Aibu to not want dh to get a motorbike because I don't get the opportunity to do anything similar just for me

[Sneakybat]

Dh has been talking about getting a motorbike for a while . Now I'm not against motorbikes as such , I just don't think as a household we have the money and time for him to spend that sort of money on just him. We have young dc and I don't think now is the time. But he has been putting everything in place for him to be able to have a motorbike.

Now while this is going on , I have been feeling a bit crap about life . I don't have anything to look forward too, I don't have any luxuries for me and I'm actually a bit unhappy. I feel quite resentful about the fact he can do feels he can enrich his life and mine is all about the dc and the house.

There is no special place in heaven for martyrs!

Why are some women such martyrs? You cant tell him "no" thats not how relationships work.

Find your own happiness and fulfilment, dont rely on a partner to find that for you.

The issue is that you don’t have a hobby for yourself, not that he’s getting a bike.

That’s me! I recently did my test and bought my own motorbike. Wife and mum of 2 under 10, full time job, but wanted to do something just for myself, no midlife crisis, just fun and a new community to be a part of 😊

Depends if you also having spending money/savings of your own- do you? OH and I both have our own spending money. I earn a lot less than him so I put less in the joint pot for bills and that means we both get to keep some of our own money to do what we like with.

I would be gutted if my DH wanted to get a motorbike but that’s because my perception of them is that they’re pretty dangerous. Not the bike itself or the rider per se; just that riders are very vulnerable. Many drivers are not careful enough around bikes, and if there is an accident between bike and car, the rider is likely to come off much worse.

I started to feel a bit defensive about all the midlife crisis comments, as I took up motorbikes at 50.

But I thought about it a bit more, in the run to taking the bike up we saw a number of friends and family die young, with hopes and dreams left incomplete. People assume that they can do things later. We decided not to let that happen to us, and to focus on things that we enjoy now.

I know how hard it is when children are young, and unfair balance of loads can lead to resentment and marriage difficulties. We didn’t find a way to resolve within a marriage and I got happily divorced. But I think it’s really important that you take what you need, time for yourself, things that give you joy, and that you also encourage him to do the same so that your lives are filled with things that give you joy. It would allow you to get more out of your time with the children as you feel fulfilled and happy.

Saying an outright no to the motorbike just because you feel jealous not to have something similar isn’t the way to build a healthy relationship.

Think about what you want, go you, not for the family. A camper van is great but doesn’t provide any of the alone recharge function a bike does.

I accept that a regular exercise class doesn’t cost the same value as a motorbike, I was thinking about what I get from a bike nog the ££ to be fair most bikes are a monthly cost rather than a big wedge of cash so the numbers might not be as far apart as you think, monthly costs can be under £100.

I get a lot of fun out of riding, I’m aware of dangers and have done extra training and practice to minimise the risk. However the requirement to focus 100% is the thing that gives the mental health boost, you can’t think about the past or future whilst riding, the focus is in the moment and it offers relief from everyday stress and worries. It’s also given me a great new set of friends, and it works around my busy work and home life.

i hope you’re able to work something out that works for you both. It’s hard being parents, you both need some time to be people too

This is what a “hater” is.

“That’s a great idea DH, I assume I will get allocated the same amount of money/free time for something of my choosing?”

sorry are you calling me a resentful and unhappy person? 🤷‍♀️🤣 on average you have about 10 years with children before they no longer really want to hang out with parents as much. maybe 12 years. in a whole lifetime that's not that much to ask. I used to spend my weekends with my kids & DH when mine were young doing fun things together. Now mine are late teens and early 20s I can do a lot more hobbies and holidays/weekends that are just for me. Also, I definitely don't spend weekends doing housework 🤣

The stuff you’ve said here, have you actually said it to your husband?

You need to talk about your life, and what his plan is for childcare while he does this. When he says you, then you need to ask when you will get equal time to do something crazy that you want.

Just talk to him. Mumsnet can’t help here.

i never stopped being an individual either. Where did i say that? 🙄🤷‍♀️ maybe you were always into motorbikes before you had kids? Plus it sounds like you both get time away from your DC - unlike the OP.

you are completely missing the point.

Spending the weekend doing what you WANT to do is not being a martyr.

Feeling like you are stuck at home AND resenting your partner because they don't get stuck at home on the other hand..

By the time they start Primary, my kids had other things to do than spending entire weekends with us anyway, and good for them. Between birthday parties, clubs, playdates, sport event, school events), they already had a great life, and there was more than enough free time for one of their parent to do their hobbies.

You can have a happy family life AND time to exercise/ do a hobby. Both are necessary for some of us.

The context of this thread is that the OP feels stuck between house and kids and resentful her partner has interests elsewhere, like many other parents have.

If some parents didn't keep their hobby, and most of these "people" happen to be men (not only, we have female coach and ref too), there would be no football coaches, football ref, hockey coach, no tennis coach, no rugby coach....all these volunteers giving up their time for FREE to coach and give that experience to children.

I know for some people it's a business, and you can pay for kids to join clubs, but most of the weekends clubs are still run by volunteers and you only pay the admin fees to cover insurance etc.. , you don't pay a penny towards the work and time of the adults involved.

At least this chap wants to Do something not sit in front of a screen.
Earlier I suggested sailing as a hobby that is suitable for all the family. So far OP I have not seen any ideas from you about activities that involve action or involvement. How about Swimming and SCUBA diving? That also could involve all the family later.
If he wants a motorbike and money is short, suggest he buys a van load of bits and rebuilds it himself. Your man in the shed OP. At least you will know where he is and for him it will be near the kettle.

As I said it's not the money....
Yes realistically he is very likely to crash....how many motorcyclists do you know?
I have vivid memories of a motorcyclists blood dripping onto me through the sun roof of a car I was in....and as I said have a friend who is left caring for her disabled partner as well as the one who had flailed chest from hitting the bollard he left two young children. If your going to drive around at 70 miles an hour with nothing more than leathers and a helmet to protect you it's a big risk.

I have asked if we have the money for me to do this. He has recently passed his full A licence test.
We are both old enough to not be restricted by our ages to the size of bikes we can ride.

I've looked into booking a cbt ( the first step of biker training) but there isn't much availability before new year

I have asked if we have the money for me to do this. He has recently passed his full A licence test.
We are both old enough to not be restricted by our ages to the size of bikes we can ride.

I've looked into booking a cbt ( the first step of biker training) but there isn't much availability before new year

there are horrible accidents, no doubt, and it's a fragile position, but thankfully most motorcyclists I know never had one.

I know 2 people who died in separate fatal car accidents, and another with life changing injuries, it doesn't mean that everyone in a car will experience similar!

I'd rather have a motorbike

Budget is a reason to not have one now

I don't believe in heaven and the dc are so young that somebody does need to be with them.

This isn't about the motorbike
This will be about him bit spending time with his family and leaving all the work to you

Tot up how much time and money he is spending on the bike.
Find an activity you want to do that takes the same time and money.
Tell him you're doing it and see reaction.
If he's supportive, book it and go and have fun. If he's not tell him he's a hypocritical prick and work out your next move.

Whatever you do don't book your CBT in winter when it's cold wet and icy. It'll be miserable. Spring and summer are much better.

So go and find your own hobby or activity and leave him with the kids.

Honestly threads like this baffle me. So she’s being a martyr by looking after the kids while he’s out on the bike - what’s she supposed to do, go and live it up at a gallery? While the children are home alone being cared for by the cat in the hat?