DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

100% this. He sounds like a sleazy misogynist who thinks every hole is a goal.

I would be repulsed by his attitude and his objectification of women as little more than vessels for him to stick his dick in.

Grim as fuck

If/when you are no longer a couple, how do you think he will talk about you to his new conquests?

It's not about the sex he's had, it's about his disgusting attitude. Sorry OP, you must feel awful, I'd be devastated if my DH talked about women like this

This was going to be my question. How is it even coming up? Is he telling you these things at random?
The way he speaks about women, especially the mother of his child and calling sex with 40 year olds ‘gross’ honestly makes my stomach turn OP!

I understand this is judgmental. I wanted to explain why I made the association though. She had a certain look (fillers, tan) that other people he’s slept with have. And with the friendly introduction that’s what made me think.

I am being judgemental though. It’s awful of me I know.

He sounds like a creep. Why did you marry him

He hates women, dump him. You will be next to be spoken about poorly.

Well, you married him. Up to you if you want to continue to be married to a misogynistic pig or not.

He's nice to you, sure. But the way he talks about every other woman is him showing you who he REALLY is, and what he'd be like to you once you got on his bad side.

With his track record and his attitude towards women, I would doubt he’s been faithful tbh

er…. It’s ok to be judgemental of a raging fucking arsehole mysoginist.

i could forgive his past - presumably he’s grown up and matured - if he was respectful of his child’s mother. His attitude to her sounds really vile and nasty, and likely sums up his underlying issues with women in general. You were obviously ‘worthy’ of a serious relationship unlike these other women. I would struggle with this tbh.

you are making assumptions about the women he has slept with - and your assumption is that none of them agreed or he coerced them. In other words, you are accusing him of rape.

And i agree with pp - you don't sound sex positive at all.

Why are you disappointed in yourself for recognising and judging a creepy, disingenuous misogynist? Disappointed to be in a relationship with such an awful specimen, I get. But for being 'judgemental' when anything short of judgement would not be a great look for you, no.
Being 'sex positive' should never be a euphemism for overlooking men behaving badly to and about women. It's not the type of sex he's had, it's his total disrespect for the women he's had it with that's the issue.
If I were you, I'd be very very cautious. Because do you imagine for one moment that all those other women didn't think he was a nice guy too? While all the while he was treating them like rubbish? There is no reason at all for you to think he wouldn't treat you the same way and be saying and thinking similar things about you. Ideally, dump him. But if you dont at the minimum never take him at face value.

I refuse to believe the signs weren't there early on, so why an earth marry him? Did you feel you'd 'won' that he picked you to marry when he was so disparaging about all other women in his life? Grim.

I’m not accusing him of rape wtf.

I’m saying it was with women who were consenting but consenting for different reasons eg. His child’s mum wanted a relationship

Yeah, I thought that. OP and he dated for three months before they had sex together.

That’s not the same as “when we dated for three months before we had sex together, he didn’t have sex”.

He's a disgusting pig op.

Ltb

Yes. It’s that exactly. His looking down on other women and then acting like a gentleman, or traditional in his views. It feels like an act

This is not a man who likes women.

This pervasive level of hatred and disrespect towards women is vile.

How would you feel if you have sons and they speak about women like this; copying their primary male role model.

I am at a loss as to why he has waited until now to show you how he really feels about women. Is this a cloaked warning for you to tow the line?

Or is he "reminding" you how "lucky" you are when he has treated previous partners so poorly?

In any event, you can do better. Throw this one back. Hopefully no one else catches him.

I don’t really get why his friend who is a lesbian wanted to sleep with him and that it’s “taking advantage”?

you are saying that you think he coerced them.

What do you think rape is?

I would not be ok with my DP taking about the mother of his child like that.

He clearly doesn't treat women well so it would certainly be a red flag for me.

But talking about the woman in the cafe in that way seems a bit OTT. So what if a woman with fillers and was overweight said hello to him? You sound like you're being a bit nasty about her and she's done nothing wrong.

He sounds awful and the fact he still talks about the mother of his child like that shows his misogyny is embedded in his character.

the issue isn't his sex life it his absolutely horrible personality.. he is liar and a user and he often lied to and about women for the purposes of getting them into bed.

misogynist idiot. calling the mother of his child names when he was the one sleeping with her unprotected doesn't say much about his character. but more than likely he is lying and just being a nasty loser because he got her pregnant.

most people don't sleep with people they think are ugly slutty tramps and if they did, they'd probably use a condom.