Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

why not?

You need 2 adults to stay home because the kids are in bed? Why?

Why

Of course you can if the other parent is home with them.

MN can be so odd about hobbies and free time. Yes, having small children is relentless and time-consuming - which is why it's so important to maintain your own identity and have something that's just "yours".

Well yes exactly. If the other parent is home. So it stands to reason that if one parent is out having a ball the other isn’t.

And that might be OK if it was genuinely 50/50 but a) it never is and b) what’s the blessed point of parenting on rotation like that? You might as well split and have 50/50 custody. It would depress the hell out of me!

What, so if you’re a parent to young kids you can’t have time out of the house on your own?

Even it they both had two nights a week to themselves that still leaves two nights plus weekends as a family.

what a very strange way to see a relationship.

The whole point is that you don't have to give up on your life because you have children? Surely you had a life before having kids, and that didn't always include your current husband?

Hobbies, sports, classes, seeing friends.. you can still carry on because you have a partner. Surely most of these you did without your partner anyway? Or at least some of them?

When you want to do things together, you pay for childcare, it's not difficult.

And that might be OK if it was genuinely 50/50 but a) it never is
why not?
Most couples manage.

It's neither a punishment nor the end of your relationship if one of you goes out for a couple of hours and you stay home doing whatever you want to do at home to chill, or work, or study, or whatever you do there.

How is it pathetic? The booking and availability is there to see on their website so it's in the public domain. Anyone with a Uk licence with provisional motorcycle entitlement ( so most people with a UK licence) are eligible to do a cbt , if they choose.

No, but it is limited, isn’t it? Perhaps it partly depends on things like how much support you have around you. We have none (DHs parents live miles away and to be honest aren’t really into providing childcare) and mine are dead.

So if DH is off doing something fun for him, I’m left with the kids and vice versa. And to be honest they are really hard work together (although it is slowly getting easier.) So we are considerate of that, no one takes the piss (to be totally upfront here DH was a lot bit at one point and I did have to address it with him.)

I don’t know anyone with under 5s who just wanders in and out, doing what they want when they want to. Yes, I get snatches of time to myself but they are snatches and they are generally rushed and frantically hurrying back to relieve the other parent, as you recognise it’s hard work.

I think the only exceptions are as said above if you have lots of eager family or sometimes only one child. It’s definitely more possible with just one.

I'm not sure it's affordable without other areas of the household budget taking a hit.

I'm not sure it's the right time for a motorbike.

They are 5 and 7. I don't feel like we get an equal amount of spare time. I feel like he has more.

I don't know anyone who "wanders in and out"

but most people manage to have regular sport sessions a couple of times a week - one goes to football 2 evening, the other one to the gym or yoga, or whatever they actually do. It doesn't have to be "sport".

It's bloody important to get out of the house.

Mind you, only on MN are 2 adults needed for that mythical "bed time". In real life, one parent manages very well. No one needs to be stuck at home every night of the week and every single weekend. Might as well be a single parent frankly.

So if DH is off doing something fun for him, I’m left with the kids
it's a bit sad to see that as a punishment to be honest.

WHen you have support it's irrelevant, but when you have none, you take turn.

If one of you goes out for a couple of hours, you still get to see each other anyway!

Being a parent shouldn't mean being a martyr.

Maybe he has, just claim the time you want and need free.

Somebody, not you all the time!
You didn't stop being you when you became a mother. The umbilical cord was cut.

Older new motorbikers are quite likely to crash, particularly if they go straight to an A licence bike.

Get him insured. Not joking.

A motorbike isn’t a couple of hours a week though, or is it? I don’t know, I have never had one (they scare me!)

When you tot up the money, the time, the maintenance, I can quite see why the OP has reservations.

And being left with both kids is DEFINITELY a punishment!

Individually they are delightful. Together they are fucking hard work! It is slowly getting easier but I am not going to apologise for admitting that!

fair enough, but surely that makes it even more important you get some time off?

Only if you want to , of course, but having a few hours for yourself here and there? that's important. Exercising or meeting friends for a drink, anything, just taking a breath?

Then that’s what you need to address 🤦‍♀️

I do @ThisGentleRaven but it tends to be rushed. I don’t think I have it badly off; this month alone I’ve had a hairdresser appointment, seeing friends next Tuesday, been to a funeral (obviously not a happy occasion) and indulged in a hobby. But that’s maybe once a week, not several times a week. It would get me down if DH was regularly scheduling time to himself to be honest even if I got the same.

Nobody’s talking about “wandering in and out” but it’s absolutely not unreasonable to have a few hours to yourself each week as a parent of small children.

The fact that your kids are hard work makes that even more important.

DH is a dedicated biker but he managed to be a hands on dad as well. The thing you need to do is communicate to each other about your need for downtime and some space for yourself, whatever the hobby is. He might think (or be convincing himself) you like being with DC all the time unless you've spelt it out clearly.

it really would not be unreasonable to add a zumba class every week, or do something for 1 hour or so every week regularly, evening or Saturday morning, or whenever convenient.

(depending on your partner's availability of course, I am aware not all jobs have the same demands)

You need equal access to money. So what ever amount is going on the motorbike, insurance etc, there needs to be an equivalent money transferred to your personal account for you to spend.

The other thing that dh also goes to the gym a couple of times a week . So any more time out of the house is on top of what he already does . And I already feel like he manages more leisure time than me.