Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

He is there, but not often present iykwim.
He gets home about 6pm on weekdays. On a Sunday we try to do something as a family, but this doesn't take the full day up . Then there is downtime at home, I suppose.

I don't consider myself depressed, a bit fed up a bit fed and stuck in a rut perhaps.
I agree that motorbikes are fun and I see the attraction. And yes , I do want fun too. Our dc are still rather young and we don't have childcare, so our fun has to be family friendly for the foreseeable.
You've hit the nail on the head that I feel left behind. Last year , he went away to a music festival and I haven't been away solo and I don't get caught up and he moves further and further ahead and I'm still in the position I was back then .

How long did it take you to get through to passing your test? My plan is go through the process to learn / sit my test too but obviously it's going to take time and cost money. I think the reason I'm so annoyed about it is that he'd mentioned getting a bike before and then basically came in and said he was planning to get a motorbike because he'd passed his test and now has a full licence. I feel like I've deliberately been left behind. I think his actions were deceitful .

We need a car each at this stage of life , it's not an option to only have one. I'm having to make do with a little low budget car for now . I'd feel shit if he was swanning about on a motorbike he's just bought and I look like I've had to downgrade my car.

@Sneakybat why don’t both of you have the same amount of fun money?

If you didn't know he had a full (big bike?) licence until he'd actually passed his test then he's definitely been deceitful as he's had the time and money for lessons and the test that he's hidden from you. That would take some effort to conceal.

If he does increase the amount of time he’s off doing his own thing then there would be consequences if he was my DH. First, he would find that his clothes never actually make it into the washing machine unless he puts a wash on. If he puts a wash on and leaves it in, I’d remove it to do my next wash and then put his damp stuff back in. No gifts would be bought for anyone on his side of the family. I would make it clear that he needs to do more in the house and if he ignores you I’d take action.

That might be a question for dh.

No , I didn't know he was persueing it. I thought he was referring to doing a cbt and having a little 125 bike for time being. I actually expressed my interest in riding and he didn't mention that he was actively seeking his full licence. That's deception by ommission in my book . He's either paid by credit card , or the money he transfers to 'pay off his credit card' has been spent on this .

It’s sounding more and more as if your P is taking you for a mug, doesn’t it? Using family money for his hobby, without telling you, and expecting you to pick up his share of chores and parenting as well as the financial side. It’s skirting uncomfortably close to financial abuse; is there anything else that’s starting to feel shady?

@Sneakybatto have something to look forwards to there are some kid friendly bike festivals that you might all be able to enjoy. The Adventure Bike Riders (ABR) festival is great. Opportunities to sit on almost every bike manufacturer, for those with licenses there are chances to take them out and skills schools. But there is also an Offroad electric bike section suitable for everyone, including kids that is brilliant fun. That could be a chance for you to get some practice with balance and control so that when you take your cbt you ace it 😊

It’s at Radley Hall in Warwickshire, very lovely grounds, great camping facilities, brilliant music and loads to do. There are even water sports for kids (and big kids 😊) so it is a holiday for all.

this sort of thing can start to help DH see that his hobby can be something for all of you.

i think he’s being quite selfish with the family resources and shared free time, but I don’t think saying no will help. I think you need to highlight the disparity and start making space for your needs too.

i hope we see you in a bike soon, it’s a real adventure 😊

Men can be so selfish. They prioritise themselves above their families. Women tend to feel too guilty to do the same.

Disagree. I'm a very hands on parent and I still find time to ride both by myself and with a little one on the back.

I know from your post your kids are older than mine, I used to go on the back of my dads to school & loved it. Not saying all parents with bikes are hands off, just based on our own experience with a baby & 3 YO. By the sounds, OP’s husband isn’t hands on anyway though so doubt not having time will be relevant anyway.

I feel like a bit of a mug tbh . He says no one else knows he has a full licence, I'd hate to think I was the last to know. Once he had loads of bruises down his side , and I asked where they were from
and he said he must've got them at work , but in hindsight, I bet he came off bike in his lessons .

So bloody selfish . Suppose it's a lot easier to think only of yourself when you can leave someone else to do all the parents.parenting and household.

Have you had a chat with him? Have you got a plan for how to address this issue (or maybe it’s these issues)?

Yeah , I have had words with him about it . Twice in case he didn't get the seriousness of the issue the first time . I could easily keep banging on about but I'm not. I'm on here making a thread about it .

Isn’t spending one or two afternoons a week with your friends the same as him going to the gym a couple times a week?

Doing the laundry and grocery shopping shouldn’t be an all day thing.

Im hoping I've aced my cbt long before this festival comes round . I don't even want to mention bikes at the minute, I'm sick of thinking about them.
I told no , not because it's a motorbike but because of the way he has gone about it .

I would be upset about him getting such a dangerous hobby when he has young children. And I definitely wouldn't consider such a dangerous hobby for myself!

We are allowed to leave the house . He also meets friends fairly regularly. But your examples are not quite the same as having a motorbike.

Laundry and housework doesn't take all day but some needs done everyday and it always falls to me.

I am considering doing it under the supervision of an instructor. My post isn't really about how unfair I find the difference between me and dh and the opportunities we have.

Men have so much entitlement that they can do things like that.