DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

It does sort of sound like the classic Madonna and the whore. So women are either chaste paragons of virtue and should be treated with respect or whores thst can be treated horribly.

The problem is invariably at some point you cross between the two, due to something real or imagined and then he will feel justified in treating you like shit.

stop worrying about judging him and start judging your self so that you'll leave. It's not normal for him to talk this way let alone to keep telling you about it. I wonder what he is laying the groundwork for?

Yes i agree.

I'm struggling to see how, if OP was in a relationship with him for 3 years before they married, she didn't know what his attitude to women was like. Presumably he was talking about the mother of his child in disparaging terms right from when OP first knew him.

It's hard to believe he just started to talk about his previous sex life after they were married as he obviously doesnt feel any embarrassment or regret about it.

Not everyone is comfortable in labeling all sex that doesn't involve complete and full honesty as rape. To force this definition, you are in effect creating a binary whereby the man is either 'a rapist' or innocent of wrong doing. Many people believe there is exploitative and abusive sexual behaviours that doesn't meet the bar for rape, and probably not for even a lesser criminal term, but are nevertheless wrong.

I don't really understand your last point, but if he has slept with prostitutes that would 100% upset me

The rest of it all sounds like consenting sex between adults to be fair, but the way he talks about the women afterwards isn't nice.

When he tells you this sort of awful stuff how do you react OP? Do you pretend it doesn’t bother you as you don’t want to be judgmental? If my DH said this sort of stuff to me I would be like wtaf and have it out with him. I think you’re confused about being ‘judgmental’. It’s one think being judgy if your DH told you he had hundreds of sexual partners before meeting you but was safe etc but this is a different level that needs judging!!!!!!

I don't think this is about your disgust about the sex he has had specifically, it's about the fact he doesn't seem to see women as people and that's reflected in the way he has treated them in the past (particularly around sex but not limited to that). And it's not even all in the past as he still speaks about other women this way (eg "He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut."). It would make me really struggle to trust him.

He is (I assume) nice to you now as far as you're aware but how much would it take for him to flip and use you or other women again as he doesn't seem rehabilitated, more that circumstances are now such that he doesn't "need" to pay women for sex or take advantage in the ways he has in the past.

This. Seems like you've grown up a bit and recognise this behaviour now. He is not the only man to do these things, which doesn't make it better.

One of my exes said fat women are always disgustingly grateful for sex, so if he was feeling angry at women he would "get one of those". Horrid but does show how they think of us.

Now you've seen behind the curtain it's up to you if you can deal with it. Or how you want to deal with it. Maybe teach his daughter how to look out for men like that when she grows up and try to stop the cycle?

Gentleman my arse.

Yes, this is what's disgusting, not having a past sex life.

It doesn't really sound like he was taking advantage. The encounters all seem pretty mutual.
It sounds more like HE had a self esteem and self worth issue. Was searching for something but looking in the wrong places.
Not all women who have hook ups or toy boys are taken advantage of. Sometimes they just want sex too.

If your questioning the consent or lack of then you are accusing him of rape by deception

Yes that sounds like about right. He can be respectful but then really trashy/ sleazy too. Still very judgmental about who’s the “right” or “wrong” sort of woman.

To be honest, I don't think it's the sex you're bothered with @elefanty, its the way he thinks of, treats, and talks about women.

I'm a man, who had a decent number of one night stands and short flings in my younger years, prior to meeting DP. They were all mutual. We both knew that we were having sex with each other because sex was fun, and it meant nothing more than that. Neither of us was using the other person, any more than I'm using someone if I ask them to join me in a game of tennis

If I was your husband OP, I don't think you'd particularly be disgusted about that. It's not about the sex, it's about the fact that your husband see's women as a tool , or a conquest. He sleeps with them in order to get a roof over his head, or so he can brag that he can even get lesbians to sleep with him. He doesn't see women as people, at least not once he's shagged them. At that point they're beneath him, ugly slags or tramps. He see's sex as something that degrades a woman, that makes her less than she was before. He doesn't think the same for men, he thinks that it gives him bragging rights.

Finding out that you think your husband is a disgusting prick doesn't make you sex-negative. It just means your husband is probably a disgusting prick.

