To think I have to move from sheer embarrassment?

[Wowwowweewa]

I’m having new blinds fitted tomorrow so I was trying to move furniture but my sofa was too heavy. I knocked on next door and asked the guy there if he would t mind helping me.

He did, I thanked him and when we were done I offered him a beer. His response was- erm I better not, don’t think my girlfriend would be too pleased. I laughed and said something like “don’t worry, it was just a thank you” and he just said “yeah even so, best be off, have a good rest of your evening”

I don’t fancy this man, arguably he is attractive, definitely the goes the gym type but he’s not my type. But I feel so embarrassed now.

Aibu? I think my house will be up for sale and I hope the buyers enjoy the new blinds.

@bumbaloo

A lot of decent men do this. They aren’t even thinking of whether you fancy them of think they fancy you or not. It’s an automatic reflex. So as not to create any question.

I disagree I think men who do this are small minded insecure preeners who want to endlessly reinforce their status.

Why does there need to be a “question”? I talk to men all the time on a professional and personal basis. It doesn’t cross my mind to wonder about their marital status. Why is this relevant?

I agree, @Thepeopleversuswork. It alternately cracks me up and depresses me that so many posters on here only seem capable of thinking of men in terms of their marital status or as a putative sexual/romantic relationship. They’re also just fellow citizens, walking around in the world like the rest of us.

I think his response was weird and presumptuous, rather than the ‘automatic reflex’ of a ‘decent guy’.

I think some people are being deliberately obtuse.

I also have male friends I go out for a beer with or would invite in for a beer.

Drinking beer is not an issue. Having male friends is not an issue.

I also have colleagues (male, married) I arrange to meet up with for coffee/lunch during the working day.

Lunch and coffee are not an issue either. Male colleagues are not an issue.

I would offer a beer to a male friend who had helped me out.

I'm friendly and chat with the chap next door if we see each other. But, if I ever had cause to ask him to help me with a 5 minute job if my partner wasn't around, I wouldn't invite him to sit with me drinking a beer after the job was done.

I don’t really know him. He's not my friend. I don't know how it would be perceived or what sort of person he is.

It's not the beer or the 'cold drink' or the coffee. It's the situation. I have a different relationship with my friends and colleagues to people who are just my neighbours. As do most people.

@SomeHorse

Yep. As if people walk around with some sort of scanning device on their head all the time looking to see if people are single or not.

I don’t care. Even when I was single I didn’t really care: I was happy to take people as I found them without endlessly searching for clues as to their marital status. Get to know someone before you ask yourself if you want to have sex with them? Or just, you know, treat them like a fellow human being, without immediately considering them as a potential mate. There’s a thought.

So reductive and limited.

FFS I once made a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich for the man who came from Dell to repair my laptop. It was not a come on and he did not take it as one.

I was thinking the same. Last couple of times someone came to do work at my place I gave them lunch. Having said that they were here for a good many hours.

Even if something had briefly crossed the guy's mind he didn't have to express it, could have just said, "Thanks but no, I have to get back now". He made it awkward. Some people are naturally hospitable and offering a drink after doing a job is quite normal in my opinion.

The op did nothing wrong and needs to forget it.

Which is a perfectly reasonable position to hold and most of us go through life like that most of the time. But many people are looking for someone whether to partner up with or just to shag.

And a lot of people have also been in uncomfortable situations where someone has misread signals - both male and female. Many people are aware that it can happen and so feel more comfortable making their position clear for the benefit of everyone.

I'm 51 and I still get hit on/approached/misread by men of all ages at times. My partner had an uncomfortable situation when we first got together because a mutual friend assumed he was interested in her because he was friendly and (to sum it up very briefly) found it difficult to accept he wasn't and let go of that.

Most people do go through life just being friends or treating people like just another person and some people.have found themselves in uncomfortable/awkward/unpleasant situations and like to just be clear.

So, yes, some men will assume they're gods gift and so will some women. But many people would just feel uncomfortable sitting in a house having a beer with someone they didn't really know and where the boundaries weren't necessarily clear or completely unknown.

In those cases, it's absolutely fine for someone to put a boundary in place for themselves without it being a reflection of or casting aspersions on anyone else.

I think it’s the “getting to know you” part that is a bit problematic. If he had stayed for the beer what would they have talked about? They would have been getting to know each other. He quite rightly thought that wasn’t appropriate unless it was about op getting to know both him and his girlfriend as neighbours. Also, why beer? Would op have offered the same to a woman? I very much doubt it. He may have been a bit clumsy but he was trying to set a respectful boundary.

@GreyCarpet if more people were so clear and honest about boundaries the dating world would be much easier to navigate.

Honestly, the pearls being clutched by some on this thread. It's 'not appropriate' for people to get to know each other simply because they have partners and don't have the same genitals as each other?

Golly, imagine if OP's petticoat hem had been visible under her skirts too. Then she'd have jolly well deserved to be paraded through the streets as a tease and a trollop, I suppose. 🙄

This made me laugh as I once offered an A&E nurse some money after she helped me go to the bathroom. She wasn't actually assigned to me iyswim, so I thought I'd show my appreciation by inconspicuously shoving £5 into her hand.
She opened it up and handed it back for the whole waiting room to see.
Then I had to wait another 4 hours wondring what she'd said to her colleagues.
Feelings of pain and shame the whole time!!

Not one person has said that

Its a nice gesture but maybe buying him a 4 pack would have been better. I'm sure its good.

I wouldn’t worry, you were being nice, and he sounds a bit up himself really. You’ve done nothing wrong.

I don’t think he mentioned sex. He just didn’t think it appropriate to drink beer with a single neighbour while his girlfriend was absent. I don’t blame him. He doesn’t know her - for all he knew he could end up being accused of something he didn’t do. Better to be safe than sorry.

Actually, numerous pps have made judgements about what is/isn't appropriate, based solely on the fact that these are partnered people of opposite sexes, and one of them more or less specifically stated that it isn't appropriate to try to get to know someone of the opposite sex if they have a partner. Plus you yourself have fretted about 'intention' and 'aspersions' in your posts. Not everything in the world revolves around sex.

He may not have assumed you fancied him, maybe his GF is the jealous type. Either way, no need for you to be embarrassed, you were just being friendly.

I think I might be tempted to have a bit of fun with it. Maybe wink at him when you see him around - or mention how strong he was moving the furniture and feel his biceps lol.

ETA, might be best not to do this while the GF is about lol.