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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

248 replies

Sneakybat · 20/10/2025 09:19

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

OP posts:
Yellowe · 20/10/2025 09:21

But why is your life ‘all about DC and the house’? If you’re not happy with that, change it.

Bumblebee72 · 20/10/2025 09:23

What do you want to do to enrich your life and have you discussed that with your DH?

ShesTheAlbatross · 20/10/2025 09:27

YANBU if he’s spending family money on a luxury that can’t really be afforded

childofthe607080s · 20/10/2025 09:28

You each should have similar free time and spending money ?

SideshowItchy · 20/10/2025 09:29

Yellowe · 20/10/2025 09:21

But why is your life ‘all about DC and the house’? If you’re not happy with that, change it.

Yes - you need to look at this first

Also - how much spare income at the end of each month?

JustMe2026 · 20/10/2025 09:30

You have to make your own fun it won't just land on your lap funny enough my hubby got a motorbike and a few months later so did I so when kids go to grandparents we have so much fun together I love it

MumChp · 20/10/2025 09:32

If you can't afford it but of course he will want to go for it. I would consider my marriage if he could se why it's a bad idea.

Caleb64 · 20/10/2025 09:32

YANBU! My OH is like this and it’s not fair. He said to me yesterday ‘you shouldn’t think like that, you’re a person, not just a Mum.’ Whilst sat in the sofa doing fuck all for the children just like he has for 8 years! If that’s household money that’s spare it should be shared not spent on his hobby or preferences.

RogerR4bbit · 20/10/2025 09:33

Say the motorcycle is £6k. Insurance £500. Helmet, leathers, waterproofs, boots, hi viz, road tax etc another £1k, that’s £7.5k.

Will you get £7.5k to spend on yourself?

If he spends two hours on a Sat “tinkering” with the bike, then goes for a two hour ride, will you get four hours to yourself; child free?

Perhaps you could save up the time and Monty he spends on the bike and go for a long weekend away a few times a year to even things out?

ineedtoknow123 · 20/10/2025 09:33

Yabu. Let him have his joy and you really need to find something for yourself too so you aren't resentful. Tell him you would agree but because it would mean he would have time away to do this hobby then he must give you free time to do yours even if yours is in the house, he must takeover.

nightmarepickle2025 · 20/10/2025 09:33

Hope he has good life insurance

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 20/10/2025 09:35

As long as you agree a fair share of free time and funds to do what you enjoy then I would support the motorbike route.

They are great for mental health and are a rare route to make new adult friendships, particularly for men.

Women often make friends around children, through school and kids social events, but men often struggle to make connections in adulthood, and these are healthy.

But if money is too tight to afford a bike just now then it may need to wait until he can make enough savings.

I think it’s really important that you identify some opportunities to find joy for you too. Whether it’s a Zumba class, or girls nights, you’ll need something that refills your bucket too.

Personally I can recommend motorbikes for women too, but it would be hard while you have young children to get out at the same time. But maybe a shared hobby could be fun 😀

GOODCAT · 20/10/2025 09:35

What hobbies do you have and do you get some time away from family? If not, go do it, as it is so healthy for you.

Is money too tight for either of you to do anything that costs money? If not, any spending money should be split fairly between you. If he can still buy a bike, he should.

Brefugee · 20/10/2025 09:36

what would you like to do for you that is similar? Do a deal where you both get at least something of what you want?

JudgeBread · 20/10/2025 09:37

Start enthusiastically looking into something equally expensive and time consuming, talk animatedly about it, wait for results.

If he's supportive and excited about you also having A Luxury Thing and starts getting on board with planning around it then you know that he personally and his bike are not actually the problem, something else is, be that an imbalance in your workload, self imposed "mental load" that could be reduced or shared, etc etc.

If he's reluctant or tries to tell you that you can't afford The Luxury Thing or won't have time for The Luxury Thing then you know there's an imbalance in your actual relationship rather than in your household workload.

PollyBell · 20/10/2025 09:39

Well it doesn't fall on your lap organise or arrange it, is he stopping you or is it because you just expect it to turn up?

