Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

No, she's being a martyr to say he can't go out on a motorbike because "she doesn't have the opportunity to do the same".

The answer isn't to stop him - it's to get her own activity to get her some time out.

Thats really pathetic.

that's not what people are saying at all.

You take turn? That's the luxury of having a partner and not being a lone parent?
So the discussion is: of course I am staying with the kids on (Saturday morning./ whenever) and I'll be out Sunday afternoon/ Thursday evening... so you'll have them then.

Or whatever combination works for your family. When you are a couple, you work it out.

I mean can you afford for him to get a motorbike? And then you also have that same amount of money to spend on yourself?

Right so she has a motorbike and he has a motorbike and they are broke and they never see one another because the other parent is with the children while parent 2 is on the bike, but hey, it’s equal.

Marriage and its equivalent just isn’t like that with little children. It’s no good pretending that you can have the same freedom and flexibility that you had before children because the truth is that you can’t. It comes back slowly and in three to five years he probably CAN have the motorbike. But right now it’s just not possible.

I had horses. DH was into classic cars and classic car shows and that took up a huge amount of turn for us both. At the moment, that isn’t possible for us and that’s fine, it was before and it will be after.

Make a list of all the things you’ve ever wanted to have/ do and see which are faesible and look at the motorbike with dh and see if it’s faesible- as for time taken up, as long as he’s not doing a Ewan macgregor and heading off for weeks on end it’s not different to other hobbies!!

how old are the DC? Do you get a fair amount of spare time? I would let him if you get equal spend and 'me time' as he would do with a bike.

Why not book the kids an overnight with grandparents and both go to the motorcycle show at the NEC in a few weeks time?

Of course it's possible. It's not like a motorbike requires you to be out every day in all weathers (like with horses) - it can sit in the garage for several weeks if he's busy or doesn't have the time.

I don't get this idea that having small children means you have to put your life on hold - it makes no sense.

Some men are just fucking selfish. Not even looking into whether you could both ride if that's what you want.
We knew a couple and the dh spent every weekend and most evenings in summer riding his bike. They had primary aged children and he had a child a bit older who his wife cared for while he was whizzing round country lanes. She really resented the time he spent away from the family because it was a lot and then he crashed. Had a lot of injuries including both legs and pelvis broken he was very lucky to survive.
She had months looking after him and the children and when he recovered he wanted to get another bike. She told him if he did she'd be gone it wasn't fair being absent from family life and then the worry on top of that. He didn't get one. It wasn't controlling she just wasn't prepared to go through it again.

why does it have to be all or nothing?

You know you can go on a nice bike ride that doesn't take 12 to 14 hours a day 😂

Of course you are not as free and as flexible, but since when does it mean you can do nothing?

With the amount of time people waste watching tv or being on MN or their phone (and clearly that includes me), you could do plenty if you let go of the screen to start.

It's absolutely possible to have a couple of mornings / afternoons or the equivalent, to yourself a week, even with young children and a full time job.

but apparently doesn't stop people being on MN or watching TV every night

Well, quite!

Unfortunately statistics don't agree with you

The stats in the UK

Wow I didn’t realise pedestrians would be higher than motorbikes.

I did my cbt in awful weather, but I’m really glad the first time I encountered a flash flood and hale storms was when I had an expert on the radio coaching me.

it wax also reassuring that it didn’t put me off, so I felt more confident investing in a bigger bike.

I’ve since then ridden through all winters in all weathers apart from settled snow/deep ice. Heated kit makes a huge difference 😊

just remember to wear all the kit, all the time. Even when it’s boiling in summer you need to ensure that you have appropriate armoured kit on

I rode a bike for 8 years, privately and as a courier in London. When my reflexes were fast, when I wasn't stressed or tired. Despite years of experience and advanced driver training, I was still knocked off twice by numpties not looking where they were going.

I was lucky. I survived both times without any broken bones. Since then, the roads have become far more dangerous. Drivers looking at phones, overseas drivers without licences or insurance, drivers who have never taken a test, foreign lorry drivers. A lot more drug drivers. It's a very dangerous hobby.

I love bikes but your dh has two small children. If he wants to see them grow up he should reconsider.

Yeah the horse will be 5* more expensive than any motorbike to run...

Well yes - you’re in the same house as them!

I mean, you can’t exactly just say oh yeah, I’ll go out on my motorbike, it’s fine, the kids are in bed, can you?

@jannier

Cars still account for most fatalities.

H has been riding bikes for more than 44 years and rode them off road before that. Whist he socialises with bikers weekly, I only attend the main annual events. I know a few bikers who have had accidents - mainly the fault of cars. I don't know any bikers who have been killed since I've known my husband (40 years). My son's only accident - had a bad knee for a year afterwards - a collision with a deer which had run out from the side of the road. He was protected by his helmet and reinforced leathers. I personally know many bikers.

I have personally known six people who have died as a result of car accidents. Two of them were ex-students who I had taught, another a neighbour, one a dear relative, and the other two were H's friends.

H has never had a bike accident whilst on the road. He had few doing motocross when very young, which were mainly pile ups at the start line.

If someone wants a motorbike, assuming they have the means, they are entitled to buy one. Same as people who want to buy cars.

Seems from your statistics that pedestrians are at greater risk.

It sounds like:

1. You don't have a fair division of child care and household tasks and therefore, don't have equal free time

1. You don't have a fair division/system for finances if he can unilaterally decide to buy a motorbike (you haven't explicitly said that you don't have equal leisure income, but it seem to me that it was implied).

Therefore, you need to address those problems specifically. The motorbike seems to be just a symptom of that.

Journey for journey, those figures suggest that being on a motorbike is very high risk.

So the stats produced by the government and brake listing motorbikes as second to pedestrians is a lie then ....okay ...if your hit by a car I don't think it matters who's at fault though. Children without parents are not an issue to you either as long as they died doing what they wanted nice....my answer is unchanged for me a hard no along with free climbing and mounteneering.

That's also true but I would be insisting he did his share...properly....and id have time out.