DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

Sorry has all this only come to light very recently or did you start a relationship with him and then go on to marry him knowing all this?

OP, do you understand that the way he talks about women is really, really wrong? Have you always been surrounded by people that talk like this? Just think its worth understanding your background and understanding as most people will be reading this and going 'why on earth would you have married such a horrible man'

Sex positive is a stupid thing IMO, what does that mean? You should be understanding of and up for men's grubby fetishes? No thanks. I have no interest in being 'sex positive', I'll stick with my boundaries.

He sounds like a misogynistic creep OP - and you think you should be fine with it because you're 'sex positive'.

Christ, he sounds like a complete scumbag. How do you not have the complete ick?

He's admitted that he's had sex with women of whom he feels extremely contemptuous, but he went ahead because it was sex and what else matters. It's also pretty homophobic to have sex with a lesbian purely because she's a lesbian; the only motivation is feeling like he was able to "turn" her (though not in the same way that he turns my stomach).

You have no way of knowing that he feels differently about you. I expect that on some level he feels contemptuous of you too; he probably thinks it reflects well on him that you're not a "slut" who slept with him early, but that deep down you're the same as all the others and he just had to work a bit harder.

I wouldn’t be with someone who used women like that ! One thing is him having slept with lots of people etc and that’s fine but the way he admits to having used women is vile

I imagine that he appeared to be a gentleman to these other women as well - he got them all to sleep with him somehow.

But then, as a PP said, the act of having sex with these women downgrades them in his eyes. He's pleased with how he's successfully manipulated them, but now they're disposable.

I would think long and hard about how he is very clearly able to go from 'gentleman' to 'total pig' so easily, and how you might get recategorised in future.

I think the way he speaks about his encounters are as problematic (more in some instances) than the encounters themselves.

He says nasty things about the mother of his child? He refers to the past "sugar mamas" as "gross"? He sounds disgusting and has no respect for women.

I also think you may benefit from looking at the way you think about other women as the description of the woman in the... coffee shop? Was unnecessarily mean, why not just say "she was very like other women i know to be his type" or "she was very different to me but similar to many of his ex's which led me to think he'd slept with her". Do you think there's an underlying reason for this?

Anyway, your husband sounds awful and I would be wary about your relationship with him as he is happy to talk like this infront of you, I'd wonder what he could be saying when you're not around, how much worse could it get?

that's widely how they see fat / women deemed unattractive. I've seen men beeline for overweight older women, persue/flirt/flatter and then admit the girls they like won't go for them
Whislt they then emotionally abuse the older overweight women they have a non committed situationship but she's fallen for all the flattery and now has feelings ofcourse entangled with older women's kids as some sort man figure in there lives.

Sure we've all seen this. But yes, many men see women's bodies as resources and large women are deemed easy.

I think what strikes me is his behaviour and decision making may be at conflict with OP’s values. I feel this is completely different (and at odds) with positivity relating to sexual activity…

He sounds like an a misogynist prick.

How do you think he talks about you when you’re not around?

This exactly. He's vile, not because he had casual sex but because his attitude to women is vile.

Absolutely this.

People do change with time though (hopefully for the better).

I would certainly hope he at least now recognised what he had done was wrong, and be apologetic for it.

How is this coming up? Is he telling you? Usually someone else? Is he bragging? Do you ask ans he answered? Does he just casually bring up "i was.once screwing this 40yo single mom and pretending to give a shir for food. Lolz" or how do these come up?

This guy actively equated it with his anger. If a woman had made him feel small he would take it out on a fat woman and be repulsed at how easy it was to bed her and how grateful she was for any kind of attention, even ill treatment. It was horrible. He went on to do a lot of horrible shit to me too and it taught me the lesson to never ignore these red flags. If they do it to anyone else they can, and probably will, do it to you too.

He sounds like a massive red flag from the first example alone.

You are well justified in being disgusted at what he has confessed, and I'm afraid that I would not be able to persist in this relationship after witnessing the behaviour that you have described.

Thank goodness you have discovered this before offspring have been produced.

For the preservation of your self respect and self esteem, unwind your legal, residential, and financial union with this individual immediately.

Even if he was lovely to me, I would struggle with someone who talked about other women like that. There really is no need.

It also isn’t about being “sex positive”. You can have had many previous partners. But in this case, it’s how he treated them.

I think Counciling might be a good idea. It might help you make sense of things with him.

A final note: when people tell/show you who they are, believe them.

He sounds absolutely disgusting.

When I hear the words sex positive in my mind it translates automatically to attempts to erode healthy boundaries and it also highlights psychological damage earlier in life from life experiences or neurobiology.

I have never ever heard anyone who promotes sex positivity exhibiting or extolling any critical awareness of the systemic sexism women face in their day to day life.

I agree with the majority of posts saying it’s not the sex, it’s the lack of respect for women.

As others have said, you've not disgusted because of his sexual past, you're disgusted because he's a horrible misogynistic arsehole.

This has nothing to do with being sex positive.

I couldn't get worked up about this. You're talking about stuff he did in his 20's! Presumably that was a lifetime ago, and he is now a proper grown up by comparison.

My DH had loads of partners before me. I don't care! He knew I was "the one" and that's enough for me.

As for you now hinting that there was no consent? That's a huge STRETCH. Honestly, lighten up.

He's still calling the mother of his child a slag and a tramp though.

And saying that he slept with older women who were "gross".

So I would suggest he hasn't changed at all.