DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

I'm very sex positive- in fact, after my most recent relationship where I had always been open about having FWBs in the past, only for my boyfriend to start throwing it back in my face- I opened up the thread assuming it was something like this.

It's not, though. This isn't about sex positivity, it's about misogyny.

YANBU. He sounds like a misogynist and thoroughly unpleasant.

Please don’t normalise or minimise his behaviour or how he talks about women. It’s neither usual behaviour nor ok.

Think long and hard before committing to spend the rest of your life with him.

I would think my husband’s misogyny is my concern.

But then I guess some women do have low standards.

This. It’s not his sexual history or sexual preferences that are the issue, it’s just him being a vile human being. I’m baffled as to why you’re putting up with any of this.

Very true.

yuk, I thought prejudiced chauvinistic pigs like him were a thing of the past

Oh come on, 2025 and you're sticking with a man who refers to another woman as a tramp/ugly/slut? Pull the other one.

Men do not change but for the one.

If you are happy and he treats you and his little girl right then forget who he was because he isn’t anymore. If that alters the way you think about him, you need to look at yourself because being righteous will make any long term relationship difficult. Look for balance and be happy!

Haven't RTFT, but are 'sugar mamas' a thing?

It’s the not the sex that would bother me as such it’s his views on women. He comes across as using women for sex.

Also the name cocklodger was invented for men like him.

he sounds like a dick.

This!

Sorry OP but I'd run a mile from this vile so-called man.

You deserve better.

I believe so, just like suger daddies.

This. It's not the fact he's had sex in the past, it's the crude way he talks about his previous partners that's very telling.

Loving 'the opposite of me' comment

😂

Yes, it's a good one, isn't it? 😅

Why are you disgusted that he slept with the woman in the cafe that’s so opposite to you?

The bar, is in hell.

I’d be most disgusted at him slating the mother of his child like this, how could a man so vulgar be marriage material?

I would frankly be quite concerned about this. The fact that he makes derogatory comments about literally every female he has ever had contact with is a massive red flag. He might be in a 'love bubble' with you at the moment, but I can't help but feel his obvious misogyny might be directed at you further down the line.

"ThatCyanCat"?

Yes. What of it? What does it imply?

You tell me.

Well, you're the one who thinks there's an implication to it, so if there is, you tell me.

Or is this just a bog standard catch-all response? Maybe "I am rubber, you are glue" next?

Thanks everyone. I think PPs are right, it’s the way he views women generally.

no, I didn’t know this before I married him. It had trickled out over the marriage. He called his ex that one night drunk at another wedding - I broke up with him for 4 weeks over that. He apologised and has not said those things again. But has referred to her as “classless” and calls her a drain on his life.

I have no idea why he tells me these things. They have all come up in random conversations. There’s more subtle ones he’s said and it just escalates from there really.

I haven’t had sex with him for over a week because I can’t bear him to touch me. I don’t know to move forward passed this to be honest.

I feel he massively took advantage of the child’s mother and now feels annoyed that he has to take responsibility for the child. He knew she liked him, he knew she was leaving a bad relationship and still decided to have sex with her.

These things alone would be enough to put me off him and end the relationship. I am sorry OP.