Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

[Thisissundae]

Me and DP have been together since 2020 so around five years. We both wanted children and it was discussed a lot early on (we were both in our thirties when we met).

Two years in I was pregnant, it was unplanned as we wanted to be together a little longer before TTC. I had ds and although DP struggled at first as it was all a bit of a shock for us both, he’s been a great dad. DS is now 3. I’m 38 soon and DP is 43. I’ve always been clear I wanted more children and DP has always said the same. I’ve basically done all the hard yards with DS as DP works away a lot.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

I feel like such a fool. I’ve asked him to be honest if he’s changed his mind or to tell me if he wants to delay and why. I don’t get proper answers. I am fed wishy washy answers, the latest being he wants to check his contract will continue after March 2026, even though my salary more than covers our expenses and we both said we wanted another child regardless. Money is not an issue for either of us even if we were out of work for a while (and he won’t be).

I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?

I agree with this. And probably why he's avoiding sex so you don't have another accident.
I would think he has someone else or he really doesn't want another child but not being honest with you. He's stringing you along but why?

I can understand why you want to call it a day. I think you should cut your losses. Another few years could go by and you are not really living the life you want.
Its not like you can't afford another child or work wise there's no massive reason. He has gas lighter you and I can understand why you feel a fool but you are not. I can imagine you don't feel the same about him.

You are completely misunderstanding the situation that OP has described, and that others have repeatedly explained.

She's not prioritising an imaginary child over her existing child. She is deciding that she cannot bear to stay in a marriage where she has been lied to and messed around over such an important matter as her fertility. She has said she knows she might not be able to have another child with anyone, but even so she still wouldn't want to stay with her husband now she has seen his behaviour for what it is.

But you seem to think she should sacrifice her own happiness and stay in an unhappy marriage because this would be better for her DC? What makes you think it would be better? How do you know that it wouldn't end up with a kid who feels desperately burdened by the fact that his parents made themselves unhappy because of him?

I don't disagree with people leaving an unhappy relationship as this would be better for their DS in the longer term.

But the issue would be with moving onto the next partner almost immediately so that they could conceive another child with someone else.

I don't disagree with moving onto a new relationship but there needs to be time for adjustment.

And yet again there's no proof he's lied or messed her about. She has chosen to believe he has. That's fine if that's her choice but she can't minimise the impact on her child which she is definitely doing at the moment. Society have normalised families splitting up but that doesn't mean it's a walk in the park for a child. It's far from it, I can assure you. Anyway I won't say anymore as it's just going around in circles so there's no point.

Is he quite a control freak in many ways (not an unpleasant one) & b’cos your forst DC wasn’t planned he’s one of those for whom it’s never the right time. It does feel like delaying tactics however & disrespectful to your efforts & good faith in everything he’s been saying. I would lose faith in him too tbh. It’s really tricky OP. I think cards on the table. Explain how it feels he’s delaying - why is that? What are his real concerns? If he can’t or won’t tell you & is not able to proceed with a 2nd child then yoi may have to go yoir separate ways. If he has genuine reasons but then again you’ve given him every opportunity to voice them. Good luck.

He sound like a con man to me

It wouldn't be going around in circles if you answered some of the questions I've asked you.

But regardless, there's no proof on anyone's thread on MN! You can only go by what the OP discloses. If you think her OP is completely made up then you need to report it. But if we assume that it is a reasonable account of what's been happening, then yes, OP has described a man who has been lying, manipulating, and future faking for a long time, and she has clearly explained how he has made her feel.

I'm not sure what else you could need in terms of "proof". You seem to have made up a whole story in your head about what's really going on in this relationship and you're basing your comments on that instead of what's actually been shared. Unless you're OP's DH?

Just to pop the cat amongst the pigeons here... People are allowed to have doubts, second thoughts, and reconsider previous agreements.

Some people might say that's flaky, but it's all too human. We've all changed our minds about things in life - and frankly, there are times when we absolutely should change our minds. One of my favourite sayings: "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it." In short, life is complicated, messy, challenging, changeable, and we definitely can't control anyone else. Only how we respond to them.

He says he loves you and wants another child. He wants to wait, and perhaps there are issues he's afraid to vocalise around why this is?

To be honest, I'd personally be terrified bringing a child into this world, but that's probably not his reasoning.

Could it be the sex?

Regarding the drop in sex, a lot of men definitely find sex gets a bit perfunctory after kids. Perhaps you need to prioritise connection, play and joy in your relationship...

Happy kids generally tend to come from homes where parents feel aligned and connected.

Is this a relationship ender for you and if so does he realise?

The idea of more children is a lot more fun than the reality sometimes.

It all sounds a bit dramatic to just up and leave. I think you need to have a proper sit down organised chat and say, this is what I want. If you want that too, we do it now. If you don't want that, then that could be a deal breaker. Insist he gives you proper answers and say you will take half answers as a 'no'. Then you will have solid facts on which to base your decision rather than leaving when you're still confused about what's actually going on.

