DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

You don’t sound very sex positive. Do you know what it means?

Yes I do. My concern is that the “consent” isn’t necessarily there, as he was taking advantage

He sounds horrible.

It's not his past sex life that you're disgusted with it's the fact that he's a raging misogynist and how he speaks and thinks about women.

Someone could have had hundreds of sexual partners/kinks/unconventional relationships and it wouldn't matter if they were decent human beings.

Unfortunately your husband doesn't sound like he falls into the 'decent' category.

If a friend came to you with this story, OP, what would you say?

He sounds gross. The way he talks about the mother of his child is vile.

feels like a reverse this.

I can see why you feel the way you do. Even him saying all of this to you is really worrying. I mean is he trying to get you to validate his perspective and behaviour. He still doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

reverse how?

Your mixing up sex positive with being a misogynistic pig. There's a difference between a lot of sex and fun, respectful exploring of sex.

"Obviously it’s all in his past"

"He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage."

Yes, a perfect gentleman always discusses his ex with his wife and uses language such as 'tramp or ugly or slut.'

I'm speechless that you could consider him as anything other than a piece of misogynistic shit to be honest.

This is not because he has sex with several women, this is because he appears to have taken advantage of women and has treated them/speaks of them terribly. He’s dishonest and disrespectful.

I only got as far as you saying he calls the mother of his child ugly/a slut/a tramp to make me wonder what you ever saw in him.

I don’t think I could get past that alone OP never mind the rest of it. The second point maybe sounds like he was being taken advantage of if he didn’t have anywhere to live, and some of them are possibly overthinking it I.e there’s nothing to suggest his friend who is a lesbian didn’t give informed consent.

But his attitude towards women is vile.

Tbh you don’t sound very nice either judging the woman’s looks in the cafe.

His past sex life wouldn’t bother me, but his attitude to women would. Are you sure that isn’t what is disgusting you? Because his attitude is disgusting and if he couldn’t see that, then I would worry that nothing had really changed inside his head.

It's not fair to hold his past against him which I'm sure you realize. Individual counseling sounds like a great idea.

This

Being sex positive doesn't mean you have to be positive about your husband being a misogynistic, using, woman hating piece of shit lmao

I would find this very off putting OP. Especially the bit about calling the mother of his child a slut.

It's not his past sex life that you're disgusted with it's the fact that he's a raging misogynist and how he speaks and thinks about women.

The way the op describes the woman she suspects he slept with suggests that they might have this in common ...

The way he speaks about his child's mother would bother me more than anything else. Feel sorry for her having a child with him.

I don’t think the problem is his past sex life, it’s that the fact he talks about women that way. I’d be running for the hills

It's not his past though is it? He's actively and presently calling the mother of his child a slut. And you're defending him.

It’s getting to the point where I am doubting if I even love him. Posters suggesting the misogynist part are probably right. I also don’t understand why he needed to tell me.

A lot of it I can ignore but the talking about the mother of his child in derogatory terms is not one of them. So not ok on many levels.