Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

196 replies

Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:00

Me and DP have been together since 2020 so around five years. We both wanted children and it was discussed a lot early on (we were both in our thirties when we met).

Two years in I was pregnant, it was unplanned as we wanted to be together a little longer before TTC. I had ds and although DP struggled at first as it was all a bit of a shock for us both, he’s been a great dad. DS is now 3. I’m 38 soon and DP is 43. I’ve always been clear I wanted more children and DP has always said the same. I’ve basically done all the hard yards with DS as DP works away a lot.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

I feel like such a fool. I’ve asked him to be honest if he’s changed his mind or to tell me if he wants to delay and why. I don’t get proper answers. I am fed wishy washy answers, the latest being he wants to check his contract will continue after March 2026, even though my salary more than covers our expenses and we both said we wanted another child regardless. Money is not an issue for either of us even if we were out of work for a while (and he won’t be).

I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 19/10/2025 16:05

Is he having an affair OP? I'd do some digging. It sounds suspiciously similar to what happened to friends of mine.

Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:06

tripleginandtonic · 19/10/2025 16:05

Is he having an affair OP? I'd do some digging. It sounds suspiciously similar to what happened to friends of mine.

@tripleginandtonic can never know for sure I suppose but I’m almost certain he’s not. He’s been like this one way or another since I met him.

OP posts:
LadyBrendaLast · 19/10/2025 16:07

I'm so sorry to hear that OP.

It's sounds a very tricky situation and I won't comment on it other than to say I think you are very vulnerable as you are unmarried.

Wishing you the best.

teacupzs · 19/10/2025 16:08

Doesn't sound like he wants another dc. Is there a reason you aren't married?

Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:09

@LadyBrendaLast @teacupzs

I have never been bothered about marriage. I have v wealthy parents so am extremely lucky to have never needed financial protection with a spouse and also have a good income.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:10

@teacupzs yes, if someone said this to me I would say the same. Yet he tells me often he desperately wants three or four! I feel like my head spins and feel so confused and sad about it all.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 19/10/2025 16:10

I wouldn’t of spilt my family up for the sake of a child that may or may not ever exist, no. That said he is being a dick by messing you around when time is not on your side.

hamstersarse · 19/10/2025 16:10

I think you are both overplanning and over thinking and it has all got too serious.

Relax. Enjoy each other. Have some fun. And have another baby

Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:12

ComfortFoodCafe · 19/10/2025 16:10

I wouldn’t of spilt my family up for the sake of a child that may or may not ever exist, no. That said he is being a dick by messing you around when time is not on your side.

@ComfortFoodCafe i think that’s what has got to me, the fact that he has done this to me. I’ve been getting all DS’s bits out of the loft to sort through and he’s been talking about which to throw or which to keep in the hope of a second. Who does that sort of thing to someone if they want to kick the can down the road or domt really want it? I feel honestly sick thinking he could be so cruel

OP posts:
teacupzs · 19/10/2025 16:14

If you are the wealthy one it makes sense to separate but that financial security surely means you really don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't working for you.

teacupzs · 19/10/2025 16:14

stay separate

Dontlletmedownbruce · 19/10/2025 16:17

No i wouldn't. I think YABU and it feels like you are just using him for reproduction. I think you are right to be frustrated with his recent behaviour and lack of clarity, a proper conversation is overdue. But to leave him and split up a family, this seems like a massive over reaction. All couples go through difficult patches and find things about each other they don't like. You don't even mention the impact on your DS, the child you wanted so much. Surely his needs should be your primary concern and your needs second.

FuzzyWolf · 19/10/2025 16:22

I think you need to take some time to think about this. Ultimately you are uprooting your DS’s life because you aren’t going to get to have another child. As a result there is a good chance you will only see your DS for 50% of the time and miss alternate birthdays and Christmases. Think about if this is really what you want before making the decision to end things.

Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:22

Dontlletmedownbruce · 19/10/2025 16:17

No i wouldn't. I think YABU and it feels like you are just using him for reproduction. I think you are right to be frustrated with his recent behaviour and lack of clarity, a proper conversation is overdue. But to leave him and split up a family, this seems like a massive over reaction. All couples go through difficult patches and find things about each other they don't like. You don't even mention the impact on your DS, the child you wanted so much. Surely his needs should be your primary concern and your needs second.

