To feel like a very inadequate mother after reading this?

[Rainallnight]

I’ve just finished reading a novel (In Memoriam, by Alice Winn) and she says this about her mother in the acknowledgements.

I don’t know why it’s affected me so much but it’s making me feel like I’m not trying hard enough.

But then DD and DS have additional needs and it’s quite tricky sometimes to get the basics done.

It’ll probably take a while for the image to load.

My parents taught me that, no matter what, they have my back. They have loved me above all else. Despite bad decisions, selfishness when I was younger and the crap we all have to navigate on a daily basis, they have been there. And I know they always will be. If my children are ever wavering I ask them, “have I ever let you down?” And the answer is always no. That’s what I want for my children and will endeavour to do until the day i die.

you are not failing as a mother it’s embellished to make it sound grander then it is right now i speak to DS in mandarin and we have plenty of chinese baby books because my mother is from taiwan and i speak fluent mandarin he might grow up and one day write “my mother ensured i always felt connected to my culture and language” in reality i did what my mother did and just talked to him in mandarin like any parent does and maybe occasionally put on the tv in mandarin for him and watched pokemon in mandarin together

My parents couldn't have taught me all that as they didn't have the benefit of education after the age of 16 or 17. Though as I could read at three and was the first person in the family to go to university and have a higher professional career I guess they got plenty right.

I read to DDs from them being babies and took them to the Hay Festival, but neither became bookworms. DD1 is very academic and is doing well at university. She does actually read for pleasure now. DD2 is less academic and has overcome many challenges, and is doing well in a vocatonal course at college, and I'm immensely proud of both of them.

DD2 surprised me yesterday by coming home with an armful of books from a charity shop. One of her mates told her reading is great and she should try it. Who knew? 😅

To be fair I didn't read much myself between the ages of 12 and 16 other than what I had to read for school, then picked it up again off my own back at 16/17 (same age as DD2), got a list of "100 best novels" from the library and started working my way through them.

My parents (thankfully) never taught me about any of those things. What they did teach me was about family history, cooking and a lifetime of wonderful memories of a fantastic and loving childhood. You sound a brilliant mum OP ❤️

I felt this. This is true.

But she could have been terrible mother in other ways. That’s not the primary purpose of parenting - teaching them deeply about your own interests: I don’t have a library of classic literature, it’s not my thing. I’m doing my best to create a safe, stable, loving and encouraging home for my children.

There you go. That’s awful. I would hate for my kids to say the most stable part of childhood was various boarding schools. It doesn’t sound like her home had the basics in parenting right.

I'd buy the book with that as the acknowledgement! Any working title planned?

My dad inculcated me with loads of stuff about Greek mythology. I hated it so it went in one ear and out the other. It was and remains the one topic in history which I have zero interest in. Mainly because it was hammered into me at a child that I had to be interested in it.

Also because was a self important monologuer who had bo empathy and couldn’t understand that I was a different person from him.

As PPs have said, you can teach your kids about what interests you. But love, support and understanding are far more important.

I think this is important! She'd been taught from preschool age that academia was more important than family and that's what this passage reflects.

My mum died when I was 30 and when talking about her we all say she did a great job of knowing the 5 of us as individuals. Of nurturing our interests and trying to ensure, despite poverty, that we could each follow those interests.

She raised 5 children who ended up with degrees and professional careers but most importantly emotional intelligence and grit. She didn't teach me great literature or Chinese or whatever but if I wanted to learn it she found a way for me to access it.

The paragraph in the op is actually more telling of her mother's failings.

So did she hold them when they were scared? Or guide them through relationships or how to handle a bully? Did she act as their advocate for their special needs and fight daily to get them what they were entitled to and deserved?

there is no perfect. We hopefully do our best.

You’re doing a fine job. Everyone has they own lives, and takes their own route in life.

I get what you mean though. So many people, after serious illness run marathons, climb Mount Everest or motorcycle around the world. I missed out on this memo.

Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing fab, and comparison is the thief of joy.

I don't know anything about literature and poetry. I've taught my kids how to make cheese sauce, not be afraid of computers, how to sew on a button and all sorts of other stuff, and that's perfectly fine.

You don’t need to any of that stuff, you just need to love them OP ❤️

I think my daughter's acknowledgment would read "she taught me never to be dependent on a man because she reads threads on Mumsnet about people who were and they should leave the bastard"

Different times, that's all.

I haven't taught my ds any languages. I have however worked full time, paid a mortgage, taught him to read, write, add up, swim, cycle & ski, and cleaned, cooked and transported him everywhere for 17 years, without any help at all. I doubt she did any of those things.

I don't feel inadequate, just tired. 😁

OP, this made me smile a bit. Will the parent guilt never end? 😀

I read poetry to my toddler the other day, not because I think it will support his literary talents in the future, but because I read it in a funny voice and he laughs.

He could well go on to publish a book and say 'my dear mother left me with a profound love of the works of Yeats, Browning, and Wordsworth. For that I shall forever be grateful'.

Or he could mention the fact we were blowing raspberries straight after that and canonballing into cushions which he enjoyed infinitely more.

(Sorry quoted the wrong post and now can't remove it!)

My mum is an uneducated working class woman who was a teen mum and she spent hours with me teaching me to love reading and music and about wildlife and nature. She put so much into parenting me. I am forever grateful.

I didn’t need my parents to teach me anything like that, I needed them to love me, have fun with me, support me. They did all that and I’ve had such a solid footing in life

It sounds like she grew up in a very academic household but it's just like introducing your kids to things you love. I did this for my kids but it was more Trapdoor, Mr Benn and Malory Towers than classical literature.

My mum was wonderful and I have missed her every single day of the nearly 22 years since she died. I would give anything for another chat and a hug. She taught me absolutely nothing about classic literature. Honestly, OP. Put it out of your head.

FFS it's not pretentious to like classic literature. It's only pretentious if you're only doing it for effect. Some people do actually genuinely like it.

So you beleive everything you read in books that somone does for another person and ii you dont do everything you are wrong? That males no sense

You can do exactly what this mother did by buying or borrowing from the library a selection of decent children’s history books.

The trick is to talk to your children about our world in an age appropriate way. And not everyone has the same degree of knowledge, and that’s fine. Being a good mother is about being loving, warm and present with your children. Meeting their needs, helping them become independent and letting them know you’re always there.

Being a good mother is not dependent on teaching your children Chinese history.

I expected to give my kids insight and wisdom about literature and poetry, and that they would be enthralled beyond measure and become avid readers.

Then I met my kids 😅

I suspect she's gushing about what she taught her because there wasnt much to say about how she expressed love.

My mum for example, taught me loads about dance- the history of it, the different types, the emotion behind it and she took me to ballet lessons. You know what?- I despised it. I was laughably shit at ballet and I did not enjoy it. Being taught subjects are only cool if you are actually interested in them, otherwise it's just a parent forcing their own interests on their child, which is selfish.

Thankfully mum relented but honestly, it put me right off dance for a long time and actually I found that I am great at salsa!

All I am saying is- being taught random subjects does not make one a great parent. What does is feeling unconditionally loved, supported, and secure. If you have that, you have hit the parenting jackpot.