Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

The first thing to do it to work out what you want for yourself. Then have a conversation about how you can both have what you want. I wouldn't start with trying to stop him doing what makes him happy, you both deserve that if the budget can stretch to it.

I saw the happiness my late DH got from his motorbike and going off with his friends in their bikes, the difference with your situation was I had my own interests I was pursuing so never felt hard done by. Also my DC were teenagers so parenting wasn't the hard slog that it is with younger children
I think you need to pursue the idea of equality between you and that you get the equivalent budget and free time that he will if he goes ahead with this.
on the other hand it may turn out to be a short lived thing for him, the reality might not live up to the expectations...

It’s a deal breaker, no motorbikes, they are lethal. Suggest that you’re going to take up parkour and start leaping buildings, it’s free too. Very cringe to want to buy a motorbike, how typical midlife crisis.

Yeah they too are having a midlife crisis.

Any hobby that gets taken up like this (cycling being main one) which is just a cover for wanting to get away from your family for a several hours i always find laughable. .

The question is: what money is available from the family pot to spend on luxuries and personal hobbies/interests?

Now split it in half.

Tell him it's a great idea and you are going to also start riding! Having some free time on a motorbike is the highlight of my week and a real mental health boost so I would recommend it to anyone and everyone!

Work out roughly how much it would cost.

Then enthusiastically start talking about the
-Kitchen renovation project
-Cosmetic surgery
-Holiday in the Seychelles
-gym membership with personal trainer

All of these would be possible for the price of a motoribike and they take up less time.

If he enthusiastically supports you, then fair enough. If he even whispers the word money, let it rip.

I agree and the cycling and motorbike are why my friend wants to divorce her husband. He also happens to be massively selfish.

Please tell us you are financially independent. If your husband is buying this out of his savings, that is on him. You buy things for you out of yours. Is all of your salary going on necessities? If you are both low earners and you can't cover household bills, that is another matter.

Actively engage in searching for a side car for the motor bike.

And choose yourself a helmet and leathers.
Update life insurance for you both.

It's not just money who's doing childcare whilst he's off riding the roads for hours every weekend? What about family time let alone housework?
What if he's badly injured and can't work, needs long term care or a funeral? My friend is now caring for her wheelchair bound husband. I know another who got cut up and landed on a bollard dying outright....it's not a thing to joke about.

Do you have something you want to do for yourself? If so, you should do it.
My sons have both said over the years that they want to get a motorbike, but I've always said I would never help them and although I can't stop them, I really don't want them to. The thought horrifies me.

I am afraid this would be a deal breaker for me. Not really the money or time aspect but the danger. I am trying to think of all those I know who have been killed or left seriously injured and actually I realise it is every bike rider I have ever known. A couple in my younger days - an ex boyfriend in his thirties, a friends cousin in his twenties, both dead. A partners friend seriously injured after many years of riding - never got on a bike again. A CEO returned to riding after a break having previously been an instructor so very experienced, dead at 51. A Managers husband laid up for months recovering after an accident while she had to look after him, the children and work to keep them going financially. The problem is not necessarily the riders but the fact that in any collision they have no protection worth speaking about.

Op, you just sound resentful and like a martyr - what would make you happy and why aren't you doing it?

No I would focus on finding my own fun before forbidding my husband from having his own. The alternative seems bitter and nasty.

However, id be concerned about safety with motorbikes.

Exactly. Unless the OP also has money and time to spend as she likes, which sounds unlikely from her OP, then she's right to be concerned about her DH getting to spend so much money on him and then the time going out riding it.

Make sure he has the best life insurance for both death and critical illness/injury. High viz is essential too. Both my sister and Dad had motorbikes. My sister needed a year of physio after being hit by a driver who "didn't see her" despite high viz. Luckily it was at low speed and she was in full leathers so her injuries could have been so much worse.

You need to carve out time for yourself. Stop being passive in your own life. Work out what you want, and then how you can achieve that. You are still a person not just a Mum. Don't ask for stuff, just do it. You should both have the same amount of free time. Dh used to take our children to their hobby, it was Dad and boys' time.

@jannier

OP's partner can do what he wants with his money. If it's joint money he can do what he wants with his half.

OP can arrange equal money and time spent on hobbies if she wishes. I always have done and my daughter does too. I thought it was very common now for couples to plan their calendars/joint or separate finances equally.

Are you saying OP's partner will crash? That's a bit pessimistic.

I recommend a horse.

Everything is so relentless with small dc and all the household things that come with them . Most of it falls to me.

I am considering it too.

I agree with quite a lot of what you've said . But I don't think zumba and motorbike are equal . I try and find fun things for me to do and he goes and exceeds these and I feel just as resentful.

It's not a competition.

You need to sit yourself down and work out what you want from your everyday life.

Once you know what that is, you need to sit him down and discuss how it's going to happen.

Him not getting a motorbike isn't going to enrich your life one little bit as only you can do that.

It is stereotypical midlife crisis isn't it.

It’s not a midlife crisis to want to have fun in life.
It’s wrong to try and stop him doing something he enjoys. You need to find something you enjoy equally.