Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

[Thisissundae]

Me and DP have been together since 2020 so around five years. We both wanted children and it was discussed a lot early on (we were both in our thirties when we met).

Two years in I was pregnant, it was unplanned as we wanted to be together a little longer before TTC. I had ds and although DP struggled at first as it was all a bit of a shock for us both, he’s been a great dad. DS is now 3. I’m 38 soon and DP is 43. I’ve always been clear I wanted more children and DP has always said the same. I’ve basically done all the hard yards with DS as DP works away a lot.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

I feel like such a fool. I’ve asked him to be honest if he’s changed his mind or to tell me if he wants to delay and why. I don’t get proper answers. I am fed wishy washy answers, the latest being he wants to check his contract will continue after March 2026, even though my salary more than covers our expenses and we both said we wanted another child regardless. Money is not an issue for either of us even if we were out of work for a while (and he won’t be).

I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?

You are fully entitled to make whatever decision feels right to you, but it seems to me like you've jumped the gun by ending the relationship. I understand that you feel messed about, but I think it would be helpful to show a lot more curiosity about this goalpost-moving and his experience of all this to help you better understand what is happening beneath the surface and what's motivating his behaviour. If money is no issue, why don't you book some couples therapy sessions and see if you can get to the bottom of it? He might be feeling a bit used by you as you seem to be very focussed on having another child and on him not sticking to your agreement. I totally get this from your perspective, but I think it might be helpful to find out more about what's going on for him before dismissing him, breaking up your family and potentially losing out on the opportunity to have another child. There is a lot at stake here.

She doesn't want to be rushing into relationships with other people just for the sake of grabbing a quick sperm donor in the next year or two. It's a recipe for disaster.

Refuses insemination? He's not a sperm donor! You have an awfully clinical way of looking at it. He's obviously unsure about having a second kid, maybe he's actually thinking about how tough it would be uprooting two kids everytime his job relocates. You are making an assumption that's she's rich and he needs her money, she can only earn so much money with small kids to care for and another pregnancy would get in the way if working as it could be a tough pregnancy, could difficult for a while afterwards, PND or anything could happen.

You are jumping to quite a harsh stance! It's not about being a liar, he's obviously got concerns and isn't keen on having a second kid right now and that's sensible not to do something so life changing that doesn't feel right.
Maybe he isn't comfortable with having to uproot two kids everytime his job relocates! My mum and dad liked moving house every five years or so when I was a kid and it was shit! Constantly losing my friends to move areas and changing schools! You become an adult that doesn't have the friendship group you would have had if your parents hadn't kept dragging you away.

It's fine for him to not want more kids. What's not fine is to string the OP along, pretending he wants more but always finding reasons to put it off until it reaches the point where she's no longer confident in getting pregnant or is simply too old. That's a cruel thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.

Is that fair on the kids though! When she has to tell the first child that she left their dad to have another child and then telling the other child that they don't even have a dad! They were just a donor! It's a road you have to be careful going down because if that second child gets an illness that can only be cured by family member with match and nobody on the mothers side matches, that child could potentially die because they don't have a father or the fathers family! Also his much awareness is there of what diseases may be in a sperm donors family line!

Maybe he felt backed into a corner where telling her what she wanted to hear was giving him a quiet life, she's very quick to want to leave him and maybe that's always been his concern that if he was honest, she'd be off looking for someone else! He probably has had to deal with insecurities that her family will buy her a new life if she wants to go and hunt for a baby daddy elsewhere!

And that was not my advice to the OP, it was merely a comment that it could happen.

You are making an assumption that's she's rich and he needs her money,

If you had read all the OP's post you would have seen that the OP is financially stable without her DP.

It's not about being a liar, he's obviously got concerns and isn't keen on having a second kid right now and that's sensible not to do something so life changing that doesn't feel right.

Again, if you had taken the time to read all the OPs post you would see that her DP has lied to her, given false hope and renaged on something they both discussed at length and agreed on and he won't give any reasons as to his change of mind.

My mum and dad liked moving house every five years or so when I was a kid and it was shit!

My childhood was sent moving around to various countries, changing schools etc., and it was brilliant, your experience is not the only experience.

My experience is still valid and as valid as yours and shouldn't be ignored! You don't know where these kids might get dragged to and how hard it might be! It has to be thought about and may be he's unsure that his job will take them to places suitable for kids. It won't be fun for the OP having to keep moving and losing employment. Maybe he's thinking of these things, he's listening to his gut feelings. He may have genuinely wanted more kids but isn't feeling confident in that decision now.

I think this too. Stop asking the same question- it's like you're trying to catch him out. He sounds a bit stressed out at the moment (aren't we all?) But he hasn't said he's changed his mind about a second child.

You need to calm down. Having a tantrum about this and forging ahead with splitting up on the offchance you meet some suitable man who wants to leap into having a child with you immediately is insane.

That is so far removed from what the OP is doing it's unreal.

Yes your experience is valid as is mine, you though are making up all kinds of bizarre scenarios to validate your experience as the only experience worth considering and the only experience there could be.

