I want a sleep divorce

[Sleepingcreulty]

I love my husband dearly but over the last few years sharing a bed with him has become torture. He constantly fidgets due to an aching shoulder that he insists nothing can be done about , snores , farts loudly and gets up numerous times to go to the loo putting the light on every time . I’ve told him that he needs to reduce his fluid intake as he drinks mugs of coffee right up until bedtime but he insists this had no effect on him getting up so often . I have nudges in my back and breathing heavily in my face to get me to turn over as well as having the duvet pulled off me or dumped over me if he gets hot .He has a loud alarm that goes off at 5am that he puts on snooze and Its now beginning to affect my alertness and I’m fighting to stay awake in the day and often have to nap in the afternoon as I can’t fight the urge to sleep. I read online that having separate beds is the first step down the road to a divorce. I also read that broken sleep leads to health problems. I want to ask for separate beds but am frightened of hurting his feelings.

Seperate beds/rooms for a start?? It would drive me mad not getting a good night sleep

You can't live like this forever for the sake of potentially hurting his feelings, though

I wouldn’t give two hoots about his feelings in this situation as he obviously has no regard for yours if unwilling to reduce the coffee intake. This is almost certainly explaining the fidgeting too.

You need a good night sleep

has he seen a doctor about his snoring and his nighttime loo trips ?

My husband is similarly awful to sleep with but not quite so bad. He doesn't put lights on and he's not obstinate about it and understands how it affects me. Do you have a spare room? One of us often de-camps to the spare room if he's being insufferable! Sometimes he just stays on the sofa if he feels it's going to be a bad night.

Not getting sleep due to someone else, is unbearable, I totally feel your pain. I'd worry it will eventually become your soul focus as the exhaustion will take over, and you'll resent him.

Is there a spare room you can utilise?

He sounds very annoying and selfish. Why the hell does he put on the light? Why does he use snooze, just get the fuck up.
I would move rooms or move out. I genuinely couldn't live with him sounds vile.

I know many couples (including us) who sleep apart. It may be great for the one who sleeps but being the one who gets no sleep is shit. Why are his feelings more important than your well being? Suggest you sleep in the same bed a couple of nights a week if you want to soften the blow!

Separate bedrooms is quite honestly the best thing we ever did. Neither of us would go back to sharing and enduring the lack of sleep again

My husband and I had separate bedrooms for a decade, since pregnancy snoring became intolerable. It worked really well for us, it was lovely. My space was my own, my bed was perfect. It was always the best treat when we’d visit each other’s rooms.

When he died, I didn’t have to get used to him not being next to me in bed, but I also wish I’d had those 10 years by his side at night. I got 8.5 years before our babies came along. 😔

My grandparents had separate twin beds in their bedroom

Many couples have separate bedrooms due to interrupted sleep from their partner's behaviour, it doesn't need to lead to divorce. That was the best thing we ever did a few years ago, its utter bliss to just do my own thing at the end of the night , DH feels the same way.

I moved rooms when my menopause was in full swing it was horrendous for us both although he was always up and down as well but I used to sleep through him, anyway it is great I love my husband but I wasn't sleeping properly and now I can scroll my phone if im awake or read a bit without disturbing him,

DH and I haven’t had a shared bedroom since 2020 when he went into the spare room to avoid giving me COVID. It was a revelation for us both as he snores and I have peri-menopausal sleep issues.

We’re still happily married. We just share a bed on holiday now.

Whilst some of those things he can't help, he doesn't need to bother you with lights, no snooze at 5 am, and he can drink less fluids - caffeinated or otherwise in the evening. He'd sleep better, too, and be less fidgety.

I'm sorry you have this to deal with. I had similar (nothing like as bad) until recently but things are better now. I hope things improve as sleep us precious and so important.

I also snore quite badly so I think it was a relief when I moved.

I’m sleep divorced! Have been for 6 years! We are otherwise very happily married. My husband is a light sleeper. I need the loo in the night. We both snore. And I have insomnia so like to read/listen to podcasts when I can’t sleep! He’s a night owl and I’m an early bird. We were very sleep incompatible. We are happier apart.

If you have a spare room just go in there for one night and don’t go back! I actually wouldn’t make a big deal of it. Then work on making that your haven!

You can absolutely start the night off together or reunite in the morning for chat, coffee sex! But all much more pleasant if you have slept/have the prospect of sleep!

Tricker I’d you don’t have anywhere to go, but you could try separate beds in same room?

I also think the coffee intake is a big part of him being restless . He also drinks water everytime he gets up .

Me and my husband regularly sleep apart (maybe 3-4 nights a week), especially if we really need a good sleep, we both get a much better nights sleep and are in better moods as a result.
We made sure the spare room was nicely decorated so it isn’t a hardship sleeping in there.
Can you do that?

🤔 we have separate bedrooms for sleeping... been married 20 odd years and still going strong! Sleep separated about 7.

As others have said, a good night's sleep is essential and honestly will also help your marriage- no build up resentment over sleeping habits.

But, it is essential to make time for each other... if you are on a loving and caring relationship that should not be a problem!

We've officially slept in separate rooms for around 6 years. Before that, it was unofficially - me getting up in the night when I couldn't stand the snoring any more, and moving to the sofa, the spare room, or the sleep out.

It has had absolutely zero negative impact on our love, our relationship, or our marriage. It has certainly had a positive impact. One thing I would suggest, if you take over a bedroom, make it your own. I love my girly girl bed with a floral cover and a feminine rug!

Gosh that will make you ill.
If you have a spare bedroom make that nice and comfortable. Go to bed with him if you want but know it’s there if you need to escape.
At the very least have a duvet each.

He does have diagnosed type 2 diabetes . A lot of fidgeting is down to an old shoulder injury from 45 years ago . The doctor at the time told him that he will eventually suffer from it due to age related arthritis and nothing could be done . He believes this still is the case . I’ve told him to look into shoulder replacement surgery but he won’t because he believes what he was told all those years ago . I’ve told him that medicine has moved on but he won’t listen .

So he's not slightly bothered about keeping you awake and affecting your health but you are worried about hurting his feelings by getting out of your own bed and sleeping elsewhere just to be able to function? Who taught you that behaviour? Just move and let him face the consequences of being a selfish bed partner.

If you have a spare bed just quietly move into it say you can't sleep because of x y z so even if its the odd night here and there so you can get a sleep.

He doesn't care about your health or his feelings so don't bother yourself about his. Enjoy your new room. P.S make sure he is responsible for cleaning his own room including bedding,