To be frank, all these conversations you’ve had sound very clinical and deeply unpleasant; that the sex is only a means to an end, a process that ends in conception, rather than an intimate or loving connection with him. It’d put me off wanting to engage too.

This future faker is deliberately running your biological clock down - that's unforgiveable. Unless of course he is utterly stupid and knows nothing about female reproduction. Either way, the resentment will grow.

Personally, at your age, I wouldn't have agreed to postpone it by so long in the first place.

You should lay it on the line for him, tell him as every month goes on, your likelihood of having another child goes down. Ask him very clearly, if you do actually want another child, we start TTC now. If you do not want another child, you tell me right now.

Then decide what you want to do from there. I'd be utterly furious at him running your biological clock down, regardless whether he did it maliciously or just out of his own procrastination.

I don't blame you for considering breaking up with him to be honest.

One option might be to say to him that you are having a second child whether he is onboard or not. That it would very much be your choice that it is his child, raised by both of you together. But that if he isn’t onboard you’re doing it by yourself with a fertility clinic.

That’s perhaps less scorched earth than ending the relationship, but still makes it clear that putting it off won’t work indefinitely.

Like pp I think he doesn’t want a second, but doesn’t want to tell you.

No, I wouldn't.

I knew before I had one child that having children with different dads wasn't for me. I'd rather only have one than navigate one DC living with their dad whilst the other splits his time between two homes and has to deal with a stepparent.

To be honest, I wouldn't consider living with another man until my DC were much older (probably adults) so any relationship would have to be quite casual for a long time.

Now that we have children, I'd try counselling etc. before even considering splitting with DH. No one should stay in relationships that make them miserable, but I don't think it's fair on children to break up unless you've given saving the relationship a really good try (except in cases of abuse, obviously).

I don't think I'd have gone from being sufficiently certain about a man to create a second child with him to ending the relationship in the circumstances you've described, no. I'd have been too invested in him to throw the towel in without at least a conversation where I told him what I needed from him in order to continue the relationship and gave him the chance to agree or not. If you can dispense with him so quickly, I don't think he's the right person to extend a family with.

You're not thinking about the impact it may have on your DP then?

You have said money won't be a worry either, due to your wealthy parents, if you and he split up.

Perhaps he's not playing games, but feels insecure as you hold the winning cards.

I’ve read your post twice now trying to find the crux of your problem and I’m struggling.

Your DH has reiterated wanting you to move with him if necessary, but has made it sound like a new request from your perspective.

He’s also being a bit flaky about your plans to TTC a second child, as it sounds like his focus is on his career which, while a bit selfish, is sort of understandable in the circumstances.

I think you’re massively overreacting to this and my advice would be to (hopefully) just keep having sex but make it more fun and take it from there.

I had my first child at 39 and my second at 42, and both are happy and healthy. Try not to worry so much, particularly as you’re so protected financially.

Are you sure it’s not subconscious and he’s just anxious?

OP, he is running down your fertility.
When you are confused by a man its because they are messing you around.
He doesn't want another child, but wants to stay together.
Focus on what you want, he has been clear in his confusion.
So many women have their fertility run down this way.

Honestly I'd leave him and have a child on my own with a donor. I always knew that I didn't want an only child so for me it would be more important than any relationship.

No sex since August and that didn't set off any alarm bells?

I'm sorry OP, but that's just not true. The consequences of breaking up the family home run deeper than the practical aspects. Your son will form his view of relationships and family values from his experience, there is an emotional cost to his sense of stability and moving between two homes, having less (weekend) time with each of you and missing the other parent, feeling split loyalties, the introduction of step parents, etc.

Seperation may be the best option for lots of families, but this sounds more like a moment to "pause and reflect" rather than jump into separating.

As a lot of your partner's reasons seem to be linked to job security and/or finances, I wonder whether you both have a very different experience of financial security. While you might be satisfied that finances aren't an issue, it is very hard for someone who has grown up without financial security to let go of those concerns even when they're objectively well-off. Of course it's also possible that his reasons are false and something else is going on.

I have huge sympathy for you OP, as the biological pull to have another child is strong particularly at this age. But you really need to both try to understand each other before making any final decisions.

"For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then."

That switch in your head - it's like a one-way valve. There's really no going back, it's like getting the ick - how you view that person changes. Forever.

"I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?"

Yes, I would have done the same. Your trust in him has gone. Once it happens, however you describe it - the switch being flicked, the ick, the scales falling from your eyes, a moment of clarity - it's done, the relationship is over. The decision makes itself and leaves you to attend to the practicalities of moving out and moving on. Best wishes @Thisissundae.

I don't think your decision is unreasonable at all. Ultimately you feel he's been dishonest with you about something that is incredibly important to you and that's not a minor thing.