Edit to add: And he's not a gentleman now either. He still has these views about his ex's, he must do otherwise he wouldn't be telling you about them. And if he thinks of them like that, what on earth do you think he really thinks about you?

I mean the language he uses to describe women would be a huge red flag to me. Not necessarily the sex acts but the way he describes them and the women he was with is horrible. However lots of people are idiots when they’re younger and if he isn’t like that now then that is also important. If he’s bragging about how he used a “slut” for sex and laughing about it that would disgust me and I would question him as a role model for my child.

Sorry, you have married a man who calls the mother of his child a tramp and a slut?

Is that correct?

I'm not sure it's the sex history that you're disgusted by tbh.
I think it's that you're seeing your husband for who he actually is.
A man who has fucked women he found disgusting, but would give him money, a place to live, and sex.
A man who would confuse children whilst doing the above.
A man who sleeps with anyone who will let him, even women he is ashamed to admit he knows.
A man who refers to any woman as a tramp, ugly, or a shut would be offputting to me, but even worse, this is the mother of his child.

I'd also be very much questioning the conversation he had about his mates likening his dates to prostitutes... I think he's probably paid for sex too.

I don't have high standards, but he sounds like a vile STD magnet. Doesn't care where he slaps his knob and doesn't cover it up by the sounds of it.

I would feel the same way as you. I'd have no issue if my husband had a 'body count' in the hundreds if every encounter was respectful and on a shared basis of understanding. Sex is just sex.

But your husband sounds like a misogynistic user that sponges off women.

Charitably speaking it may be an issue with his self-esteem. If you really think he's changed, then you could go to counselling together and as individuals.

But I'm being very fucking charitable here. He doesn't sound like a very nice human.

He calls a woman he has been with, the mother of his child, a trampx ugly and a slut… and you thought “yes, this is the man I want to marry.”

When men talk like that about women, I dump them. You married him. That shows your values really.

I more of the mind that someone's past is their past, as long as they aren't a paedo or rapist for example. But it seems you didn't have these discussions early on, so you didn't really make an informed decision?

I know there is an argument that past sex lives are nothing to do with current relationships and it's rude to ask, and that a new relationship should be started from a clean slate... I can see it from both sides.

My DH and I know everything there is to know about each other because we are candid, and I don't do beating around the bush. If he came out with some unexpected story I hadn't heard before after 10 years together I don't think I'd be too bothered unless it was seriously revolting like paying for prostitutes or something.

Some of the examples you have given do come under revolting. I suppose you can make the argument that people change, young and dumb etc. But his underlying motives seem misogynistic.

Has he been a misogynist to you during your relationship?

Yeah, I’m with PPs.

This doesn’t have anything to do with “sex positivity” and everything to do with his disgusting attitude to the mother of his child and seemingly every other woman he’s ever encountered.

What do you think he’ll say about you, if you and he were to break up? I’d put a bet on that he won’t be a “gentleman” then.

His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

Not a good way to talk about her, does he see the child? When you say he took advantage of her do you believe that as a young woman she wasn't capable of making up her own mind regarding the relationship. Perhaps the way he talks indicates he is still angry about the ending of the relationship.

He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

Not good but would you think differently if it was 25 yera old woman and a 50 year old man? Would you still think he was the one to blame rather than her seeking someone who would help pay the bills. I suspect sugar daddies are more common than sugar mummies.

Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

Maybe he had maybe he hadnt, does it matter.

He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

A bit wierd but people do experiment with sex, do you think the lesbian friend was mentally incompetent and unable to make decision herself? Just two people experimenting.

He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

Some of the young women I worked with used dating apps for that purpose, to be wined and dined with no intention of having a relationship, just a bit of fun with someone else paying.

I couldn’t be with someone like that to be honest and would be leaving.

Also, why is he lying about knowing a woman from his past?
Im not sure that you'd say "Hi babe!" To someone you knew a v long time ago.

Why did he lie? .. I'd dig cos with the information you've got I'm not sure he's the loyal type. I'd trust a hungry dog more to not eat the Sunday roast.

This.

I can't imagine for a second my DH even calling a one night stand from many years ago a slut or tramp. And yet your "D"H is calling the mother of his child that. Disgusting.

Out of curiosity, does your lovely husband have any relationship with his daughter?