Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

[Thisissundae]

Me and DP have been together since 2020 so around five years. We both wanted children and it was discussed a lot early on (we were both in our thirties when we met).

Two years in I was pregnant, it was unplanned as we wanted to be together a little longer before TTC. I had ds and although DP struggled at first as it was all a bit of a shock for us both, he’s been a great dad. DS is now 3. I’m 38 soon and DP is 43. I’ve always been clear I wanted more children and DP has always said the same. I’ve basically done all the hard yards with DS as DP works away a lot.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

I feel like such a fool. I’ve asked him to be honest if he’s changed his mind or to tell me if he wants to delay and why. I don’t get proper answers. I am fed wishy washy answers, the latest being he wants to check his contract will continue after March 2026, even though my salary more than covers our expenses and we both said we wanted another child regardless. Money is not an issue for either of us even if we were out of work for a while (and he won’t be).

I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?

Yes he has lied and strung along the OP.

If he doesn't want another child or does but not yet, then why is he not being honest with the OP and actually telling her that? Instead he is just making excuses and putting blocks in the way.

Wow, you are really worked up about this. Well, we can only go by what OP says, so unless she's made it all up, he has absolutely lied and future faked her. (That's a real thing, by the way - you can google it. You might learn something.) She feels betrayed and disrespected and that's why she's ending it. Her choice. Do you not think she should have the choice?

Absolutely. And it sounds like OP is doing exactly that. Being a good parent to her kid and ALSO advocating for herself and her own needs and boundaries.

The bit that jumped out at me was him talking about you ‘having sex in a clinical way’. I think we expect men will just be delighted with the extra ttc sex but during a period of secondary infertility I discovered that DH was feeling used by my ability to go through the motions a bit at times for the sake of ttc, but at other times when I wasn’t quite in the mood I wouldn’t feel able to turn it on like that. How he felt about it made sense to me, and sex is much more how he feels loved than it is for me. I think it’s hard for him to understand that my libido was just higher at that time of the month as well so that was a big part of how it was possible to get things going whether I was in the mood or not.

It may not be the case here but I am wondering if he’s feeling that you are v focused on ttc and feeling insecure about how you feel about him, so looking for reassurance that you are in it with him, whatever? I mean maybe you are not, given the reaction you’ve had, and he senses that?

She should have a choice but it 100% be a choice of what's best for her existing child rather than herself.

Yes I get angry about this sort of thing for many personal and professional reasons. People massively underestimate the impact of separated families and children having different fathers to the siblings.

I get why you're upset. If he told you in January he didn't want more children, you could have used this time to come to terms with having one child. Instead he's promised a future for this autumn that he's taken away again. He's either massively procrastinating or is just a coward and doesn't want to tell you the truth. It's very unfair on you at your age. I wouldn't want to be TTC at 40 either (fair play to those that do, it just sounds harder than in 30s).
I think you need to tell him that he has a month to decide whether he's one and done and tell you the truth. You can't live in limbo until your fertility runs out. I wouldn't mention breaking up. A decent partner would know things playing on your mind is hard work. Christ I wouldn't tolerate my partner flipflopping over their plans for Christmas for months, let alone something as important as this!

I think he has cold feet and already had cold feet in January.
But he knows very well that a second child is important to you and saying No I dint want to is frightening. He risks loosing his family with a wife that so far has happily indulged him (in waiting, moving close to his family, big house etcetc….)
From what you said, I’m not sure he’d have said Yes to your ds if things hadn’t been forced upon him iyswim.

And maybe it’s not fully conscious so you can’t call that ‘mind games’ but imo it doesn’t matter. It still makes you feel disrespected. Even more when he tells you you’re ’clinical About it whilst at the same time telling you ‘it’s not planned well enough and should wait’.

Im afraid I’m with you there @Thisissundae
Having cold feet, being frightened etc… is all well agd good but he can’t expect you to parent him, soothe him etc… whilst never taking any responsibility himself, at the very least by actually accepting and saying he is frightened.
But by doing that, you’re not playing tge ‘good wife’ playbook that requires women reassure, take upon themselves, convince and generally fan over the man in their life so they have as little inconvenience asosibke (such as not making sex clinical and a chore. Never mind you’ve hardie started tryimg!)

@LadyRoughDiamond well yes, it’s a post from my perspective and how I feel about my relationship with DP.

