Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

[Thisissundae]

Me and DP have been together since 2020 so around five years. We both wanted children and it was discussed a lot early on (we were both in our thirties when we met).

Two years in I was pregnant, it was unplanned as we wanted to be together a little longer before TTC. I had ds and although DP struggled at first as it was all a bit of a shock for us both, he’s been a great dad. DS is now 3. I’m 38 soon and DP is 43. I’ve always been clear I wanted more children and DP has always said the same. I’ve basically done all the hard yards with DS as DP works away a lot.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

I feel like such a fool. I’ve asked him to be honest if he’s changed his mind or to tell me if he wants to delay and why. I don’t get proper answers. I am fed wishy washy answers, the latest being he wants to check his contract will continue after March 2026, even though my salary more than covers our expenses and we both said we wanted another child regardless. Money is not an issue for either of us even if we were out of work for a while (and he won’t be).

I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?

@Thisissundae what was his reaction when you ended it?

I agree with you, he doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you and stringing you along, agreeing to a plan/timetable then bringing up all manner of things to block and not tell you why is cruel and unfair.

He shouldn’t mess you around but if you’re nearly 38 and leave him are you planning to meet someone else and get pregnant very soon? Are you ok to potentially be a single mother because it doesn’t work out ? What if that person can’t conceive with you?

Your child will be torn away from his father for a new step daddy and half sibling, just because you want a second child.

You don’t mention anything about loving your partner? Do you?

Basically you have lost trust in him because his actions don’t match his words. I don’t see any way back from this and I think commenters who are wailing about ds having to be 50/50 are missing the wood for the trees. Should a woman stay with a man who deceives and future fakes her for another 20-40 years? What kind of a life is that?

So you met when you were about 32 & had your son when you were about 34?

I mean that sounds about right to me.

Tbh if I would have wanted to ttc way before now.

He does seem to be making excuses.

If you don't trust him anymore then there's no point carrying on I wouldn't have thought.

Best to split.

Although I'd be doing it to get the new "normal" established rather than with a view to finding someone else to have a kid with tbh.

He works a lot and never is around for bedtime or morning. Most weeks DS doesn’t seem him until Friday night when he finishes a bit earlier! I don’t think Ds would notice a change other than us all not going out as often, but he does things with DP already at weekends on his own while I shop or tidy and prepare for the week etc.

DP says I’m a great mother and wonderful partner and he ‘can’t wait’ to have a second. Yet there’s always an excuse. Makes me feel utterly shit and then I have to keep going and stay positive and trust him, like I did since January to autumn, only for him to mess me about and make me feel like an utter fool, just another year older.

Would you care to explain why you'd think that?

@Thisissundae well that went from 0 to 100 very quickly!

why did you come off contraception & plan to have another child with him when you don't love him? Or trust him?

if you did love him & trust him in August, how can you have stopped in a few weeks, when he hasn't done anything other than 'procrastinate or worry' about something?

you don't seem to have talked about it properly or tried to work through it.

it seems like a very knee jerk reaction & no, I wouldn't have done it to him or DS.

Since you ask, it sounds like a massive overreaction to break up a family because of what you have described here. Why don't you have a honest conversation (without judgment) about why he appears to be in two minds, and what his concerns and fears are. He does sound like he is deflecting, but not necessarily that he is playing mind games. Your current attitude to him appears very transactional, which I'm sure he is picking up on, which would be reason enough to be in two minds about bringing another child into the equation. Do you actually love him?

I think he is getting a bit anxious about the responsibility of having another child. It is understandable but shouldn’t stop you going ahead. You have to reassure him that as this is something you both want everything will be fine in the end.

I know it’s not possible but I’d like to hear his version of this. It’s the comment about you being clinical about sex. Are you only having sex when you’re most likely to conceive? If so it may make him feel that you only want him as a baby maker. He sounds like he’s testing your love for him. This isn’t a dig at you OP but he may be feeling a little insecure. You’ve made it plain here that you don’t need him and maybe he feels those vibes at home

You come across as very focused on having another child and he has already told you that he thinks you are being clinical. That’s not attractive or arousing for anyone.

