I want a sleep divorce

[Sleepingcreulty]

I love my husband dearly but over the last few years sharing a bed with him has become torture. He constantly fidgets due to an aching shoulder that he insists nothing can be done about , snores , farts loudly and gets up numerous times to go to the loo putting the light on every time . I’ve told him that he needs to reduce his fluid intake as he drinks mugs of coffee right up until bedtime but he insists this had no effect on him getting up so often . I have nudges in my back and breathing heavily in my face to get me to turn over as well as having the duvet pulled off me or dumped over me if he gets hot .He has a loud alarm that goes off at 5am that he puts on snooze and Its now beginning to affect my alertness and I’m fighting to stay awake in the day and often have to nap in the afternoon as I can’t fight the urge to sleep. I read online that having separate beds is the first step down the road to a divorce. I also read that broken sleep leads to health problems. I want to ask for separate beds but am frightened of hurting his feelings.

we both snore to varying degrees. We always go to bed together, in same bed, but I’d say 7/10 nights one of us moves into spare room. I hated it at first but as others have said you both need your sleep.

Separate bedrooms here for the last 10 years or so and no apparent signs of divorce! There's nothing stopping us from "visiting" the other bedroom for a cuddle or whatever....

Just have separate bedrooms. Have a cuddle last thing at night in your usual bedroom then skip off to sleep in peace elsewhere. Men often complain so bitterly about women not wanting to share a bed with them, but do nothing to improve sleep conditions. If he really wants you back in his bed, he needs to sort out the issues that are causing your sleep deprivation - which is far more likely to end a marriage than separate sleeping arrangements. Sleep deprivation is used as torture, and lack of sleep can cause serious issues like car crashes and other accidents.

Separate rooms have saved our sanity and reinvigorated our sex life. Do it.

Sorry OP I find these posts completely bat shit, even though they're quote common.

I have no idea why people think that not being in the same small space as someone else when they're asleep will affect the marriage. That's completely different to moving bedrooms because you do t want intimacy or to be seen naked in front of someone or to spend time with someone. You can still do all that, and sleep in a separate room.

Secondly these selfish men expecting their wife to put up with constant (and often preventable) sleep deprivation just because she is their wife. Insisting drinking coffee just before bed even though it wakes you up is rude. Putting the light on in the night is rude. Setting an early alarm and then putting it on snooze is rude. Not doing anything to try and address snoring is selfish. He is being completely selfish and inconsiderate, resulting in you having needless but real health issues...and you're worried about going through with a very easy solution, because you don't want to hurt his feelings? You know that you're much more likley to have a heart attack or stroke if you're chronically tired?

YANBU in the slightest. I suffer the same, if I had a spare room I’d be in there like a shot. As we don’t, I sleep on the sofa, not ideal but at least I don’t get woken up.

My husband is a sofa sleeper a lot of the time and I love it! I encourage the dog to share the bed with me as it keeps hubby downstairs 🫣

You are afraid of hurting the feelings of a man whose response to the person he loves saying 'im struggling to share a bed, im getting no sleep, can we work on strategies together' is to basically shrug his shoulders and go 'not my problem'?
If my partner told me they were struggling to sleep because of me, id be horrified and be trying to find solutions because you know... I actually like them.
He wouldnt be hurt because he wants to sleep next to you, if he cared about sleeping next to you he'd want to make it comfortable for you - he'd be hurt because you sleeping elsewhere would 'prove' he was in the wrong and he (like many people) dont like being 'at fault' (but wont do anything to fix it because of stupid pride)

A few years ago my husband had a frozen shoulder and was struggling to sleep comfortably with both of us in the bed. I decided to go into the spare bed, our daughter has left home so I’m in her old King size. It’s absolute bliss, my hubby is also a wriggle bum and snores (worse since getting older).

if we fancy sexy time or a cuddle and chat we’ll start off together,then I go to the other bed, before anyone says why doesn’t he go it’s a sleigh bed and he’s too long for it.

We are still very close, he comes in to give me a kiss before going to work. We get a good nights sleep which is great, no grumpiness due to crappy sleep, I absolutely love it and highly recommend it 😝

Start with separate duvets?

