Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

[Thisissundae]

Me and DP have been together since 2020 so around five years. We both wanted children and it was discussed a lot early on (we were both in our thirties when we met).

Two years in I was pregnant, it was unplanned as we wanted to be together a little longer before TTC. I had ds and although DP struggled at first as it was all a bit of a shock for us both, he’s been a great dad. DS is now 3. I’m 38 soon and DP is 43. I’ve always been clear I wanted more children and DP has always said the same. I’ve basically done all the hard yards with DS as DP works away a lot.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

I feel like such a fool. I’ve asked him to be honest if he’s changed his mind or to tell me if he wants to delay and why. I don’t get proper answers. I am fed wishy washy answers, the latest being he wants to check his contract will continue after March 2026, even though my salary more than covers our expenses and we both said we wanted another child regardless. Money is not an issue for either of us even if we were out of work for a while (and he won’t be).

I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?

He is messing you about.

You have made a big compromise in your own career. You have said you will follow his career. You have delayed TTC….

How has he reacted to you saying you want to end things?

Has he just been afraid to say “I love you and want to be with you but don’t want another child “? Has he felt that you want a child so badly, more than you want a relationship with him, that he just daren’t admit the truth?

If he had have said that, back in January, how would you have reacted?

If he loves you and wants to be with you he needs to communicate. With honesty. But he isn’t.

Would couples counselling be a possibility?

Yes, I agree with this. He doesn't want more children, but instead of being honest with his life partner he's making nonsense excuses up until it's too late for her.

OP, if you're serious about wanting another child, I'd look into AI/IVF and what being a sole parent would look like. Your relationship may or may not weather this, but if you are certain that you want another child and can find a way to make it work without him, do that. It sounds as if you might be in a position to be able to afford a nanny?

I smell a rat. He's either cheating or doesn't want another. Full of excuses.

I really feel for you. I was married to someone full of excuses (sex issues). Dh now is the total opposite. I still get on with ex but he basically lied. He didn't want me or any woman.

I hope you'll be ok.

@Thisissundae what things does he think haven't been planned enough?

How is he putting your health at risk?

Look you clearly don't want to answer many questions being asked. Fair enough, that's your choice to make. But it's impossible to help if you're going to be such a closed book.

I’d just say I’m done waiting and I’m done talking and I’m done being the only one who compromises and then you lying to my face about everything. I’m not going to buy a bigger house, I’m not going to relocate for your job - why should you get that huge amount of support from me for what you want when you don’t give me any support at all? I’m going to look into options for a sperm donor next week, so our child might have a sibling.
and end conversation. He’s lost the right to be part of your thinking and decisions, and he’s lost the right to have his wants put first in your relationship. No house hunting, no relocation, put the energy he wanted you to put into him into your own future. He can see how it feels to not be catered to or know you’re waiting on his wishes and he has all the power.

Are you sure it's about the TTC? My husband is the same age as yours abd he claims that age has greatly reduced his sex drive. Maybe it's just that, maybe his is concerned about his job or maybe something is worrying him that he doesn't want to burden you with.

But it’ll affect him emotionally.

And what about when you and your ex meet new partners and eventually introduce those to your son? and their existing children (sons new step siblings?). What if your ex goes on to have another child with someone else (a very real possibility).

The impact of your break up isn’t just immediate - your sons life will change dramatically over time.

Thats not to say you shouldn’t split - but you need to realise the split is a big deal on all of you.

I totally understand how you must feel and usually the advice on here is to do exactly what you've done. He's being selfish and cruel as well as being cowardly. He doesn't want another child but wants to keep you and DS. He should have been honest.

Finally, the real answer.

OP you need to step back and look at this again. You spoke endlessly about children when you first got together but he wasn’t ready. Two years into the relationship, surprise! It’s happened now, nothing to be done but be a dad before he wants it to happen. You say yourself he struggled with this. Now you’re on at him again; is it now? Can it be now? Time is running out. Tick tock.