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/10/2025 09:41

ineedtoknow123 · 20/10/2025 09:33

Yabu. Let him have his joy and you really need to find something for yourself too so you aren't resentful. Tell him you would agree but because it would mean he would have time away to do this hobby then he must give you free time to do yours even if yours is in the house, he must takeover.

There may not be another £8k for the op though? And how much time does he plan on putting into it? There isn’t another 8 hours of daylight on a Saturday if he’s planning on being out for the first 8.

HumbleCaptain · 20/10/2025 09:43

I would have liked a motorbike but I didn't get one.
We bought a sailing dinghy and DW & I enjoyed sailing. Then we introduced the DCs. Who didn't like it much.

Mostardently11 · 20/10/2025 09:44

I think you should split any fun money. If that means that it takes him much longer to save for a motorbike or he has to get a cheaper one then so be it.

ComfortFoodCafe · 20/10/2025 09:44

What do you want op? What hobbies do you have?

that said, a motorbike is a lot of money and what happens if he falls off? Can he afford time off work? I come from a family who rode motorbikes and my dad injured himself a canny few times on them most of the time it wasnt his fault, he broke his leg once as there was gravel left on the road and he came off. its a dangerous hobby. He stopped riding after that, still has the motorbike in his garage but he won’t ride it. To many idiots on the road too who dont think about bikes neither.

noidea69 · 20/10/2025 09:46

Mega cringy mid life crisis thing for him isnt it? Could be worse i suppose, could come home with a 19 year blonde with big tits.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 20/10/2025 09:49

As long as you get to spend the same amount of money on yourself at the same time - go for it.

In the last couple of years H has bought two new motorbikes and I have enjoyed spending the equivalent in cash.

One of the motorbikes is known as 'the widow maker' ....Grin

PollyBell · 20/10/2025 09:54

noidea69 · 20/10/2025 09:46

Mega cringy mid life crisis thing for him isnt it? Could be worse i suppose, could come home with a 19 year blonde with big tits.

I am not one of them but I know more female motorbike riders than men, are they having a midlife crisis or is it only men that do that?

mindutopia · 20/10/2025 09:56

It sounds like you need to re-evaluate your household finances and your leisure time.

Getting a motorbike, totally fine, but it comes out of his personal spending money, not household money. It should never be a matter of thinking you as a family can or can’t afford it, because this shouldn’t be paid for out of the pot you pay your bills out of. It should come out of his money he’d otherwise spend on clothes for himself or drinks at the pub. My Dh has two motorbikes AND a Land Rover for off roading and about a hundred different push bikes of various sorts (okay, I think it’s only 5, but a lot). No impact on me because bills get paid first and he buys them with his own money. I have my own spending money too (I bought a horse 😂 a motorbike is definitely cheaper!)

Secondly, you need your own leisure time. Sure, he can take the bike out all Sunday afternoon. But you get all Saturday afternoon while he wrangles the kids. Or you get Tuesday evening to go take a pottery class or whatever. I will say though that I think lots of men go through this phase when dc are small. A motorbike feels like freedom. My Dh has 2 of them, plus the off roading 4x4. Do you know how often he uses any of them? Pretty much never. I think the 4x4 last got driven a year ago and the motorbikes I couldn’t even tell you, definitely at least once it the past year years, but not for at least a year or two. There is just no time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jokerwithagin · 20/10/2025 09:56

OP, I used to be resentful of my DH who carved time out in the weekend for his hobbies, for the same reason as you - when do I get time to relax and do things just for me when there is so much to get done?

I realised I was being unreasonable. As others have said, I would suggest you take some time to think what activity you can do that is just for you.

What would you have done before you were a mum and a DW? Then carve out the time for yourself. For me, this could be reading quietly in my bedroom, without being disturbed. Just because it is not motorbiking or something that takes you out of the house, doesn't mean you shouldn't make time for it.

If the issue is unequal distribution of housework/childcare, then address this separately. But if you want time for you, work with DH to agree this. As long as he gets time for him (and motorbiking can be a very time-consuming hobby so there may need to be some compromise.)