I want a sleep divorce

[Sleepingcreulty]

I love my husband dearly but over the last few years sharing a bed with him has become torture. He constantly fidgets due to an aching shoulder that he insists nothing can be done about , snores , farts loudly and gets up numerous times to go to the loo putting the light on every time . I’ve told him that he needs to reduce his fluid intake as he drinks mugs of coffee right up until bedtime but he insists this had no effect on him getting up so often . I have nudges in my back and breathing heavily in my face to get me to turn over as well as having the duvet pulled off me or dumped over me if he gets hot .He has a loud alarm that goes off at 5am that he puts on snooze and Its now beginning to affect my alertness and I’m fighting to stay awake in the day and often have to nap in the afternoon as I can’t fight the urge to sleep. I read online that having separate beds is the first step down the road to a divorce. I also read that broken sleep leads to health problems. I want to ask for separate beds but am frightened of hurting his feelings.

To hell with his 'feelings' @Sleepingcreulty you cannot go on like this. Deep resentment will set in (if it hasn't already) and you will grow to loathe your husband. You NEED your own bedroom.

Me and DH are mid 50s and have been living together 32-33-ish years, married just over 30, and have had separate bedrooms for a decade or so. I also couldn't sleep because of his snoring, grunting, farting, moving about, and coughing, and he even whacked me in the face a few times.

I had a black eye for about a week once because his hand belted me in the face (when he was asleep and having a dream!)

He was OK for the first 15-17 years we lived together, but then it started to get more difficult to sleep with him... So after about 5-6 years of difficulty, I decided I was having my own bedroom!

As soon as I could, when our DC had left home, I got my own bedroom. It's glorious. I could NEVER go back, and we have separate bedrooms when we're on holiday too. DH started whining and pouting and saying 'what will people think?' I said 'I couldn't give a fuck.' He cared WAY more than me. He doesn't care so much now, but for the first year or two, he was terrified of what people would think. 🙄

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Separate bedrooms and stop worrying about his feelings (he doesn’t worry about yours). Don’t fanny about handwringing and being sleep deprived. Make a nice bedroom just for you.

More than anything, he sounds incredibly selfish.

Ah, sorry I can't help you with whether that is normal or not. Our dog isn't allowed upstairs in the bedrooms. We have a stair gate.

She's happy on her own and seems to sleep solid all night, I believe in one place, until anytime between 05:30-0730. 07:30ish when she knows the husband is very nearby. Earlier in the summer.

Why do you care about hurting his feelings when doesn't care about yours? Getting up and putting the light on constantly, I'd have told him to get out ages ago.

Putting the light on is particularly twatty, selfish behaviour. Why would anyone do that?! I have always managed to find my way from the bedroom to the loo without putting any lights on. The bathroom is only 6 feet from my bedroom!

How have you not lost your shit at your DH's behaviour @Sleepingcreulty He is very selfish, and as has been said, he doesn't seem to care about YOUR feelings, so why are you so bothered about his?

Yes if it’s Airbnb but not hotels - that somehow feels like a step too far.

Omg we have had a sleep divorce, it’s been the best thing for me personally. I actually don’t care how he feels about it, I literally have amazing sleep and it changed my life x

I can thoroughly recommend separate bedrooms and a large bed each. Doesn’t affect our marriage.

Absolutely this.
Do you have a spare bedroom? Make it yours and move in there asap.
If he protests ask if he would prefer divorce..
Some of the things you describe may be involuntary but others could be changed, by him, if he cared enough to bother.
Does he not care about you?
The 5am snoozing alarm is so selfish.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It affects our brains distorting our thinking & cognitive abilities, it has a negative impact on our health and reduces our life expectancy.

So do what you need to in order to have a decent night's sleep.

You are obsessing about all the things he could do to disturb you less but he has no interest in having a less disturbed sleep or the effects his behaviour has on you. Stop putting your energy into fixing him and start thinking about what you need to do to get a better night's sleep. Separate rooms seems like the obvious answer. He cannot refuse to address the problems disturbing your sleep and then have hurt feelings when you take some responsibility to deal with it. Stand up for yourself.

And don't complain about his attitude to shoulder replacement surgery when you believe that separate beds will lead to divorce!

I have been married twice and as an insomniac, caused by emotional abuse, it wasn’t until I finally lived on my own that I realised how much separate bedrooms would have saved my marriage - for me, that is-I don’t think either husband would have accepted this as a long term solution. I am so happy now, and am never, sharing my home with anyone ever again. I’d rather live in a one room set up than have to share my bed time and my down time. I also find sleeping ‘sounds’ gross. Saying that, my dogs snore, but they don’t shout and ball at me…

I think OP has gone. My concern is that it may have dawned on her from all our responses that she is married to a controlling bully and she probably isn't ready/able to do what should be simple (tell her oaf of a husband to stop being such a selfish pig).

He sounds utterly miserable to live with.

This

Separate bedrooms!

I'm fairly certain you bludgeoning him to death in his sleep will be worse than divorce, you can't keep allowing yourself to be sleep deprived!

If he values his feelings over your ability to get restful sleep then you've already got issues in your marriage.

Talk about separate bedrooms, explain why, a loving partner would be completely understanding (and mortified that they'd been effectively torturing their spouse!)

If it helps my nain and taid slept in separate rooms for 70+ years and had an obviously long and very happy marriage.

Just get your own room, I can't understand for the life of me why people sleep together if this sort of shenanigans is going on, I love my bedroom it's a lovely calm space, I couldn't bear a fidgety farting bloke constantly pissing ugh. Just decorate another bedroom and move in end of, he'll be fine, he can fidget away to his heart's content.

Separate rooms is more normal than you think because everyone sleeps very differently and lack of sleep can make you feel so ill. I'm trying to think of anyone that actually shares a bed in our whole extended family and I can't and my parents and grandparents have been married 90 years between them and very happily. I've been married 10 and even when we go away we don't share a bed. Hubby has restless leg syndrome so before we even married we already knew separate beds and also since the kids came along his alarms at 4:30am were waking everyone upstairs so on days at work he stays downstairs. Trust me it's lack of sleep and grumpiness that will make a divorce lol not separate beds.

⬆This was a joke 🙄

He doesn't seem afraid of hurting your feelings, at all. He doesn't seem afraid of ruining your health. Yet here you are worried about hurting his feelings because you want to escape a situation which he is actively enjoying continuing. This sounds like pure hell.

Putting the light on each time he gets up shows he has no consideration for you so move to a different bed/room. My husband snores and we sleep in different rooms. It is much better as I don't hate him every morning! So have a better relationship. It did take me ranting one day for him to realise how much it affected me. Sleep is very important.

Just out of interest do you have another room you can go to? It is much better believe me!
my STBEX husband is stubborn like this. Totally denies snoring even though sometimes I can hear his snoring from downstairs snd my daughter has backed me up! It was always me being unreasonable for waking him up!

Separate beds don’t lead to divorce. I think the issue is that some couples stop sleeping together because they don’t like each other, so it’s an indicator rather than a cause. I adore my husband and we often go through periods of sleeping separately because he snores/i’m too hot and fidgety.

Separate bedrooms all the way! There’s nothing at all wrong with it, it’s just recognising that for both of you, getting a good nights sleep is an essential part of being a functioning human. Me and my husband regularly sleep in different rooms and we both sleep much better that way.