If he thinks you only want to be with him so he can impregnate you, then it’s understandable that he is being cautious about having another child with you because that’s not a basis for a healthy relationship.

@AutumnCosy2025 we agreed this in January for summer then he wanted to make it autumn. I’ve compromised for him and in my opinion he’s putting my health at risk by delaying.

@FuzzyWolf true but it’s come to a head because he’s constantly moved the goalposts.

@Happyher thanks, it could be that I suppose. I am quite independent. I’m not totally convinced though as I’ve looked at schools with him for DS in his hometown as he wants to move back there and I’ve done all sorts to show I’m invested. We’ve used contraception previously and I’ve not only had sex during fertile times, I didn’t even consider sex with ttc until autumn, as that’s what we had agreed.

So basically, all that matters to him is what he wants, not what you want. Can you suggest marital counselling to help you both have a proper conversation about this? Because it sounds like he’s currently incapable of being honest with you.

@fireandlightening do you not think it’s mind games to tell me I’ve not thought about planning things properly when we’ve literally had those exact conversations many times previously? Genuine question, not trying to be offhand with you!

Yes he likely does see it as transactional now as I don’t feel I can truly trust what he says about ttc. I don’t feel I have caused that though. I do love him but I expect the same respect I give to him which was a lot of conversation and compromise (on my part).

It all sounds very transactional to me. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him and share your life with your son and partner? All your post is about you. Perhaps he is unsure, perhaps he doesn't know. Do you keep interrogating him to get what you want? Does he feel he can't get it right for getting it wrong with you having wealthy parents who you can run home to when things get a bit wobbly? Perhaps he deserves a partner who loves him for who he is and not for all the he did, he didn't, poor me stuff.

It must seem very frustrating that he's now seemingly putting up all these reasons to postpone TTC. If I were you I would also think he's just hoping to stall until time runs out.

If it's really essential you have to say we start now or the relationship will end.

He probably doesn’t want another child now that his son is at an easier age. I always wanted two but I’ve changed my mind. He’s probably worried about your reaction. Don’t break up with him if the only reason is because he doesn’t want more children. You’re also 38 so your chances of meeting someone and giving your child a half sibling is very slim.

I agree @Thisissundae he’s either on board or not now - you’re 38, he’s 43, risks for you and the potential baby are only increasing. The sex is clinical sounds like another stalling tactic to me.

the question is, even if he agreed now, have you lost respect for him as a partner anyway?

@DiscoBob when I said that in January he said I was giving him an unfair ultimatum. So I asked him what he wanted and he said when we had purchased a bigger house (we already have four bedrooms!), I then compromised with autumn.

I just feel constantly in limbo.

@MrsDoubtfire1 when he wanted to push it back to autumn I put it out of my mind and enjoy sex with him and only mentioned a second child in terms of throwing things out when we had a big house tidy. I was explicitly clear in January that if he didn’t want another child he should be honest with me. I didn’t pressure him and actually said if you don’t want one the worst thing to do would be to say you do and not be honest with each other. Im genuinely not sure how else I could have approached it?

I see your point. But 'mind games' assumes a certain intent on his part to mess with you (and for what purpose??), and it just might be that he is flailing around and bringing up things (not well thought out) to postpone something he is uncomfortable with. Isn't it worth finding out why he is in two minds and have an honest conversation about his fears rather than assuming he's playing mind games and end it? Are there other issues in your relationship that you are resentful of?

In any case, your life and your decision, but based on the information you have provided, I certainly wouldn't end a relationship with an otherwise good bloke, who is also the father of my young child.

I think I'd be feeling the same as you do. He's future faked then guilted you, until you've but reached the limit you've always had for TTC. It does feel like a deliberate strategy, and I'm not sure how you get past that. Once the trust has gone, it's gone. How can you ever believe him again? Wait until autumn, spring, new house, new job, on and on.

@fireandlightening yes I do think it’s a deeper fear and he is quite emotionally fearful. I know he’d be great with a second and I do think he does want it. But how much of my life am I supposed to give to coaching him and supporting him? I’ve done that a lot. I really really have. I am endlessly patient and supportive. I don’t feel I should miss my chance of more children with a 43 year old man who can’t grow up…