Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

oh get a grip honestly. It’s a mode of transportation and the most fun; it’s also a great community and a way to meet people.

It's purely a toy as we both have cars. Although his car is faster and a bit more fancy than mine. Even though I have a boring slow car I do sometimes go out for a scenic drive .
I'd quite like a faster , sporty car myself . Perhaps when the one I have needs changed . I'd like to ride a motorbike too. I'd like to experience it . I want the time and money invested in me to learn . I want to understand how to ride. I want the accomplishment of passing the test .

Maybe having to use it as your mode of transport kills the enthusiasm a bit.

If you also want to ride why are you whining about it and not booking your CBT? Genuinely; if there is to be a bike, why wouldn’t you share it?

God Another jealous wife because her husband has a life and she doesn’t!! Just because you’re a mum doesn’t mean you can’t do your own thing! Not every hobby costs lots of money. You have to make your own way in life, nothing drops in your lap. Personally think you sound like a selfish child, why can’t you learn to ride the bike too and go out for ride by yourself?? Can’t beat em join em!

I know a couple with children that share a bike and take turns. She came along to a women’s weekend off road training event and had a great time.

Other times it was his turn, and they look forwards to when the children were grow up and could ride together.

My DH and I love taking our motorbikes out together 😊

I started to learn but because I nearly always had either kids, dogs, or shopping to carry I rarely got the chance to go out on mine. I failed the big bike test from sheer lack of time in the saddle and then had to sell the little bike as it cost too much to just have sitting there.

i will still do it but later, when there is more time just for me. I do hear you though @Sneakybat , my dc’s dad never ever hesitated about doing his stuff. In fact it’s part of the reason he’s an ex; he went out to do his stuff even when I had (with his agreement) booked and paid for stuff to do myself. “Oh I forgot,” said he. Happened with my work, too. His stuff was important. Mine was not.

I'd probably use the same bike , although I could imagine him getting a bike that I am unable to ride to prevent that .

Everything else falls to me too. I will learn , but there are a million other priorities too , so it may be a long process. I find the fact he has allowed himself to do that quite problematic.

I am going through the can't beat em join em thing. I am booking up to learn.
No , not every hobby does cost a lot of money , but the ones he takes part in do do. I know a mum can still have her own identity but the difference in lifestyle between husband and wife in the same house shouldn't be quite so vast.

No , not every hobby does cost a lot of money , but the ones he takes part in do do. I know a mum can still have her own identity but the difference in lifestyle between husband and wife in the same house shouldn't be quite so vast.

It sounds as if he has never questioned his own right to do what he wants to do, whereas you first of all think about the things you “should” be doing or paying for before you start working out how to do something you want that’s just for you. And you pick up anything he drops in his quest for his hobbies. I think this dynamic is really common in male/female relationships, fwiw, and it starts with how we socialise small children. It was like that in my previous relationship. I can’t advise how you change the dynamic, I couldn’t, and I left! But I hope you do manage to get that time for yourself. The status quo sounds deeply unfair.

I get you. My dh bought a car during covid 5 years ago. It’s not a sports car as such, more a really fast max power type car. A project! I did think at the time, well fuck that..where’s my luxury buy? But it’s his pride and joy and a huge interest. He does spend a lot of time working on it and of course it costs money but there’s way worse he could be at on a Saturday afternoon!
He works really hard and is a good dad & husband. I also don’t feel guilty if I spend money on stuff, if he opened his mouth..which he wouldn’t,I’d just point at the car and that would be the end of that conversation!
Cars & bikes make great hobbies. I know you might not want to join him but definitely look at taking up something yourself that might get you out of the house and give you some time to yourself. Don’t let resentment kick in.

For us it's about fair share of time, rather than money. One has a hobby that has to be paid for, the other one that just requires solitude. As long as we both get to pursue what we want, the money's irrelevant.

Well the money's only irrelevant if there's enough spare for both people's hobbies.

But if they have £300 pm spare for adults personal spending and the OPs DH is spending £200 of that on his motorbike it stands to reason that they don’t have the money her to also run a motorbike.

He already has a fancier car than her and I'd be willing to bet that he's also making more expensive choices that take a disproportionate amount of the family budget in other areas too.

I'd be more inclined to agree if I was the one with the expensive hobby. I wonder if it's usually the man with the expensive hobby .

Mine also took annual leave and used it for things that not only just benefited him but also left me at a disadvantage. Calling it a sore point is putting it mildly.

Not in our house.

If they can't afford it and he will be spending all his 'soare' time on it how is she to 'find her joy'? Or do you mean find her joy in doing all the household drudgery?

Op said he leaves all the household drudgery to her as it is. He is most unlikely to start when there is the novelty of a new fangled motorbike to distract him . Unless op and her h can work through this issue, things will get worse. She is right to be reluctant .

I know they can be great hobbies but only at the right time of life . There are times when interests have to remain a dream because there is so much that needs more attention in life. Resentment was already there , to be honest.

If he has already purchased the bike then make plans with him that you will be using it on your days off too
because it does sound like you want to
be enthusiastic asking him how it runs and what it’s peculiarities are etc
if he asks who’ll be doing the chores your reply will be oh we can sort that out between us can’t we
try and get a babysitter this weekend and go with him

We don't seem to have a great deal spare at the end of the month . And we have a list of house jobs that could do with being done, it might also be nice to prioritise a holiday.
I recently had to get another car , as the one I had gave up the ghost and it was such a struggle to find the money for a little runaroun and the new insurance policy for it. I know I'm privileged to have my own car , but I know dh thinks he's above having a car like mine.

Does he do anything with his family?

Ok. Firstly, you sound depressed. For example, you talk about the time you spend with friends during your days off as if it's a chore.

Secondly, a motorbike is fun. He wants fun. I think you want fun too but unfortunately you're disappearing into 'misery loves company' territory.

Anyways, I've been in exactly your position. Husband got a motorbike. I felt left behind. He was having a life. I was having a boring existence. Hated my job. Annoyed about my mothering responsibilities. Pissed off I was getting older and fatter and more invisible by the day. Seemed as if I was disappearing.

Retrained. Changed careers. Got myself a bike. Passed the big girl test. Got myself a bigger bike. Got myself an even bigger bike. It takes time. I knew where I wanted to get to. I made it about me. We rarely ride together, I don't want to be his 'backpack', my keyring fob says 'this bitch rides her own.'

The only reason we can afford it is because we decided not to have a car. Maybe sell yours and get yourself into his insurance.

He hasn't got the bike yet . I've told him I will ride it too. I will practice on the drive or in the car park where he works ( private land) .