He probably does feel like theoretically he wants more kids. He likes the idea. But in his mind he didn’t have much choice in timing the first time around. It came as a shock and he wasn’t ready. He felt out of control. Now, again, you’re trying to pin down a time and pressuring for definitive answers. He still isn’t ready. He wants some level of control and to feel really, truly ready this time. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s deliberately gaslighting you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want another child either. It means he wants to make this decision and for it to happen when it feels right. He thinks autumn will be a good time to have ducks in a row, then autumn comes round and he has more anxieties. Perhaps thinking again about how much he struggled the first time.

Or, perhaps, he really doesn’t want kids and he’s waiting out the clock. How did the pregnancy come about the first time? Was it failed contraception on your part or did he not use any?

YANBU. He has moved the goal posts. I know it is hard to conceive as you get older and in your shoes I would probably have made the same decision.

If he is open to counselling and he is willing to expand your family together I might take him back. But for me it would be a deal breaker.

Are you only having sex because you want to conceive?

It is mean of him to move the goal posts , which he may do again when March comes around.

Your DH doesn’t want another child. If my DP kept pressuring me like how you are then I’d break up with him. You’re only thinking about yourself. You’re not thinking about your DH or son who are happy with a family of three.

I think you may have missed that he's actively avoiding sex yet lying and saying it's her fault. He clearly doesn't want another baby and his slimy squirmy lying would 100% have me packing my bags

YANBU. Your frustration is understandable.

But I wouldn’t give up at this hurdle if you love each other and your relationship is generally good - or as good as it can be for parents of a toddler!

This appears to be the problem:

He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way

Were there any issues with sex before you stopped using contraception?

It’s not uncommon for people who have young children, and are working long hours, to be too exhausted to have much sex but then feel obliged to ‘perform’ as part of family planning to conceive. It can really affect some people and put them off.

Could this be the root of the problem? Could it be a matter of getting a bit more romance going: going out together, spending quality time together at home, having a laugh, enjoying each other’s company and letting sex come more naturally because you both really want to rather than to conceive.

Most parents have to really work at their relationship together, as there are so many things that make it hard to have the free and easy romance (and time for each other) you had pre-kids. You have to have a lot of empathy for each other.

He’s obviously got a barrier and is making excuses because he feels he can’t tell you or even face it himself. Couples counselling may help you to be able to be honest and listen to each other.

Ultimately, it depends what outcome you want for both you and DS. If you end the relationship, you may not have another child (and certainly not a full-sibling for DS) and DS could grow up in a family of two, rather than three, which could be quite lonely. So could you consider delaying some more or staying with DP with DS as an only child? If it all works out, you then have the chance of another child and to be a family of four. Some people struggle to have children later in life but I had my DS2 and DS3 late 30s and early 40s: no problem conceiving or pregnancy. So it’s possible.

I'm just on page 1, but OP I don't think he does want a second. Look at his actions, not his words. Any man in his mid-forties with a partner approaching their forties who has already been through having one child knows the score, he knows it's quite possibly now or never. Like you say, he's risking your health with these silly delays. So I genuinely think it's that he doesn't want it and he's delaying telling you until you're too old to be able to split and meet someone else and have the chance of a second, sadly.

I had a kinda similar thing, only we planned two, had one, then when 6-12m after our kid had passed I mentioned saving bits for the next one, and DH said he had realised he was one and done. It took several years honestly of trying to work through it, oscillating between him trying to convince himself to want a second and me trying to convince myself to being happy one and done, weighing up what life would be like if we split or stayed together, at times DH said look, he can't have another (there were lots of valid reasons) and he gives me his blessing if I need to leave cos I can't be happy with him anymore, at times DH said he would try but only if I knew he would be hoping it didn't work which I obviously couldn't do. I wanted him to want another and could never have gone through with trying with a father that didn't want the baby. All the while seeing close friends get pregnant with seconds, thirds, and just grieving and aching for the potential baby while hating myself for not being present and fully joyful and happy with the amazing child I already was lucky to have.

