To feel like a very inadequate mother after reading this?

[Rainallnight]

I’ve just finished reading a novel (In Memoriam, by Alice Winn) and she says this about her mother in the acknowledgements.

I don’t know why it’s affected me so much but it’s making me feel like I’m not trying hard enough.

But then DD and DS have additional needs and it’s quite tricky sometimes to get the basics done.

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Honestly OP why should you feel inadequate?
If you are providing your DDs with a loving, caring home then you are being the best mother they could ever want.

Fwiw my mother taught me damn all. Not even basic hygiene I'm ashamed to say. And there wasn't much love or caring either.

That’s a very personal and particular list. When your children are grown up they’ll have their own equivalent lists of the things you did that were particular to you- maybe it won’t be Chinese history, but I don’t think she’s trying to make the point that a good mother is one who teaches her children Chinese history, but rather that a mother passes on her own particular loves and interests, and all of this is completely compatible with also spending 95% of the time saying “put your shoes on” a hundred times a day and burning the fishfingers, which is just the normal stuff of life and which Alice Win ‘s mother will also have done.

Everyone is different. Maybe the same mother was also overly intellectualising and didn't give warm hugs and loving support. We all get the mother we get, and as long as you are a good enough mother that's enough. Do you have a tendency to compare yourself unfavourably to others?

OP, I think nearly all parents do their very best for their children - there will be times when you get it wrong: we all do, but you don’t have to teach your children mandarin and Suzuki method violin to be a good mother! Acknowledgements in a book are very artificial - the author is hardly likely to write “..and then there was that time you lost it and shouted at us, and we had to have toast for dinner” or whatever!

This is not what makes you a good mother. She might have taught her kids all these things but was she kind and supportive and loving? There are more important things. Also coming from a fellow SEND parent so I get the struggle just make sure they are adequately fed and clothed!

I read Greek and Norse mythology to my children at bedtime because they are great bedtime stories and my parents would read this to me when I was a child so I had fond memories. I think it it’s important to introduce your children to art and history. It’s also not very difficult as it’s really accessible and free.

You’ve had great advice from PP. All I can add is love your DC and I’m sure they love you.

There’s good parenting (making sure that they’re fed, loved, clothed, educated etc) and then there’s the extra individual touch.

Some mums are great listeners, some have great boundaries, some throw great parties or read stories with all the voices, some are powerful role models, etc etc

But we are inclined to assume that everyone is doing basic+ our special bit+ all the other special bits and then feel completely inadequate. They’re not, the mum who is a history buff was probably feeling bad about something else.

(and she may well have had another dc who hated the tangents and just wanted her to read the damn story!)

And then when you add in the fact that with nd dc you’re working so hard to not quite get the basics done. I have one I cannot feed properly (arfid), clothe (he wants to wear clothes until they fall apart), educate (school has destroyed his thirst for knowledge) and he struggles to accept affection. It may not help to say we discuss history, sociology and politics at great length but I’d much rather if he’d let me give him hugs.

To me that actually lacks warmth
but of course the person still could feel all those feelings like
love joy warmth fun caring
but just didn’t say them

it’s actually comes over to me as just practical and she taught her what she enjjoyed which is fair enough

but as long as you love your kids they’ll be grand

That book though...stayed with me for a long time.

Don’t worry, OP. Our house is packed to the rafters with quality (and classic) literature. My kid has zero interest in any of it and almost never even opens a book. Instead, we wrangle horses, go shopping for unsuitable clothes and spend a lot of time together on the sofa watching TV of dubious quality…but we are together and she is loved beyond measure. So that’s a win. Just do what is right for your children, not what other people do for theirs.

Whilst probably a good read, this book has been written with an historical lense by a modern author. In no way can they capture the true spirit of that age. Just enjoy it as a piece of fiction and imagine yourself in the situation. Beyond that, I feel it has little relevance. You would be much better to look at the world around you and show your children the wonders of the place they live in, the church, graveyard, town hall, birds, animals, trees, plants etc. This will give them a sense of their reality. If you must delve into anything historical, perhaps take them to a National Trust property or museum near you. All these things can be built into their everyday and relevant to their experiences. And, you will, as they say, be making memories.

I think this is important! She'd been taught from preschool age that academia was more important than family and that's what this passage reflects.

So much this. I came from a family like this in a town where everyone is academic. Academic success and having intellectual pursuits were the only thing anyone cared about. I was lectured endlessly about various things my dad thought I should find interesting and zero thought was given to my emotional wellbeing.

