Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

It's being a solidarity activity that only benefits him that annoys me. At least a camper van could be used by us all.

I did say that when he first started going on about it. He laughed and then he took his test.

Talk to him.
Calculate available funds and split them 50/50, each to use as you like. Also the same amount of free time.
If you are doing more than your fair share of work then address that too.

We do have so many other things that need our attention and money

https://youtube.com/shorts/4HG7cLc8HiU?si=_KoqXjhVqN9lft6o

You need to find your equivalent and make sure you get equal leisure time. Perhaps say that you like the idea and you'd like a bike/ horse too ;)

It's that muggins here will be looking after the dc while he is out doing that .

YABU. There is no reason for your husband not to have a motorbike. But you have to be proactive in carving out your own activities and hobbies - you can't just sit and wait for stuff to happen. Let this be the encouragement you need to find your own interests.

No not a horse. I don't want to be responsible for another living creature's life.

Sorry, I’d be more concerned about accident and injury, or worse. Does he have life insurance?

You don't have to actually want one, you could use it as a price and time comparison. If he gets a motorbike and is out of the house at all hours tinkering and riding it and pouring money into it and all the accessories, then tell him you are going to get a horse and do the same.

It might show him how unequal things are.

Budget it with him, enthusiastically. The cost of the bike, maintenance, gear, petrol, insurance etc and work out how often he might want to be away. Then create an equally large fund of money and time for yourself and enthusiastically discuss with him when you can get started on it. He will then realise it is unaffordable and that his plan is selfish.

I've never understood women who sit back and allow this sort of inequality to go unchallenged. A school mum's husband went on endless rugby fan trips all over the world, several times a year, costing thousands and eating into his holiday allowance. I asked if she went away as often and she just blinked like a baby owl. That wouldn't be possible.

can you shoehorn in some more sexist stereotypes?

You forgot to add in time and money for rider training as you can't just jump on a motorbike and ride off. Once he has this bike, he'll start wanting a bigger, more powerful bike as, unlike a car licence, you can't just pass your bike test and get a big bike, you have to work up to it. Source? Ex-partner was a biker and had been since he was 17, working up from a moped to a 1250cc when we split up. It's a big commitment in both time and money. OP's hubby may have to wait a few years before he can indulge himself. Meantime, OP should find herself an outlet that isn't house or kids and tell hubby how she feels.

£6K for a motorbike??? I've just brought one brand new from the factory £1200!

Really hope he won’t get one. Makes me think of a family I know, dad go on motorbike to ride to work and was killed, leaving two young kids. This really isn’t the right stage if life to get a motorbike.

I hope he doesn't drive a car either! I know someone who was killed in a car accident 5 minutes after dropping her kids off at school!
You're actually statistically more likely to be killed in a car than on a motorbike!
But hey! Whatever!

I think this massively depends on how much ‘spare’ money you guys have & how much time to do something of your choosing you both get. It is a lot of money (my husband had bikes for years-only swapped to a car around 5 years ago) & it can undeniably be dangerous as you’re very vulnerable on a bike if there is an accident- you have to be incredibly observant & careful when you’re a biker.My husband rode for for more than 10 years & avoided any serious accidents thankfully-I know many bikers who haven’t been so lucky.

What are you doing day to day with the DC that makes it feel relentless and like you can't have time to your self? Maybe if you tell us why you feel like you don't have time for yourself we can all help.

If your DC are still small then I'd be saying no to a motorbike due to the huge cost plus the fact they are so dangerous and it just looks like an obvious ploy for your DH to spend vast amounts of time escaping from family life and the responsibilities he has there 🤷‍♀️ hobbies when mine were that age included the odd night out with friends. or an exercise class. A handful of weekends away (each) per year without our DC. A yoga class. A cinema trip. With young DC we had little spare money and any we had was ploughed into savings or spent on a family holiday or over paying on the mortgage. So unless you are very financially well-off I'd say no to such a dangerous extravagance. Why do men think it's ok to embark on things like this when their kids are small? V weird in my book.

You are being incredibly unreasonable. You are clearly unhappy with your life and relationship given what you’ve said. He has something he wants to do and you just want to stop it. That’s not fair. I’m coming at this from having been there. My hubby was into bikes from a young age and chose to buy a motorbike with his own money early on in our marriage. I was annoyed and I had no right to be! He had all the kit already and funded it himself. He had proper life and critical illness cover in place too. He dropped dead infront of me 16 months ago from a heart attack. And my biggest regret is my behaviour around his bike. Because life is short and I got ratty about his passion and that wasn’t nice. He always supported me (I have horses and I actually bought another horse in retaliation for the bike, again with my money). So my advice is to grow up, put on your big girl pants, support this hobby and try to find something in life for yourself because you sound pretty unhappy and resentful. And life is too short for that.

Why is it weird for someone to still be an individual just because they have kids? I never stopped being an individual neither did my partner.
I got myself a motorbike and went off on that every few Sundays during the summer whilst he had the kids and cooked Sunday lunch. He played rugby union during the winter months and went to watch rugby league during the summer months.
And we still made time to be a family and have fun as a family together. It meant I wasn't just X,Y&Z's mum and A's partner and for him it was the same.
And there's no huge cost to motorbikes they're cheaper to run a month than a gym membership!
I've just brought a new motorbike brand new from the factory £1200 and my insurance is £60 a month.

You should both have free time. You should do something for yourself rather than preventing him from doing what he wants. I would not be happy if DH tried to prevent me from doing my hobby, just as I wouldn’t dream of stopping him from doing his

Do you challenge him on this?

How much hobby time does he get? What about you?

How would it go if you insisted on taking it in turns? If he spends an hour, evening or a day doing his hobby then you do the same while he looks after DC before he gets his time again. How would that go?

With weekends, you could each have half a day, half a day of family time and then half a day for useful household things like cleaning, DIY etc.

I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

instead of resenting him for finding solutions, why are you not finding solutions for yours?

What would YOU like to do? Plenty of young mums dive into exercise and sport to stay sane, others start a degree, do some craft, the list is endless.

it doesn't matter what everybody else would do, what would YOU like to do. You have the luxury of another parent available to look after your child and have hours of freedom available, use them?

thankfully many mums still have a life even when they have kids, and don't sacrifice everything to become a resentful unhappy person.

Why do men think it's ok to embark on things like this when their kids are small?
it's not just men, but maybe it helps that many men don't feel the need to martyr themselves, and refuse to spend the weekend doing housework which is seen a as a priority to too many women.

I'd refer to, for example, the Organised Mum, who made a business out of "life is too short for housework" while keeping a house as neat and guest-friendly as humanly possible.