You still cannot seem to accept that the OP's DP is not telling her why he now doesn't want a second child, he is not giving any reasons, just stalling and making excuses and you are here painting him as some kind of saint and providing all manner of excuses and reasons for his behaviour which even he is not using.

He is treating her badly by refusing to be honest and by stringing her along. The OP no longer trusts him and it is no wonder why that is.

This thread just sums up the hell of being a woman & our fertility. It’s possible he is much more blasé about her clock (b’cos male privilege) & believes he has the luxury of time. Which is not seeing things from OP’s point of view. If he’s fundamentally changed his opinion on having a second child, he owes it to OP to tell her. I think they would maybe never have got pregnant if it hadn’t been an accident the first time, b’cos he would equally have presented reasons for why now isn't quite the right time. He sounds like commitment phobe men who say one thing & do another. OP is being called heartless & clinical when she’s simply asking for honesty & transparency. Perhaps his desire for a second child is not as strong but he’s not living in a body that’s literally ticking. Her financial security & independence puts her in an enviable position where she’s not reliant on him, something we always advocate for our daughters & sisters.
I think a short amount of couples therapy would allow both their feelings to be aired & for him to understand how fundamental this is & how much it’s about trust & faith in her relationship, that he seems to be misunderstanding. Equally he may feel she is not validating his needs & feelings about having a second child. But then he’s not being transparent about them & that’s all OP is asking from him. I think this will breed resentment in the OP if he continues to evade the issue & result in their relationship breaking down. Good luck OP.

Oh, right. I must have misunderstood this:

I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body.

What bizarre scenarios are you claiming I've made up? Nothing I've posted is remotely bizarre? The guy is stalling on having another kid, he's clearly worried about something and doesn't want to take that route! It's not bizarre to suggest that he's either a) said he'd have another kid to keep his missus happy but never really found the desire to have another one or b) he did want another one but something is worrying him as to why he doesn't want to go ahead with it! What is it that's bizarre about that? You seem to be a man hater that insists that we have to assume the bloke was a deliberate liar and a bastard! Anybody challenges that and you try to silence them, devalue their experiences and you can't cope with other scenarios so you call them bizarre! You don't know the guy to know that what I'm saying isn't true! Also why are you making it up that I said no other childhood experience is permissable! It was you that attacked me for having a different experience to you! You hate the fact that I'm open minded and exploring all possibilities rather than agreeing to your one scenario that you prefer!

Bare in mind that if you were a military kid by any chance, you had the luxury of community, being were other british kids would have been and in schools were you were taught in English, it's very different kettle of fish if they may be getting moved around foreign countries where they don't have anyone or English speaking schools. You don't know enough about their situation and his job to be judgemental! I'm not being bizarre, I'm being open minded!

I agree, that's the only thing I can read into that comment. A man she meets might not want to rush to into having a child and she wants one in the next year! She's likely to meet men who are at an age where if they wanted kids, they've likely already had them! They may not want to take on another two mouths to feed.

Oh dear seems I've touched a nerve. Stop being hyperbolic and claiming I have attacked you, I have disagreed with your stance, put forward that moving around in not always detrimental as you claim which you appear to take offence at. I disagree with your take in which you are trying to portray the DP in all this as some poor misunderstood. put on upon soul by his harsh, demanding partner, as it does not ring true from what the OP has said.

Calling me a man hater is just laughable nonsense and the go to insult from those who always put the men first, the keep his missus happy is a dead giveaway as if his partner is just an object to be humoured one without feelings or ambitions of her own, one who can just be played along. What you are deliberately refusing to see in your desire to be on the side of the Op's partner are the facts that he has lied, he has been stringing her along and he will not state the reasons why. Relationships thrive on honesty and he is not being honest with her despite having every opportunity to do so. The person being avoidant and dishonest in this case is a man but my criticism would apply equally if it was a women doing the same.

I wasn't a military kid, that wasn't my experience not even close. Funnily enough there are other forms of work that require travel abroad with trailing families you know, Furthermore, there is nothing in the OP to suggest that a move abroad is in the offing.

Oh that's fine then. Of course it's fine to lie and to cheat a woman of her childbearing years, as long as you did it for a quiet life. Makes sense now.

There's something cold about your post which makes me uncomfortable.
In the end I concluded that it's because you don't sound like you love your partner, or are thinking about your child. It sounds more like you've been thwarted in your life plan.
Maybe it's because you have been indulged by your monied family and haven't had to work through disappointment. Or you are nd?
Whatever, you sound distant and disconnected from those who should be your nearest and dearest.

The DH sounds conflicted, and pressured. The OP sounds entitled.

There's something cold about your post which makes me uncomfortable.
In the end I concluded that it's because you don't sound like you love your partner, or are thinking about your child. It sounds more like you've been thwarted in your life plan.

You're right. None of this is about love. None of it is balanced with trying to see his pov, and none of it is thinking truly about the wellbeing of the existing child - who is not good enough, as it is only one child.