Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

My cousins husband has a bike and now if they go anywhere as a family he rides it and she has to shlep the kids and luggage in the car. Which is a nice little get out of work pass. He’s always been a crap dad and partner though.

Sound like you can’t afford it, so tell him firmly that it’s not happening with family money. And this has made you realise that it’s time for a discussion about a fairer division of labour in the family. Honestly don’t put up with him having all of the freetime and freedom. He sounds like a selfish twat.

You need to sort that. Otherwise it will cause so much resentment. Do you work full time?

So, again, that's what you need to address.

It is but how does she ‘address’ it? Because ‘addressing’ it to me is saying perfectly reasonably ‘look, DH, you already have quite a bit of time to yourself and we don’t have enough money for the bike apart from anything else.’ Addressing it doesn’t mean we have to disappear from the house for the same amount of time!

Well, I would be saying "right, well considering you already go to the gym twice a week and now want a bike, we need to sit down and figure out how I'm going to get the same amount of time off to do X".

Controlling what a grown adult does in their free time doesn't go down well. Both parties should be able to get out of the house for 3-4 hours each without it being some massive drama.

He already does.

It isn’t about it being a drama, it’s simply that children are work, a lot of work. And if one parent isn’t stepping up as we like to say on here, the other is by default forced to.

I have no desire at all to control anybody’s free time but if you’re agreeing to have children with someone then you do have to consider them and your partner when spending money or being out of the house. If you really don’t want to do that, you’re better staying child free. In the same way that when I lived alone I’d leave the bathroom a mess as it didn’t matter, I wouldn’t do that in a shared space as it’s inconsiderate. It’s just about considering the impact (financial and emotional) your desires have on the rest of the family.

Part time . I get a couple of days off during the week . That's when I try to do the shopping and errands. Sometimes I go to the gym or I meet friends.

So you have two full days off a week? Sounds more than fair.

Bet you there is, there were loads of dates available when I booked mine last week. You just have to be quick and not mind that you’ll probably be out with a bunch of 17 year old lads!

Why does virtually everything with the dc fall on you? Are they really little? I imagine not if you both have licenses allowing a full bike license. Why doesn’t your dh do more? That seems to be what needs addressing.

Re a horse, you don’t have to buy one, just have lessons!

Maybe worth logging the time you spend doing household and child-related jobs. Add it to the hours you work. Same for him. Add up the time he spends doing his own things. Add up the equivalent for you. Have the numbers there in black and white so that you can discuss sensibly how the two of you can both have similar amounts of time and money for your own activities and interests.

Oh, I thought you work full time. If you have several days a week for yourself with the DC in school, I would assume that time wise, you definitely have the better deal.

It's just stuff I'd like honestly. Sorry to be so basic!

And what does he do around the house and with the kids? Sounds like he’s just a part-time husband/father (and trying to cut the hours down even more).

(The guy over the road has a motorbike and as well
as riding it, he’s outside a lot tinkering with it 🙄)

I know you said you don’t want to do Zumba but I think you should take up something (anything, initially) just so that you can ‘claim’ some time for yourself and even up the balance a bit. Secure some regular time for yourself now - you can decide how to fill it later on. Let him take full responsibility of the kids and house for a bit.

The training centre appears to be closed on my days off. I'm sure provisional motorbike entitlement comes as standard, although it may be for over 24 years olds . I don't know if younger riders have to specifically apply.
Interestingly enough , horse riding lessons aren't any cheaper than motorcycle lessons.

He must think the fairies do all the shopping and the laundry .

I find my days are spent doing things for everyone else . Im not doing fun things for me . Dh spends his days off doing things he wants to do , like playing on the ps5.

You still need the CBT.

I’m a rider, £50 for 30 minutes private lesson. I had my own for years, but I’d rather not have the expense currently.

What's stopping you doing 'fun things for you' on your days off?

If you're not getting the opportunity in the evenings and at weekends, take it during the week. You have 2 days when DC are at school, so use at least one of them for you, not everyone else.

If you want to get a motorbike and the only thing stopping you is your days off not coinciding with the test centre opening, can you book a day's leave or swap a day?

If you want to do something else, do it. Get the shopping delivered, leave the laundry, cleaning etc.

Put yourself first. He does that for him so do the same for you.

So that needs to change, you sound-quite rightly-very resentful.

Mine bought a motorbike a few years ago. I think he was in the throes of a midlife crisis and wasn't thinking rationally. I tried to convince him otherwise and inject some logic/lend some perspective. He's one of the clumsiest, accident prone people I have ever met so I could predict the outcome. He spent thousands on a new bike and all the trappings only to go on to topple over with a heavy bike landing on top of his leg travelling at about 5mph in a supermarket carpark. Ended up in hospital under the orthopods awaiting surgery with a lot of metal work to repair said leg. I walked onto the ward to visit him as soon as I found out. I said nothing about the bike. My look said it all.

I know I need the cbt . I mentioned about looking into booking on earlier in my thread.
Horse riding does seem rather costly. The sessions are shorter too, for the horse's welfare.

I’d be disappearing for my days off to match his PlayStation time. Start rebalancing op.

I will start trying to do more fun things on my days off and put myself first a but .
January will be the earliest due to how much we have on in the run up to Christmas ( both at work and as a family) so that is something I can plan for.

My DH wanted to get a motorbike, not a problem as far as I was concerned but I thought, stuff it, if he's doing that then I'm going to take up horse riding again (had done it my entire childhood but had a break of over 10 years) - so I did, then I got my own horse. DH was happy enough to have the kids while I'd go off for a whole morning, so then vice versa I was happy for him to go off. It kept me sane through the trials of childrearing (my DD was only 2 when horse was acquired!!)

Many years later and I don't think DH has owned a motorbike for nearly a decade now, but I've still got the horse 🤣

So again, you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

You have two days a week all to yourself - make the most of them! What is it that you’re doing for everyone else for 12 hours that’s so important?