DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

You, his daughter and his daughter’s mother ALL deserve so much better than this embarrassment of a man.

He's a misogynistic piece of shit who refers to women by their looks (he'd never call men ugly) and sees women as just 'sluts' and calls them sluts. Just how low is your self esteem to be with such a vile pig? The first time I heard him call a woman a slut - EVER, he would be out the door.

There’s a strange dynamic here. He is clearly a misogynist and has no respect for the women who were in his life previously yet he treats you well. Some kind of Madonna complex?

Viz sugar mamas, that would put me right off but in fairness, they were both taking advantage of each other.

Are you a man? If it's under false pretences it's not really mutual. If the women knew how he really felt ( ugly, gross, cocklodging) would they consent?

From the post he is maybe just grateful not to have to pay for sex any more because he gets it free.

I agree with this. HE is not sex positive.

No. She is accusing him of not being honest in all matters with his sexual partners. The definition of 'rape by deception' is at present limited to specific circumstances. These would not include pretending to find a woman attractive or pretending to want a relationship rather than a ONS. For one thing, how could these things ever be proved? To try to push the OP into naming him a rapist looks to me to be a tactic to get the OP to reflect, think, oh no, he's not that, and thereby decide what he did is OK. She doesn't consider him a rapist, but she does consider him exploitative.

Women can consent to casual sex with selfish horrible men. Which it sounds like he was/is, calling the mother of his child a slut is horrific 😳

Oh wow, so he's effectively a rapist or coerced them? Thats not how im reading what youve said but if that is your perspective, your relationship wont last much longer.

Is he quite a bit older than you? I’ve noticed these men with the Madonna/whore complex tend to marry much younger women.

I think my ovaries would dry up and my fanjo clamp shut rather than allow a misogynist pig like this to lay another finger on me.

Sorry, OP but I think it's terminal icksville.

you sound like a person who moves into a house next to a church and start complaining about the church bells

No I am not a man. Agree that if he does hold these views it is pretty gross and disgusting on his part.
I guess OP needs to figure out his true views of women, are they the same as when he was younger? I think his younger self sounds like a pretty sad and bitter individual really.

He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage.

A gentleman?! Oh OP. I feel like you have a SERIOUSLY low bar set for what a decent man is.

Lots of people are idiots when they start out in regards to sexual activity. Lots reassess, mellow and change as they mature.

My DH had a very colourful past life but then again so did I. But he never spoke of past lovers with anything but kindness. He hadn't a misogynist bone in his body.

Your partner, OTOH, is a pig and I would drop him like a stone. How do you think he'll speak of you to the next lucky lady?

Doesn't sound like this man has, though.

What's interesting to me about all this is why did the husband want to talk about his past in such detail? Some people who 'confess' to stuff they've done know the listener will find it difficult to hear, but say it anyway. He's either totally selfish or a bragging moron.

His past sex life isn't the problem, it's his lack of respect for women, which is demonstrated by his actions. He may have changed but you need to properly assess that as it would be unusual to change so much for the better when he was a misogynist before you met.

That’s a big claim.

Not consenting to sex and having sex with someone that you hope turns into a relationship are two very different things!

It sounds to me like he was sleeping around a bit , maybe he was sleeping with people who would have liked more but as long as he wasn’t promising them relationships then he’s done nothing wrong. Even if he was in a relationship with someone who was more into it than him that does not mean the sex was not consensual.

Many people have sex with someone they don’t see as ‘ relationship material ‘ that doesn’t mean that they are taking advantage ( like you describe the mother of his child ) - doesn’t mean the sex is not consensual.

Many people regret sleeping with certain people ( the fact he denied having slept with a woman you saw ) - doesn’t mean the sex was non consensual.

Sleeping with women and being a step dad so they have somewhere to stay - that’s horrible. But , you’re putting all the blame on him, what about the women inviting someone into their home and around their children like that?

Sounds like he was a bit of a player . Not unusual. He treated you with respect , that’s what you should be focused on. His past is his business , as long as he hasn’t abused women.

My husband had a similar past , I know he’s slept with god knows how many people , but he treats me with love and respect.

I have also had casual sex in the past, I’ve slept with men I know wanted more than I did and I’ve also slept with men who I liked more than they liked me and I hoped something more came of it . I do not feel that I took advantage of them nor them me as we all wanted it at the time.

I would sit back and think about how you actually feel about your partner because it sounds like you have a very negative view of him .

I think the issue is it sounds like you (rather like me fwiw) are not flattered by the idea of being considered 'girlfriend material' by a man who thinks this way.

That is entirely fair enough and actually has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with interpersonal attitudes.

I would be terrified of having daughters with a man like this, and even more terrified of having sons with them.

You dont have to tie yourself in knots trying to decide if its justified to have gone right off him.

1. Its definitely justified.
2. You can leave him for whatever reason.

I think he sounds gross the way he talks about women, and clearly things dont add up. I agree he takes advantage of people, especially women. Id also be reevaluating whether thats the person i want to grow old with.

He sounds like a piece of shit who doesn't like or respect women. He might not do this stuff any more, but he still speaks very disrespectfully about women, including the mother of his child.

What is he getting from his marraige to you op , If you split what will he say about you?