Well for me, another benefit to the husband on the sofa is not the dog coming to join me, but rather that she is happier downstairs with his company for longer, so I also get a little bit of a lie in to the usual 6/6:30 wake up call from the dog! 😀

He doesnt need the light on to go to the toilet surely? Its not hard to walk to the bathroom in the dark. Sounds like while some isnt intentional some of his behaviour is. I would definitely get your own bed.

Tbf i need a light to go to the toilet my night vision awful, although I did use my phone torch so not snapping lights on.

OP, don't believe the nonsense you've heard about separate beds/rooms being the first step to divorce. I would have divorced my DH over his snoring if we didn't have separate rooms. Instead, we both get the rest we need and are free to kick covers off, snore and go to the loo whenever we like without waking the other person up. He's happier and doesn't feel guilty all the time that I'm constantly knackered because of him, I'm just pleased that I can relax and go to sleep without constantly being on edge, waiting for the noise to start.

I wish I had the room to do this, he drives me insane

We have changed the mattress so I can't feel him move. I bought a bigger duvet than the bed. I wear ear plugs and I bought motion censored lights for the en suite cause it was on my side and he insists on putting the light on, I've now switched sides cause I very rarely need to go during the night. It has helped and I do sleep much better. The ear plugs BTW have been a game changer, I can't hear him breath, snore, cough, fart, anything, in fact, I have shit myself a few times because I have not heard him getting out of bed and then he has come in the bedroom to wake me up and scared the crap out of me 😂

Your husband need to understand caffeine is a stimulant so will make him go more during the night.

Where does you need for sleep figure in your thought processes? Put yourself first - your health is the most important thing. If his fee-fees are hurt then you’ve got your answer on what he reallly thinks if you and his he views your place in the marriage

Ooh @Sleepingcreulty you get a new bedroom. A new bed or at least a mattress, soft lighting, cuddly blankets, pretty curtains, a shelf for your books.

If he asks why, you just say “you give me problems when sleeping together. You did nothing about it so I did”.

You’re right but he won’t have it that this caffeine is keeping him awake plus the volume of liquid intake . What goes in must come out .

without telling him, switch to decaf 😉

Separate bedrooms. It absolutely doesn’t mean the end of a marriage. Didn’t for my grandparents.

If you continue sharing a bed I think a divorce is guaranteed. He sounds like an absolute pain in the arse at night.

😂 do you find your dog moves around the household during the night? Ours spends an hour with someone then rotates to the next to the next to the next. I’ve never known if it’s normal doggy behaviour or not

Another one in separate bedrooms for at least 5 years, we are much happier that way. In our case DH is a very light sleeper and was getting disturbed every time I moved, he was getting too hot even with separate duvets (which we have always had), and I have always had to get up much earlier than him for work. This way means I don't have to try to shower in silence and get dressed in the dark! If we stay elsewhere we prefer twin beds, or a king size or bigger, we just can't sleep in a standard double. And yes, we still have sex, cuddle, chat etc, just retire to our own spaces to sleep.

Me and my DH have seperate rooms because we both snore, he stays up at least an hour longer than I do and I get up at least an hour earlier than him, plus I’m usually up at least once a night for the loo. I’m often up, dressed and out of the house before he even wakes up so separate rooms work really well for us and no divorce in sight.

Your DH has to be more considerate OP, or if you have a spare room, just go in there one night and see what he says or does.

Separate rooms saved my sanity and my marriage. Just bite the bullet and tell him that for your own health you need a good nights sleep. Hid behaviour is extremely selfish.

We did this very early on in the marriage. We both appreciate a good night's sleep with no disturbances. We still share a bed on holidays and it will involve

• ear plugs for me
• a very large glass of wine for me before bed
• nasal spray for him
• me kicking him multiple times in the middle of the night if I'm woken up by him😬

Bless him, he sleeps in the spare bedroom at home. We've bought a double so he can roll about in the bed but he's back to sleeping in the single bed as - less sheets to wash and iron😂