then DD and DS have additional needs and it’s quite tricky sometimes to get the basics done.

It’ll probably take a while for the image to load.

Most likely your kids won’t amount to anything much so your shortfalls as a mother will never have a spotlight shone on them. 😂

We are very fortunate now, as parents, that we have so many resources on the Internet, for free. And what was available to this author by virtue of her birth is now available to so many parents if they wish to follow suit, even a little bit. History, language courses, maths, physics (really anything that does not require equipment/physical effort). The problem is (at least for me) is that by the time you return home from your job, you barely manage to do the basics, even if your husband fully helps. Don't know how to solve that though.

Is it 'Lab Girl?'

If so, I don't think she enjoyed her childhood much.

My mum got me into reading crime novels at a very young age and I still love them. Mum’s do what mum’s do and we love them for it. And your dc will love you too for more reasons than you will ever know. Or even realise.
ps. Wasn’t it the most brilliant book though!

God! Imagine having to do Greek Mythology, Chinese History and the Lives of Kings... What a bore!

I'm so glad my mother passions were cooking & the cocktail hour. Very French!

Whereas Ed Gein (I've just been reading about him), his mother created a monster! Religious mania and that all women were whores.

I surprised my daughter with a visit to the Jellycat patisserie. I hope she mentions that in her memoir.

More fool you. Do you get so bothered about other people’s situations which could be completely different to yours. I can’t imagine why a grown woman would compare herself to someone who clearly doesn’t know Op exists.

I read that book last year when I was about 4 days post partum and bf a lot. I loved it.

i do like the tribute to her mum. I think it’s beautiful.

This has reminded me (kinda) of a friend and I sharing a video of our Christmas mornings.

Hers: imagine an idyllic, civilised scene. One DS playing the piano. Classical. Serene. Everyone dressed in Sunday best. Dad and other DC reading hardbacks in a pristine living room - nay, parlour. Not a bit wrapping paper in sight.

Cut to mine: All of us taking turns to rummage in the wheelie bin in our jammies, laughing and swearing at the buck eejitry of DS who had thrown his Christmas money out with the wrapping paper and rubbish. 😂

I know what Christmas I preferred and she knows what one was right for her. Enjoy your wee family for what it is. Don't compare yourself to others. The fact that you care enough to care about this shows you're a great parent.

As for parenting, most days I just aim for the basic principle: Do no harm. 😊

See, that's the kind of shit that matters.

I'll put you in my memoir.

I dont think it matters what you bond over, as long as the child gets enjoyment from it.

It was always books for me. Not necessarily classics, my mum read me all kinds of stuff but I always loved stories and fiction and my mum enjoyed reading them to me.

When I was a little older, it became the theatre and museums. I still enjoy doing those things with my mum now when we have the chance.

Nah, each to their own. I feel disappointed at times with my lack of intellectual impact on my kids. They see their dad as a genius, and he has taught them loads, they look up to him intellectually etc.

In my case, despite being arguably cleverer and definitely more educated, I fear that they see me as a bumbling, creative type who is a failure at life. But I know they still love me to bits. And thats what matters to me.

There's a great saying about kids learning from what you do, rather than what you say. I've tried to teach them good values and how to be happy, rather than information. I'll settle for that.

Yes completely concur with you
Beautifully brilliant comment
💚🤗💚

Why, thank you.

I love this:
"Love them with all your love."
I can't provide my 2 DC with what most of mumsnet seems to be able to provide to their DC.
I can't provide them with a big house. Or big bedrooms. Or wonderful kitchen extensions. I can't provide them with an SUV to be driven around in. I can't take them on foreign holidays overseas, the ones with turquoise seas that they see advertised by Tui on TV that all their friends go on. I will never have savings to hand over to them. I try so hard to save but my NHS nurse wages that were frozen for 10 years whilst COL soared astronomically stopped me from saving and has hit me hard and painfully. I will never be able to financially assist my DC on to the property ladder. I won't be able to buy them their first car.
I feel down about these things a lot, and it makes me feel a failure as a parent.
But what I can do is..... I can love them.
And boy do I love them with all my love.
I love them with all my love every minute of every single day.
And I will do this forever.
So thank you for saying this. Because it's just what I needed to hear this evening.

Did she have servants to do the housework?

I've just read my 12 yos autobiography that he had to write for school. He hasn't mentioned me once in it. He's mentioned DH and his grandparents and his brother, but I apparently don't exist.

You can provide your children with all the material things they could ever want or need, and if they don't feel secure in your love and cherished as individuals, what have they got? Having that security is priceless, what child can be the best they could be if they don't feel worthy of a parent's love? It is utterly shit feeling that you're just not good enough or unloveable. Teach your children that they have value, their thoughts and opinions matter as much as anybody's, that you will always love and appreciate them.

All the trappings of modern life is just so much flimflam. All anybody needs to succeed is to genuinely feel valued, appreciated, accepted.

The number of mothers who would be willing to do this is larger than the number of children who would be willing to engage with it. I tried REALLY hard to get my stepdaughter into myths, legends and classic literature and she had zero interest...now she devours Percy Jackson novels. 😂DD is more receptive but she's 5, so she's mostly a captive audience.

"Guided me through her enormous library if literature" or whatever that quote was. She basically had her kid get involved in what's clearly her passionate hobby. I could bang on about my hobbies for days and happily sit like a pig in shit as they say doing said hobbies with my kids. Teach them all I know. Hell, partner and I basically do this. My kids are "advanced" in a handful of areas because they're our strong points.
Hardly great parenting, kid was guided into it, did kid even get a chance to experience other things?
An amazing mum is sitting through stuff they really don't give a donkeys about and acting impressed 😂 and trying to be interested and learn about what their kids like. Hats off to those mums!

Those are not what matters at all and not what a mother's for. Teach them to love, to be a good friend, a great person. Resilience to cope with whatever life throws at you. How to problem solve. To look after their physical and mental health. Basically how to live and have a good life.

Well my worry is I've been able to do that with one the other definatly does not want to know and is not interested

Good grief, the mother here sounds like the parents in the ad featured in a thread earlier today, for a private tutor. Why on earth does any child need to know about Chinese history? Or Greek mythology?!

No need to feel inadequate @Rainallnight Very few parents teach their children this, and go through an 'entire library of literature' with their children. Some parents don't have the time, as they actually have to work, look after other children, and look after elderly relatives!

As some posters have said, all of the things this mother did, does not mean she's a better mother than others who don't do it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5431431-to-think-this-dream-job-is-just-sad?page=1

HERE is the ad posted on that thread...

https://www.tes.com/jobs/vacancy/private-tutor-london-england-oxfordshire-2256768

It's a beautiful heartfelt sentiment to her mother who invested her love in a way she knew how to. But as long as you love and show how much you care and nurture. Why feel inadequate? I read lovely books to my child (I think!) we play, paint, walk our dog, argue, laugh, sulk, cook, eat, complain, snooze. I wouldn't want to be compared to other mums.

I like your style.