He says he wants another. But his actions scream he doesn't.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.
So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

He's not just future faking you, he's gaslighting you. He's bringing up stuff as new when it's things you've already discussed and agreed on. You likely sense that and that's why you've had that recent inner shift.

I would have done the same. You really don't have a year to give to counseling here. If your partner was so fearful about having another child that he won't have sex with you and starts gaslighting you, it's game over. The trust is gone.

Why is there always the assumption on here that women need to be married for protection? Most modern women are financially independent, many are better off financially than there partners so actually in a better position unmarried.

OP, what have you said to him and what was his reaction? I can't tell if you're thinking about telling him it's over & want advice, or actually have and want support?

That’s not the OP’s issue just now though.

Instead she us tryimg to decide whether she can or not stay in a relationship with someone who can’t actually be straight with her on a subject that is important to her.

@Hoodlumboodlum but us breaking up on a practical level won’t have any impact on DS. I agree it would be a harder decision if his everyday life was turned upside down.

Why isn't she allowed to make a choice that's best for herself? Is that a blanket rule you make for all mothers - their choices must be 100% about the kids and no part of it for their own wellbeing? What made you think that way?

Why would it be better for a child to grow up with two parents who resent one another, one who is desperately unhappy about having her choice taken away from her, and the other who is unable to commit to his family, rather than to grow up in a happy household, potentially with a step-sibling? I don't understand.

@DivorcedAndDelighted he has just done exactly what I anticipated which is to say he wants to talk and then repeats he wants to ttc and loves us both so much but… can’t ttc yet and the aumtum plan isn’t realistic as we apparently haven’t planned things enough. Despite the fact I’ve given up literally hours and hours of time discussing and agreeing to aunt uk. It’s exhausting

OP wants more children and partner doesn't, but he won't admit it and is gaslighting her and lying to her to keep her around while he waits out the end of her fertility, whether conscious or unconscious I don't know but with the same end result.

They're incompatible on the subject of children.

If you hadn't gotten accidentally pregnant, he likely would have done what he's doing now.

Sounds to me like he doesn’t want another child and is happy with life just as it is. He’s focusing on his career and the next move I think. It’s like the bloke who doesn’t want get married or have kids with one woman but commits in every sense to the next one! I’ve seen it happen a few times.

I would give him a hard deadline of one month to make a decision while you plan what you will do if the answer is no. You don’t have to be a victim in all of this. 38 is just about fine if you have a child with him but pushing it if you need to start over with someone new.

Is he usually considerate of what you want or is this the tip of the iceberg?

In that case, I’d be inclined to end it otherwise you will always resent him. You can make the final decision that suits you if you take control of the situation.

What a ridiculous thig to say and 100% incorrect. Of course you and your DP splitting up will impact your son, especially with your plan to meet someone new and have another child with this other man, possibly in the next 12 months, who presumably will be step dad to your son?
You are being extremely selfish and you should prioritise the wellbeing of your one and only son over a nonexistent child.

I agree with PP that if you hadn’t had the accidental pregnancy then he’d probably still be dicking you about over having one.

If his daily life is so DS-free then I wonder what his reluctance is. He’s not expected to do much of the daily work of kids, you clearly have money and space, so what is it that “needs planning”?

Honestly what is he saying you haven’t planned yet?

You are massively minimising it. You have no idea.

You need couples counseling. It sounds like there's a big issue due to poor communication and you don't know for sure how the other is feeling. It could be resolved or at least you'd know either way.

I tend to disagree, beyond that a conversation is long overdue where he actually tells the truth.

The DP has been giving OP the run around, and in doing so has undermined the relationship and tried to shift that onto her. He is lying by omission and is a total Future Faker. If you think OP should suck that up for their son (you are wrong), then he absolutely needs to own that he is a shit, and he should acknowledge that he is is also a coward and hypocrite because he won’t expect to be treated like that.

As for their son, the example that his father is setting about respect for other and entitlement for oneself- not to be emulated.

Should a mother (or father) prioritise an existing child over a hypothetical child. Of course they bloody should. So much of this is hypothetical. The OP isn't even certain the partner doesn't even want a second child. There's nothing to say he isn't commited to his family just because he isn't leaping into the sack for a second baby.

Of course there will be an impact on the kid but there would also be an impact if OP stayed with a husband who has treated her so poorly. The love would soon die and be replaced with tension and resentment. It would be a very unhappy home for everyone.

Why is that better for a child than being in a happy household but potentially having step parents and step-siblings? They would still see their dad.