@Dontlletmedownbruce yes I agree with thinking about DS’s perspective but equally I am not sure it’s right to stay with someone who I feel is not honest with me and is playing mind games. Is it not healthier to be apart and alone than stay in that? Ds also mainly sees DP at the weekend as he’s never home for bedtimes anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:23

FuzzyWolf · 19/10/2025 16:22

I think you need to take some time to think about this. Ultimately you are uprooting your DS’s life because you aren’t going to get to have another child. As a result there is a good chance you will only see your DS for 50% of the time and miss alternate birthdays and Christmases. Think about if this is really what you want before making the decision to end things.

@FuzzyWolf thank you. DP’s job would make it almost impossible for him to have DS 50-50.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 19/10/2025 16:23

Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:12

@ComfortFoodCafe i think that’s what has got to me, the fact that he has done this to me. I’ve been getting all DS’s bits out of the loft to sort through and he’s been talking about which to throw or which to keep in the hope of a second. Who does that sort of thing to someone if they want to kick the can down the road or domt really want it? I feel honestly sick thinking he could be so cruel

Show quote history

So clearly he wants a second, how about you both dont talk about it and just see what happens? I think planning takes all the fun & joy out of it and maybe thats how he feels too?

Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:25

ComfortFoodCafe · 19/10/2025 16:23

So clearly he wants a second, how about you both dont talk about it and just see what happens? I think planning takes all the fun & joy out of it and maybe thats how he feels too?

Show quote history

@ComfortFoodCafe I’m 38 soon and he has known for a long time I didn’t want to have children beyond 38. I’ve always been clear about that with him so it feels like he’s lied to me to plan aumtun then do this…

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 19/10/2025 16:26

Is he always a procrastinator? Maybe he is dithering about taking that final (life changing) step?

ContraryCurrentBun · 19/10/2025 16:26

I would check your wealthy parents are ok with assisting if things go wrong. Buying kids stuff like cars when they are setting up as young adults is not always the same as bailing them out as fully matured adults.

Plus there is always how accessible is money.

PlacidPenelope · 19/10/2025 16:27

I think you are right to end things he has been stringing you along and coming up with excuse after excuse. If you cannot sort out why he is doing this it is better for you to end the relationship now raher than drag it out hoping for something that will never happen.

You are fortunate to be in a stable financial position without him so you will be fine from that point of view.

You still have time on your side if you should meet someone and want more children.

Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:28

Mothership4two · 19/10/2025 16:26

Is he always a procrastinator? Maybe he is dithering about taking that final (life changing) step?

@Mothership4two yes he is very much so. But the thing is that fertility isn’t something you can play around with is it? He’s 43. I’m almost 38. He should have been clear if he wanted to postpone rather than telling me autumn and having me choose job roles to suit being a mother too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:29

PlacidPenelope · 19/10/2025 16:27

I think you are right to end things he has been stringing you along and coming up with excuse after excuse. If you cannot sort out why he is doing this it is better for you to end the relationship now raher than drag it out hoping for something that will never happen.

You are fortunate to be in a stable financial position without him so you will be fine from that point of view.

You still have time on your side if you should meet someone and want more children.

@PlacidPenelope thanks. I don’t have much confidence now in meeting someone in time for another child but the thought of staying with someone who has played a part in delaying things and stringing me along feels much worse than not having a second but being with someone who respects me

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 19/10/2025 16:29

Thisissundae · 19/10/2025 16:23

@FuzzyWolf thank you. DP’s job would make it almost impossible for him to have DS 50-50.

Show quote history

Perhaps he will change his job to accommodate and prioritise his only son. Many parents do in the event of a split, it’s just that it’s typically those that don’t who people post about.

Even if it’s not quite 50/50, once your DS is at school, there isn’t much time outside of that and only one birthday and Christmas a year.

2025VibeandThrive · 19/10/2025 16:30

I don’t completely understand, is he saying he wants to wait until March 26?

You both said Autumn, you came off birth control, surely you just need to get ‘trying’? Why the need to separate?

DecemberPlusFebruary · 19/10/2025 16:32

If you don't trust him, move on.

You are financially sorted and have a job that will make being a single parent easier. If you or your parents have the money, you can hire a nanny/cleaner to help out.