We had marriage counselling and it was helpful as it enabled us to both address the issue instead of silently processing, seething, suppressing, it forced us to talk through our feelings and thoughts and felt like we were tackling the problem together for a change rather than as opposite sides. It did help and was well worth the money.

Eventually I had to close the decision myself, and tell myself that we're one and done for good, so I could grieve properly instead of having that glimmer of hope. And ultimately after time I started to genuinely appreciate being one and done and come round to DH's rationale. After our child started school I began to see so many other OAD families and feel less like an anomaly depriving my kid of a sibling. I'm at the point now where if DH said oh I've changed my mind, let's have another, I think I would decline, for my own reasons this time, not his (I could just be kidding myself, I guess I wouldn't know for sure unless that happened but as far as I know, this is how I feel).

I'm a year younger than you but with health issues that means I'm likely infertile anyway and was lucky to have one, so that's easier too as it's another factor closing the door.

But I had to decide for myself... do I want to be with this husband, with our child, or split, and possibly not meet anyone else in time, and have a blended family? No, I didn't want that at all. I wanted another with this husband. And if I couldn't have that, then I want us together regardless. I've seen other families where the dad does very little and he's happy to go along with whatever the wife wants, however many kids she prefers, because it doesn't materially impact his life in any real way. He doesn't change his hobbies, or work, or health, so what's another kid? Whereas for us, DH is a fantastic father that puts in at least his 50%, always has since day one. And if we had a second it would impact him as much as me in nearly every way. So I try tell myself it's better to have an amazing co-parent/father than one that is disengaged and doesn't take the question of another kid very seriously.

Ultimately OP you have choices, you can choose to accept this and stay, you can choose to leave, whether you end up with another or not. But that's for you to decide. Your boyfriend can't take a second away from you. It just won't be with him. If you don't want the relationship how it is now, with one child, you can leave. I highly recommend therapy together at least so you can get some clarity and figure out how to separate peacefully if it comes to that.

I'm sorry you're here, it's an enormously painful position to be in. I used to think I wish we could try and not succeed as at least we'd be on the same page grieving together. When one partner wants one and the other doesn't it's excruciating because it makes you into enemies on opposite sides. I felt quite embarrassed at times that my DH wouldn't impregnate me, like what's wrong with me?

But my DH was always open and honest and understanding, didn't waver or lead me on, it was clear to me we were both trying our best in a horrible situation, whereas it sounds like yours is being deliberately dishonest, leading you on while your fertility ticks away, and disregarding your right to make plans for your life by dangling it then coming up with reasons not to. I can truthfully say if my DH had acted like yours is I would have left. That's no relationship when the trust has gone.

Absolutely I would not be moving for such a man and getting stuck living somewhere, unable to move.

The switch in you is your gut warning you something is off and trying to protect you.

Without giving a really wordy answer, all I'm getting from that is that he doesn't want to have another baby. And I think it's really obvious if you're an outsider.

It's not a reason to stay in a relationship with him though.

First post nails it. There's another woman. There's always another woman. He's stringing you along while he either a. Sees how that pans out or b. Gets his ducks in a row to leave. Meanwhile, you're tying yourself in knots trying to figure out what he wants based on the garbled messages he's giving you.

Do you actually love him?

Sorry op he’s playing you. He wants you to get to the cut of age you have set then he expects you to say oh never mind it’s too late now. Go with your gut it doesn’t sound like you need him and he’s not exactly wanting you right now so what’s left. He isn’t being honest because he’s a coward he is stalling you so you decide not to bother. Just tell the games are over if he wants another dc it starts now or if he doesn’t he leaves now no other choice for him.

This - also if you were to find another partner and have another child, your child will most probably not be the favourite and be treated differently by your new DP as you can read on many threads on MN.

Is there a gentle, non-ultimatum way you can tell him that this gaslighting is making you think about leaving the relationship? That is, does he realise what is at stake?

Your health and fertility, but also your trust and goodwill?