Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

You are off two days a week, so prioritise doing things for yourself. You’ve plenty of time when the kids are at school.

Your dh has some audacity wanting to do such a big thing for himself. Its always about them and what they want to do while the little wives go everything at home and with the dc whilst being grateful they get to go to zumba.

I'm not surprised you're annoyed, op.I would be too.

Do you miss the part where OP has two days a week to herself but chooses not to do anything with them?

I don't think two days a week off work and a motorbike to yourself , just for you to use are quite the same . I regularly have weekdays off , depending on the rota and the school day absolutely flies over.

I didn't miss the part about her h playing on the games console instead of actively parenting on his days off. Maybe op should take up gaming too?

Yep - maybe she should if she wants.

OP has two days a week to do whatever she fancies - I don’t think she can argue against a motorbike when she has as much free time as she does.

Parenting small children isn’t a race to the bottom - they should both have time to themselves to pursue hobbies or friendships.

Well maybe she'd be better off having the motorbike, rather than him in that case.

I don't get to do whatever I fancy, there is a huge middle ground between being at work and doing all sorts of wonderful activities. Like the above poster said, the school day flies over.

Perhaps I should, apparently I need a hobby and that sounds the most appealing.

Why don't you? Unless you have specific things you need to do during the day, I would do whatever I fancied with my time.

I work part time so I have days to be around for dc and do the housework, shopping and appointments.
Do I get a bit of time to myself on those days? Yes - about an hour each day, so could go to a coffee shop or do some exercise.
Is that the same as having two full days to do "whatever I want"? Of course not! Most part time workers with children expect to be doing something useful for their families during this unpaid time.

Exactly. Walk the dog , do a quick daily tidy up . One day a week , I do the weekly shop . There's always something to be doing. I try to meet friends regularly, that always takes an afternoon up. Sometimes it is nice to have a peaceful sit in the house alone. It isn't 2 blocks of a hours, it's snippets.

If you don't want a hobby there is no obligation to have one but the point is that you have the time to have one, and presumably there is some money available. So if you did want a hobby there is no reason for you not to have one.

Your husband wants to spend some of his free time on his hobby it is up to you how you spend yours.

There isn't an abundance of money, we have a limited amount remaining at the end of the month once our normal spending is done . Hence some of of my original opposition to him getting a motorbike at this stage .

I don't think there's any point taking up a hobby just for the sake of it because it will just become a chore.

I would say make sure you are actually living and doing different experiences, rather than just the day to day things because your dh will be. You don't want to look back and realise you have nothing to show for your time.

I think he already is doing more than me which is probably the why I feel so much resentment.

I sort of know where you're coming from. My husband and I both have 'big' hobbies, but for me to engage properly in mine I'd need a solid full day. I haven't been in ages because I'm so trapped between school runs. I work part time but spread across 6 days so having a decent block of time to myself is very rare. It's a couple of hours here and there. So for me, the time is best spent catching up on bits and pieces.

My husband however pretty much uses all his annual leave on it. Because I work in education my annual leave is the school holidays, so I always have our DD.

I do feel a bit of resentment sometimes as because I'm part time I carry a lot of the load and don't always feel I can have any time for myself really. I'd feel guilty if I did.

So change that.

I assume from the thread that the motorbike is purely a ‘toy’ rather than a useful mode of transport?

I ask because DH has one but he uses it get to work and back when we’re not car sharing. It means we only need one car and thus one parking space (we can fit both into our space). He’d never go for a pleasure ride on it like I’d never just go drive the car for fun.

That aside, it sounds like your life will remain about the DC and the house until you do something about it for yourself. What kind of hobby or luxury item would you enjoy?

Slowly but surely, I am trying to change that . I've started making a list .

Op I think this is clearly about you feeling unfilled generally with life and not about your husband.
There is nothing wrong with people having hobbies as well as family life as long as they don't take over.

He must have a really shit bike if he never just goes for a ride

@RealOliveTraybake Is that the only contribution you’re planning on making to the thread? How strange.

It's almost ingrained in us to feel guilty if we do things only for ourselves. Whereas men just do it.
I use all my annual leave for the dc . My husband actually took some of his annual leave to do his bike lessons and test . Which was a bit of a sore point when he didn't have any leave left to cover the summer holidays when I was at work .

It won’t last long if he’s any kind of hands on parent. I was supportive of my DP getting one and eventually it got sold because it’s completely impractical and very limited opportunities to use it.

Sounds like a DP problem! Don’t allow this, take some annual leave for yourself to do something nice & tell him he needs to take leave for the next school holiday. Tell him if he’s used all his leave he will need to use unpaid parental leave 🤷‍♀️