I know loads of people from similar backgrounds and a striking percentage of them went badly off the rails in their teens. I can’t prove this but I have always suspected it was a toxic combination of high academic families (many of whom have undiagnosed neurodiversity) and who can only communicate with others by talking about their “specialist subject”. These people are often absolutely hopeless, sometimes to the point of neglect, with their children’s emotional health, because they don’t have the tools to manage it.

Its honestly not a life I would wish on anyone. Learn about Greek mythology by all means if it interests you (and anyone can read about it), but its no substitute for a present, engaged and loving parent.

Do you know what I wished my mum was like?

I wish that she’d listened to me and taken an interest in what I was doing instead of behaving as if I didn’t exist.
I wish that she’d had been comforting when I was upset or ill instead of ignoring me.
I wish that she’d been affectionate instead of cold.
I wish that when she said something I knew that it was true instead of knowing that she lies out of convenience or to manipulate.
I wish that she told others how proud she was of me and about good memories of my childhood instead of telling them the most embarrassing and shaming things that she can remember or make up.
I wish that she didn’t spend time trying to get me to look after my adult younger sister who has a family and a job of her own.
I wish that I could have a rational, adult conversation with her about her future without her saying that she’ll just kill herself (she’s done that for years btw.)

So, learning Greek mythology etc is completely superfluous to being a good mother in my eyes.

This Op. I always felt inadequate next to the sculptor Barabara Hepworth. She had a small child from her first marriage and triplets with her second but she managed to carry on sculpting. Turned out that the triplet babies lived in a hospital that trained paediatric nurses and their parents ( Barbara and the artist Ben Nicholson ) visited them at weekends . Don't beat yourself up. We'd all paint a golden picture if we were putting our parenting in a book.

I totally empathise. DS has major AN and DD is looking more that way too. I have a PhD and looked forward to sharing the geeky things I liked at their ages.
But we are passing on really odd things I never would have thought of including lots of the music I liked at their age (or a bit older, they are young secondary ages) because I play it in the car and it's in kids' films. They both love a good run around in a National Trust garden and can be persuaded to look inside the house. DD has been to my orchestra rehearsals and can sing all the pieces though it's slow going teaching her the flute. Both DCs love cycling with me, a big part of my teenage and young adult years - I went bike hostelling with my DM aged 16 and can see us doing that too.

It's a personal account, OP. Written for maximum emotional impact.

My son could also wax lyrical about me teaching him about Greek mythology and the lives of the English Kings and Queens upon my death if he wished.

In reality, I read him Greek myths from an Usborne children's book as bedtime stories and we sat and watched Horrible Histories together and sang the songs together.

I also taught him how to slide down the stairs in a sleeping bag and many other equally/more/less important life skills 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good parenting is about all the skills and knowledge we pass on to our children. The love and the little things along the way. The silliness and the fun.

Not a tick list of historical facts.

This makes no sense. Why on earth would I aspire to teaching my child mythology or about the classics? I mean, if that's something they'r einterested in, sure, I'll encourage and support that, but I dont 'judge my parenting skills by how much they know about the Greek pantheon.

I will judge my parenting skills by whether I have successfully taught my children to be successful, competent adults. Are they respectful of other people? Do they understand the need to work hard? Do they have confidence in themselves and will they back themselves and their ideas and opinions when they need to? Will they make good partners, employers, employees and parents? Are they interested in more than just their immediate world and surroundings? Have they learnt about being healthy and enjoying life. Do they have hobbies and interests? And solid friendships.

But really, what it boils down to, are they broadly good people who are happy with themselves and their lives.

Arguably my parents did the same for me, by me going to boarding school aged 11, where I devoured the library and excelled academically. In reality, my grandmother paid for it because my father didn't believe in educating girls and was an emotionally stunted authoritarian. Only now he is dead am I building an adult relationship with my mum and finding out some of details of just how awful he was.

Meh, if my dd wants to learn about the classics or Chinese history, then she has the skills to educate herself.

When she looks back on her childhood, I hope that she will say that her mother made her feel safe and loved.

You are doing this is you are encouraging them to read.

My mum gave me Famous Five books which make me into an avid reader. I have since read Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, The Bronte's so yes - my mother guided me into classic literature.

I cannot get interested in Greek mythology!

Nah parents are there to feed, clothe and nurtured children. Show them right from wrong.
Leave the teaching to the teachers 🤣

My mum's bookshelf gave me an education in historical drama/romance and bonkbusters at a formative age which was far more interesting to me at the time than classic literature.

Probably those Judith Krantz and Barbara Taylor Bradford tomes made me feel more confident to tackle more literary books later.

I see it as part of a parents job to also educate your child in history, literature, arts. They don’t learn this at school. It doesn’t have to be contradictory to showing love, having fun.

There are far more interesting things in life to learn than the National Curriculum end of keystage objectives.