DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

He called his ex that one night drunk at another wedding - I broke up with him for 4 weeks over that. He apologised and has not said those things again. But has referred to her as “classless” and calls her a drain on his life.

Me thinks the man doth protest too much.

He’s fucked up in the head to put it bluntly. There’s obviously something about these women he liked very much- sexually. But then the utter contempt he holds for them because they’ve gone there with him is indicative of a man with deep rooted issues. Reading about him reminds me of a mutual friend I used to knock about with socially back in the day. Massive man whore- fair play- but then he seemed to hate women. He had slept with probably hundreds but then judge them for being one of the number even though some of them he would have to chase for quite a while to get what he wanted. Then…disgust. Maybe he hates himself and he can’t believe they would ‘stoop so low’ as to shag him?? Anyway, getting to the root of his misogyny isn’t really your job. You know it’s there, and that’s enough to know. I feel for you. You must feel duped.

Eh?

He's the slut, can you not see that?

Yeah…I mean as long as he doesn’t say that in front of his daughter…

No it isn’t good but they weren’t in a relationship and it was one night so…again, not great…but the same goes for women as for men not being granted wonderful human beings just because they fathered someone.

Different values between the two of you are being highlighted by his previous behaviours. I’d query compatibility too.

It's ok if he calls the mother of his child a slut etc to his wife, as long as it's not in front of the child?

Are you sure?

I definitely think of some of my exes as worse, can’t lie.

Reread my post.

Narcissistic male
Run away
Your intuition is right

Oh, also..he is telling you about them to make you jealous. It’s a technique called triangulation. Classic narcissist, get out of there before he switches it up on you (devalue coming)

When someone shows you who they really are-believe them.

His attitude to women sounds deeply entrenched and interwoven into his personality. These views of his were not condensed into one sitting, they are casually dropped into conversation as if passing comment on the weather, or discussing plans for the weekend. You are not going to change that. Nor is it your job to.

I wonder if there is a sense of fear if you challenge his views he will turn these on to you; are you framing this as being "sex positive" and subtly adopting some of the type of his language to describe these apparently "lesser" women? (Coffee shop woman).

Whether you see it or not, over time his hatred for women absolutely will erode your sense of self, self worth and self esteem until you have nothing left to leave. Don't do it to yourself, and as you don't mention children together-if you don't already have children together, don't start now.

Demand better for yourself and leave.

@elefanty

Totally get the turn off, OP! Ick indeed!

I’m guessing it’s not like he’s remorseful, he’s admitted depression at some points, has he turned a new leaf? How is he towards his daughter and in front of her about the mum?

I’d be watching him and his actions, especially the small ones, very closely and be working out a back up plan if I’m honest….

Sorry OP.

I am deeply, deeply sex positive and these things would bother me because they're not about sex, they're about his attitude towards women. Good sex positive men respect women they've slept with.

Hatred of women as women seems to be an aspect of sex positivity, IMO.

Hmm...I think I know what you mean. Do you mean that sex positivity often only means liking women who fulfil male fantasy wishes like anal sex, threesomes, porn etc?

I feel most sorry for his child. This is a father…

Yes, I agree with that. Sex positivity appears to me to be women agreeing to anything that men want. This is why it goes hand in hand with accepting pornography and seeing sex work as work.