DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

Or, maybe his child's mum was the instigator in an attempt to trap him?

And how did he take advantage of his gay friend? Im not sure why she was vulnerable here? Maybe she wanted to try sex with a man, maybe to prove to herself its not her thing?

Under these circumstances I really, truly hope he doesn’t have contact with his daughter.

He should have kept his mouth shut, ignorance is bliss after all.

Or, maybe his child's mum was the instigator in an attempt to trap him?

Even if that were true, it doesn't matter. He's a grown man responsible for where he puts his dick and what he puts on it beforehand and if he thought she was so beneath him then he shouldn't have put it near her. God, do men still need this explained to them in 2025?

If he is monogamous with you now that is the main thing. Many men like to sow their oats before settling down.

He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

Literally didn't need to read any further than this.

The problem is not his sex life.

It's that he's a raging, unashamed misogynist cunt who abuses women.

Why are you disappointed with yourself? Do you wanf to be happy he’s calling women sluts?

OP, I’m surprised his seemingly misogynistic attitudes have not been made apparent to you prior to getting married. I’m also curious as to how all of this new information about his former sex life has come to light? I could not marry someone with these past experiences.

This all over. Surely you mean you’re disappointed in him op? Also has he changed? That’s the big one. Does he regret his past attitude? Sleeping with women he finds ‘gross’ is a horrible thing to say. Itll also make you wonder what he says about you.

There's sex positivity and then there's just being a cunt. He is firmly in the latter category.

I see @PrawnAgain and I have both called him a raging misogynist - literally used the same words op.

I just don't understand how you have heard him use this language towards a woman and not gone 'oh fuck this is a bad man, I'm off.'

I don’t care what my DH did before he met me, absolutely none of my business.

but if ever heard a man in my life (DH, my Dad, brother) call any woman a slut or a tramp - I would absolutely lose my shit.

this is the mother of his child. Vile misogynistic pig

Reverse of what?

This is about him being an exploitative arsehole, not about sex.

Does he work now, or are you bankrolling him?
Do you have children together, and who is raising them?
Are you the one who primarily cares for his child when they visit?
Who is paying for your shared home, and who does the work of caring for it?

Basically, given how he describes his past interactions with women, what would he say (to someone else) about what he is getting from being with you?

He sounds like an extreme misogynist. Look at the names he calls his child's mom when he was right there too. He divides women into the madonna/whore stereotypes.

He had to have shown this before you got married. Are you very young? Is there a large age gap? Because how you didn't pick up on someone so far to an extreme of misogyny who doesn't appear to hide it is a bit concerning.

You don't talk about his daughter. Does he see her?

The world would be a better place if no woman ever let such a repugnant creature between her thighs.

There are men who have respect for women and possess common decency. I definitely recommend dumping this piggish cretin and finding one op.

Yeah I'd be more concerned about his attitude to women, he sounds vile. Everyone has a past which most of the time shouldnt/wouldn't be an issue but his attitude is horrendous. Hes shown you what he really thinks

I'd worry he's told you now because he's tired of the pretence and is testing to see if you'll accept him being that person with you. Or, because he sees you already put up that side of him, so no reason to pretend any more.

My concern is that the “consent” isn’t necessarily there, as he was taking advantage

Op may be accusing him of not being honest but she is also concerned about consent

He's a disgusting pig towards women, no wonder you find him gross.

I would be worried if he was only with you for a free ride like he did to those poor women, I couldnt be with someone like that. Not a chance.

Do you?

WTF have I just read!!

it’s not the amount of sex he had that’s the problem- it’s his deceitful, irresponsible and disrespectful attitude!

sometimes it’s ok to judge…….

Oooo he's nasty

This absolutely. I know nothing about my DHs exs including his ex-wife. I’ve never asked and he’s never told. And visa versa.